As a lot of you know, I’m working on my second book right now. It’s a collaboration with a great therapist out of California that is going to be geared at the female partners of male porn addicts. He’ll handle the therapy side, I’ll handle the been there, done that side. The early work we’ve done is good and I look forward to continuing.

We’re not talking about sex addiction in the book. My co-author could, but I don’t have experience with it. My life was not secretive rendezvous and texting on burner phones. I don’t have the DNA makeup for that although I don’t judge any of them harsher than any other addict.

There are many women who have to deal with men who are both porn addicts and sex addicts. Many of them are loyal followers on this site and I always appreciate their feedback to me. Knowing what’s important to them helps me focus on what I should put in the book.

Sometimes I’ll need to directly ask them about something I don’t understand. I’ve never been in their shoes and betrayal trauma recovery is nothing I’ve ever participated in.

I suppose I could ask them the question central to this article individually, but I’d rather pose this to the community as a whole because I’d love to get feedback from different kinds of people who have had different experiences around infidelity and addiction. I sincerely hope it doesn’t trigger or open any wounds. There’s the warning. Trigger, trigger.

Why hate the other woman/women so much? I understand that they participated as your husband’s illicit partner, but why does it matter what their story is?

In the best possible scenario, your husband was lying to them the whole time and they had no idea your husband was married or boyfriend was in a serious relationship. They were duped the same way you were.

In the worst-case scenario, they knew he was married, were a close friend of yours and set out to destroy your relationship.

Either way, your husband was a willing participant and these women owe you nothing. Sure, it’s kind of sleazy to sleep with another woman’s husband, but it’s not like the husband didn’t also sign-off on the dalliance.

No perfect answers

I spent most of my last therapy appointment talking about this book. My therapist is voraciously secretive about her clients, but she told me she’s dealt with women going through betrayal trauma and it’s even harder to deal with than somebody going through the death of a loved one much of the time.

She said for whatever reason, there are just some women who can’t let go of the betrayal, yet don’t want to end their marriage. After running around in circles, she said that there have been a couple where she just didn’t know what to do with because they either couldn’t or wouldn’t move on.

The betrayal to my wife was on a lower scale because it was just pornography and chat rooms, or at least I think that’s what she told herself. There was also the involvement of the police and legal proceedings, so I think that threw the average betrayal situation off its normal track. I believe getting myself healthy over the course of time, and her having the time to do the same for herself took care of most of the pain. Either way, I know that I got lucky with how little she held against me. She could get totally mad at me, but the women on the other end of the computer had no idea who they were talking to…how can they be the target of her betrayal?

Oh yeah, well you’re a stupid head

In reading many of the entries these women put on their blogs, I’m impressed by their strength and dedication to their families and their systematic way of picking up the pieces and fixing things. Sometimes I think they may go too far with the boundaries/discipline with their husbands, but that’s probably natural for me to think things are excessive for the guy since I was the guy in my scenario.

The one thing that almost all do, that I have never been able to understand is how much anger, hate and resentment they carry for the “other woman.” Since none of these women use their real names on their blogs, everyone gets a nickname. Usually the husband or boyfriend gets a positive name, although I think it’s used ironically. The other woman, though, gets roasted.

I won’t use the real nicknames I’ve seen but they would go along the lines of “Supertramp,” “The Homely Whore,” or “Satania.” Feel free to use any of those, ladies.

Why so much hate toward the other woman? I read some of these terrific entries that encapsulate their feelings of grief, anger, betrayal and loss and am right there with them and then the other woman is introduced as “The Angry Cow.” It takes me out of the blog entirely.

I understand these women being an object of scorn, but is the name calling just to lower them? Is it to degrade them as a human? It is to build yourself higher?

I’m not saying the name calling is right or wrong, but it comes off so jaded sometimes. It’s hard to see the blogger as the better person when they write 500 fantastic words about dealing with their situation like an adult and then refer to the other woman as “Pig Face.” I wonder if being supported by similar women who also use name-calling as a literary technique clouds any objective view toward it.

I know it’s a complex set of emotions and I really don’t mind those names being used if the feeling is genuine, although I think healing is going to involve letting those monikers go. It’s easy to say how much you hate a situation, but when you call someone a name, you’re putting that hate on display. Much like I said in a recent blog, somebody once said the best revenge is living well. How can you live well when you’re still calling someone names like you’re in middle school?

25 comments

  1. In my case, all of the OW knew he was in a relationship.

    We have so much hate for the OW because if we are trying to work on our relationship, we can’t have that much hate for our spouse – the relationship would never work. It doesn’t make it better and we know who was to be loyal to us, but we have to direct our anger at someone; we have to get it out. It’s sad there are so many women out there who are willing to be illicit participants, but our spouses are 100% responsible for the betrayal.

    Unfortunately a lot of the anger is also towards ourselves for not bringing up that red flag we felt, or not checking emails and texts sooner. There is a lot of anger and shame towards the betrayal of our own instincts.

    I hope that makes sense!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I guess it makes subjective sense, and if you’re going to move forward, life has to make sense somehow. Do you think by calling the other woman a name it has an effect on how quickly or slowly you recover. It seems like it would quicker to recover from your husband cheating with Jennifer or Lisa. It would take longer to recover with him cheating with Dirty Ho or Sleazebag Sarah. But, maybe I’m wrong. It’s why I write stuff like…to learn.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Their names are HUGE trauma triggers for us. Saying their name makes us cringe, hurt and angry. We don’t say their names. Ever. We also don’t want to say their names because we don’t want to humanize them.

        I don’t believe a derogatory name prolongs or speeds up healing, but it does allow us to release some anger every time we call them that name.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. I should explain the humanizing comment. Sex addicts, whether they act out with a prostitute or a woman they know (and even in your case of porn and chat rooms), objectify them so they aren’t real people to them anyway. To the SA, none of the women or what they are doing is “real life” or “the real world”. It’s a fantasy and they rationalize it once he acting out is done and the shame and guilt set in. The SA sets that life to the side once done and therefore they weren’t real either. The SA uses them solely in an attempt to feel better and escape (which once the acting out is done, has the opposite effect).

        Liked by 2 people

      3. That’s a real interesting point. I’ve heard people detach human qualities for perpetrators in violent crimes. It makes sense you’d do it here. Sorry so many questions, but I think it’s how we learn. Now, as I mentioned, I never did this, but I think if I’m in that situation and you’re calling whomever I cheated with “Skanky Beotch” it’s a bit of a slam on me. I’d probably just take it with a smile considering what I did, but part of me would be thinking, “She’s not a skanky bitch. I would choose a skanky bitch, but I’m not fighting this battle.” Have you found the husband to ever try and defend his choices?
        Oh, one more question…was I right that these complimentary nicknames for the husbands is done in irony?

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      4. Yes you’re ight about the irony, it is absolutely a slam towards his (lack of) judgement of who he chose to participate with.

        He has never, ever defended his choices, nor has he ever said their names. He refers to them as “disgusting pigs” or “stupid fucking cunts”.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m just guessing, but perhaps women direct at least some of their anger towards the “other woman” because they just can’t bring themselves to unload ALL of their disgust on the husband they still harbor a great deal of love for. They don’t have to love the other woman at all so maybe they think it gives them a free pass to hate them without restraint. Good blog.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. In my experience, I did not hate the other women but felt very sorry for them. Not having anyone to rely on for reasons of their own bad choices or their badly chosen men of their pasta, they were just messed up and seeking what they want so desperatwly… love. How were they supposed to know one more jerk was lying to them. No, all my anger was toward the addiction problem and him not wanting to this day to seek help. I decided to live with it and tolerate it but create serious boundaries. I just had to resolve myself to the fact that I would never be able to trust him, so I trust God instead. This is my experience. As a side note, most women I know in the same scenario blame and hate the women because they really want to hate their husbands but have emotional ties to them. The women are safe to hate and blame. They are just really really hurt by the betrayal.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So if you’ve decided to live with it, what kind of boundary prevents him from doing it again? Thank you for sharing a different perspective. I think it’s important we hear a lot of ways people look at things and deal with them.

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      1. It was made clear that I would leave with the children if he gives sexual attention to another woman and I pay attention now to the finances. Also, I told him he needs to keep the porn to himself and not indulge that addiction at times when the kids or me are around and awake. This has worked so far. I prefer he seeks help but he made it clear that he has no problem/addiction (gaslighted, all my judgmental holy self seeing it that way) would rather divorce than even discuss the matter. I had to decide what was best for my kids and they are better off with a father than without one. He does financially provide very well for us and loves us. I figured accepting him in his weakness shows love better than quitting on him. I hope that helps. God has made me strong enough.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Just really weak but God has blessed me with His strength. Thank you. Hope it helps you. God bless your efforts to save people from this horrible, difficult illness. Keep at it, man. You matter. Don’t ever give up.

        Liked by 2 people

      3. I have one question. Other than pray and love him inconditionally, how do I help him see the truth of his addiction illness in a way he would respond to, like not immediately get defensive and shut down? Do you have a suggestion or do I need more patience?

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Hmmmm…my thought would be to figure out what he responds to in a calm or even happy manner in regular life and try to approach it that way. The most important thing is that you a) don’t judge and b) keep the space safe for the conversation. If he knows you’re never going to leave under any circumstance, you’re limited to the ultimatums you could make. Of course, being married doesn’t mean you have to live in the same space. I have a great aunt who was married over 40 years, and I never met her husband because they separated before I was born.

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  4. I agree with many of the previous comments regarding the directing of hate on the OW – we are angry, and we need to place it somewhere. If our husband is getting help and trying to change his life, wanting to move past his bad behaviors, it is hard to still spew so much anger at him. But we feel it anyway, and it has to go somewhere. That makes sense to me.

    Some small part of me also feels that women need to band together, and when someone chooses to screw another woman’s husband, she is betraying not only the wife, but all women. She makes us all look bad too. So she deserves our scorn as well as the scorn of women who may not even be impacted by her behavior at all. I have known women who have had affairs with married men. I don’t like them, and I don’t respect them. And I don’t hang out with them.

    Also regarding names – NEVER EVER EVER do we want to say the name of the OW. Even if I hear the name used to identify another person – even if it is a friend of mine – I cringe. Nasty names are a great way to unleash anger and dehumanize someone who has been a party to so much pain in my life. I won’t dignify her by using her given name.

    Early on after DDay, I once referred to my husband’s OW as a whore. He immediately said “she’s not a whore”. WRONG! He may have felt that this was his way of taking all the responsibility on himself, but defending her was not the way to do it. I’m pretty sure I shot actual daggers out of my eyes and straight into his throat after he made that remark. He never did it again.

    And my last thought on name calling in general is that it is a way (maybe a childish one) to make us feel superior to the enemy. Our current president is a prime example of how that works. Yes, it makes him look childish too, but probably it makes him feel better about himself.

    And betrayed women need to feel better about themselves. Whatever it takes.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I really appreciate you owning this and sharing. I never thought of the group idea for women banding together, but it makes sense. Question: If the OW is duped by hubby completely should the scorn be less?

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      1. Good question. I have had to give this one a lot of thought. The truth is that I do feel a little bit sorry for them since they were definitely duped by my husband. One in particular was an old girlfriend who he looked up and was involved with for almost 2 years. She believed that he was going to leave me for her and they would live happily ever after. So yeah, there was a tiny bit of compassion for her when she found out that he was a lying SOB who used her. On the other hand, that’s what you get when you decide to have an affair with a married man. She knew the risks.

        I know my husband was the bad guy in every situation. But I also know it takes 2 to tango, and the OW is equally responsible for my pain.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Hmmmm…. I’d call them something else but the name Voldemort is already trademarked??? 🤷🏼‍♀️

    Interesting question. The answer is a bit complicated. I will not use their real names on my blog because I’m not trying to out them (or me). I don’t use their real names in discussions about them because their very names are triggering. Also, because with one exception my husband never humanized any of them that way. In over 12,000 texts/sexts with the one I have nicknamed the Whore, he never once used her name. Ever. He had little interest in the reality of her, only in the fantasy.

    I don’t think the other nicknames I’ve chosen are too awful:
    Angel Baby= very close to her actual name
    The Flame = my husband’s long ago girlfriend that keeps re-appearing
    The Janitor = it’s what she does for a living

    Then there’s the Whore. Why do I call her that? First, I think she is one. (Mind you, I think my husband certainly was too.) Second, it rolls off my tongue easier than “Child Beater” or “She Who Pled Guilty to Using Her 10–year Old As A Punching Bag.”

    I have, I note, written of feeling a bit sorry for her after my husband’s addiction came to light. She was under the impression she was special. That she was the only one. In reality, she was neither of those things. But karma often sucks ass, so I also feel like she got what she had coming.

    And my husband… why do I call him Handsome? I always thought he was handsome. My heart would warm and my face would light up when I would see him… pre DDay #1. After that, I needed to remind myself -when I could literally often not bear the sight of him- how I used to feel. It’s not intended to be ironic… it’s more of an affirmation from me, for me, about how head over heels I was for him (and hope to be fully again). Also, someone can be attractive and still be a shit-heel, so the name is not intended to be exculpatory.

    Hopefully that makes a bit of sense?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. “Karma often sucks ass” I like that. I need a T-shirt with that. Thanks for explaining the names. They make sense, although I have to say I think your conclusion on the no names in the texting thing is off a bit, but that’s just my manipulative thinking, most likely.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I wasn’t sure myself about the texts, but the only name/endearment he used for her in over 18 months and 12,000+ texts was “Babe”… twice in one day. While he may not often use my proper name in texts, if ever, there are constantly terms of endearment bandied about. And our texts are about life… kids, events, news, meals, etc. There was virtually no discussion or sharing of … anything … between them. Just plotting hook ups, drive bys, and lurid descriptions of various sex acts. He literally could have been texting any female and in fact he may have cut and pasted the same stuff to multiple women. I only saw her burner phone, not his.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Did you read all 12,000+ texts…and for the love of God, why weren’t they deleted as soon as they happened? And how did you get your hands on her burner phone? I’m sure you’ve answered all these questions before. If you have a link, you can tell me just to go read about…

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Here’s the link to that post: http://betrayedwife.net/2018/02/08/forgetting-details-after-affair/

        In short, the Whore’s husband gave me her burner phone for several weeks. (While I’m truly grateful to him because it answered a ton of questions, I know it wasn’t an altruistic act. He was hoping that reading and seeing what my husband did with his wife would cause me to leave my husband and/ or ruin our marriage.)

        The phone had the last 15-16 months of their texts/ sexts on it. Yes, I read them all. I do NOT endorse that for everyone, by any means, but it was actually helpful for me.

        Why weren’t they deleted immediately? I think that’s the level of intelligence of this particular individual. Who keeps a string of 12,000+ texts with their AP?

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Just wanted to thank everyone for participating in this conversation. A lot of people have read it already, like record numbers for a Saturday night. You’re helping educate and probably giving strength to others, too.

    Like

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