I rather enjoy when it’s time to write this monthly article. It lets me take the thoughts I haven’t been able to form into a blog-length article and just blurt them, even if they’re only a sentence long. It’s just like clearing a garden of the stuff that is decent, but won’t grow.

Side Effects May Occur: My doctor changed my meds recently. He pulled the Wellbutrin and put me on Zyprexa because I’ve been coping with a little bit of depression. This time of year, as the weather is reaching its zenith in these parts, I almost always get depressed. It’s like an opposite seasonal disorder. Anyway, I’m about 10-11 days into it and while the tiredness is getting better, I just feel exhausted so much of the time, especially the first half of the day. It’s supposed to take around two weeks to disappear. I guess the good news is I’m not depressed, but the bad news is I feel stoned most of the day. I just don’t understand how I took stuff recreationally 20 years ago to feel this way on purpose. I guess it’s numbing and that’s what I wanted.

Oh, Canada: In the statistics for this website, which is about 10 months old now, Canada has always come in at a distant third place for visitors and page views, far after the US and UK. Some weeks, India beats Canada. Over the last half of last week, Canada was doing triple the visits of the United States, often accounting for 80% of the traffic, which has been up lately. I have absolutely no idea why this is happening. It’s not resulting in better sales in Canada of my book. I’m getting the same number of queries for my peer support website. Something is going on in the Great White North.

The Fallout of Coping With Betrayal: As many know, I’m working on a book with a professional therapist about pornography addiction geared at the female partners of male addicts. I’ve found many sites run by them on the Internet and talk to many as part of my peer counseling efforts. It’s amazing how differently addiction can hit a wife or girlfriend. Some immediately view it as an illness and work to help their loved one get help. Others view it as the ultimate betrayal and years later are still trying to come to terms with it. I discussed this with my therapist the other day. She said that there are some betrayal trauma recovery patients who she believes will just never get over it, the way that a small percentage of people just never get over the death of someone super-close to them. And “get over it” can be a catch-all term, of course, but she’s talking about being able to live a healthy life and move on to a place where your day-to-day activities are largely back to normal. The hurt will always be there, but the human spirit as a will to survive…except when it doesn’t. Now I’m debating whether to put this in the book or not. Saying, “It’s possible you’re in the super-minority who never get over this” seems unhelpful, but if that’s what happens, is ignoring it a healthier option?

Punishment Fitting the Crime: She told me something else fascinating. If you went back 10 years, the sexual offender clients she had were all hands-on. Today, it’s all hands-off. She said it’s basically the same number of clients, but it’s all people who did stupid things via the Internet. Obviously, I’m somebody who has a personal interest in the legal system, but with the rate that sex offender registries are growing in this country, we’re going to have to start recognizing that the same lifetime punishments for somebody who looked at something illegal online and someone who actually sexually abused a child may need to be put into two categories. I’m not minimizing what I did, I just think that if I am on a list for life, far more has to happen to the hands-on offender post-incarceration or if they are going to be on a list for the rest of their life, maybe the non-contact offenders should be allowed off it at some point.

Cause and Effect? The other thing I wonder, and I’m sure I could compare crime stats to figure it out, is if access to illegal material online has caused the number of real-life abuse incidents to drop or if it’s actually caused them to spike. I’ll have to dig into that sometime.

Expert on the Addiction of Pornographic Material: You may see the phrases “porn addict expert”, “pornography addiction expert”, “pornography addict expert” on this website more in the future. I’ve been told by someone who runs a speaker’s bureau that if I’m moving my life in the direction of being an advocate and educator, I need to more fully exploit my credentials and build a name for myself. If someone types in “pornography addiction expert” into Google, I’m going to want my name to come up in the first page, so dropping these phrases is important. So that explains that, from a porn addiction expert.

Did You Get My Good Side? I wrote another article for Recovery Today magazine that was published last week. Instead of using my usual headshot, they used my mugshot. Yeah..now there’s a guy who looks like someone who should be giving advice.

Almost 200: My book has either been ordered or is now confirmed to be in 198 libraries. If it’s not in yours, request it. Think of all the people you’re helping…like me, for instance.

Help Feed My Kids My book is about to fall under 1 million for the first time on the Amazon bestseller chart. Tomorrow marks six months to the day it’s been out. Don’t let it fall under the 1 million barrier on such an occasion. You’ve been reading my stuff for free for too long. Go pick up your copy HERE.

10 comments

  1. As a recovering addict myself, not of porn, but nonetheless an addict, I find it interesting that I would fall under the super minority of people who would take my spouse’s addiction to porn, personal. I know, I know, it has nothing to do with me but I have this thing with porn … I was raised in the South so that sums it up, The Bible belt and although I am not religious, those views seeped into my upbringing and made an impact that I cannot seem to shake. It does feel like betrayal when my lover would prefer someone on a screen versus me. I feel like a close-minded person in typing this truth but it is how I feel without question. By no means do I judge but I compare myself to those women and despise them for their ability to use their money maker in a fashion I could never unless perhaps I was strung out.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Actually, you may be surprised to hear you’re actually in the super-majority. Most women take it personal, at least at first. It’s not that they actually prefer a screen to you. It’s that you can’t give them the escape the porn does. You’re the real world. That’s a fantasy world that existed long before you ever showed up. Look at your addiction. Did you choose it over so many other, more important things…or did it really feel like there was no choice and you had to succumb? Most women are in the same boat as you thinking it’s about them, but was your addiction really about someone else or was it so much deeper than that? The good thing is that you’d be able to see it as a porn addiction and not just weakness of character. That’s a huge issue most women have to take some time to come to terms with when they learn their partner is a porn addict.

      Liked by 3 people

  2. I’m still curious about the stat you posted last week about the rising percentage of women who view porn regularly nowadays. Is it because of personal desire or is it because, even though it doesn’t do much for them, they’re watching it with their spouse for any number of reasons?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s not that it doesn’t do anything for them. It does a lot. And it’s not like they’re watching with spouses either. If you have a stereotype of a woman being passive aggressively forced to watch porn, that’s not who the women watching actually are. Much like men, it’s every walk of life.

      While there still needs to be more studies, it really seems to be heading toward a Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus kind of answer when it reaches the addiction stage. What’s fascinating about male vs. female addicts is that that porn addicted men stick to just porn far more than women. There are some studies that suggest up to 75-80% of women who have a porn addiction have acted out sexually in real-life after viewing porn.

      There are two theories on this. First is that women have a much easier time picking up men than the other way around. Not a lot of women go home with men who are 3’s. Any woman who is a 2 can still find a man to go home with. The other theory is that women want romance and are addicted to the fantasy of porn in a different way and need to see out that romance in real life. I think there may be an argument in each.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. “Now I’m debating whether to put this in the book or not. Saying, “It’s possible you’re in the super-minority who never get over this” seems unhelpful, but if that’s what happens, is ignoring it a healthier option?”

    I agree with your therapist, but if the context were different, what would the clinical recommendation be? Unless someone was a real adherent to exposure therapy, you wouldn’t tell someone with combat PTSD to get a job at a gun range. It would be reasonable for a therapist to say “that’s not a good idea.” Similarly, if someone can’t get over their betrayal trauma even with appropriate clinical supports, then I think a therapist would be well within reason to say “perhaps it isn’t healthy for you to stay in this relationship.” Sometimes you have to cut bait. Maybe that is the real lesson? Brutal, yes, but true if you’re in that super-minority. I still think you address it in the book.

    I would only suggest emphasizing that is not a decision or determination that can or should be made quickly. I was told repeatedly not to make any major decisions in the first year, and thus far that has proven to be excellent advice.

    On a separate note, for what it’s worth, I’m about as law & order as you can get, and even I agree with you that the current offender registry system requires serious overhaul. I’m just afraid that it’s a lot easier to continue to toss people on the list than it is for some politician to take the socially unpopular stance that would be required to change anything.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks for you perspective on how to handle it in the book. I appreciate it. Thankfully, I can try to push off the responsibility to the therapist I’m writing it with.

      I think the way the registry is handled is going to change, but not because it’s the right thing. It’s going to change because too many people will be on it it and the bureaucracy of management will force a change. No politician with any sense of self-preservation would try to change things.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. “…we’re going to have to start recognizing that the same lifetime punishments for somebody who looked at something illegal online and someone who actually sexually abused a child may need to be put into two categories.”

    This is hitting me right now – if I want to spend an evening with friends who have children, social services have to visit first and do a risk assessment, which is a bit of a give-away 😦 This is despite my offence being non-contact (of any sort). This kind of offence puts us (well, me anyway) in a difficult position because I don’t feel I have any right to challenge or complain about anything.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m lucky in that I have next to nobody in my life who has kids and the few kids in my life are in my family and they’ve all been OK’d to be around. Had it happened to me 10 years earlier, it would have been a bit more challenging. It’s just one of those things where the law overcompensates because it feels like the right thing to the people who make the laws. If your friends are cool with you being around their kids, they should make the call, not a lady who doesn’t know any of you and is probably coming into the situation with a scowl on her face about you.

      Like

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