As many of you were the early inspiration for my new book that will be coming out soon, I have a question that I was asked on a podcast that I recorded yesterday. I’ve got a lot of other podcasts coming up to promote the book and I’m guessing I’ll get this question again, so if you want to lend any expertise or opinions, I’d love to hear them. Feel free to share the question with any ladies who may not subscribe to my site but are in similar circumstances.

We talked about how the addiction is never the woman’s fault and how the husband/boyfriend usually comes to the relationship with the addiction, even if it’s dormant at the time. We also talked about how many women want to give it a go and see if he can get help because they don’t believe on quitting a marriage, don’t want to see their family pulled apart or want to reconnect with the man they fell in love with.

This led to a really good question:

“If the guy came to the relationship with these problems, whether they were dormant or he was just gaslighting from the beginning, how can the woman say she wants to reconnect with the man she fell in love with if that guy already was an addict and potentially already a liar?”

I had no answer. And if you know me at all, you know I like to have all the answers 🙂

Help?

 

 

11 comments

  1. She means she wants to keep living in denial of a problem, she wants to get back to where she did not know about this addiction, she wants a secure whole man, even if n it just the mask of one. That was my issue and probably many others. Maybe I’m the only one. Once you know the truth of it, you have to face your own unrealistic expectations and flaws, and that is work and never pleasant. Your idol came crashing down and now you have to do real life and few feel prepared for that. Easier to be the victim than do the work. Just my thoughts. 😄❤

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  2. Great question. In my own case, my husband’s sex addiction was unknown to me and essentially dormant during our dating years and the first several years of our marriage. That’s his cycle… in a new relationship he throws everything into the relationship and abandons the addictive behavior, without ever treating the addiction, and then a few years in it re-emerges and quickly escalates. I’m not looking to reconnect with the addict. I’m looking to re-pair with the man my husband was during those initial 11 years. I wrote recently about some of the ways he was great and present then at https://wp.me/p9DqJv-fV . He has a history with me of non-addicted, caring, and empathetic behavior. If he didn’t, I probably would have walked, but I didn’t have to make that choice because I had those 11 years to look at. There was “proven behavior over time” in our history to support my decision to give it a go.

    I’m actually not sure what my response would have been if his acting out was present throughout the entirety of our marriage. Even though I had the benefit of those addiction-free years there is a part of me that still feels duped, simply because my husband knew he had issues in his past and kept them secret. I imagine that feeling is heightened exponentially if there was never a break in the acting out.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I will go read what you wrote, but to understand correctly, you believe that even if there was some gaslighting at times, there were far more genuine times and those are the ones that you look to when it came time to make the tough decisions?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes, I think that’s true in my case. And the gaslighting started much further down the road in our relationship so I had a long history of those genuine times to look back at and to use as a kind of touchstone.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. My partner is not addicted to porn, however my ex was an addict (not to porn) so it might not help, but I think its inbuilt to a lot of women to think maybe we can fix them, that they have their good moments and to those you cling to.
    Also I do wonder whether its because girls are conditioned from an early age to think it is their fault, it my case his addiction was enough for me to walk away, once I realised I couldn’t fix him and if I stayed he was going to drag me down as well. I will never know if he is alive or dead now.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This is a complicated questions and I guess people will answer it differently depending on their own experience and past.

    One thing I would say is that although the deceit associated with a sexual addiction is very serious, it may actually be the case that the partner or spouse has compartmentalised this area of their life. If that is the case, then there is a good chance they do not lie, manipulate or gas light in general, in the relationship. However, they do display those behviours in this specific area because they are struggling with a massive secret that they are afraid to reveal. It may also mean that you can share a lot of good and meaningful times as a couple – and those will be the basis for continuing the relationship, and being willing to rebuild trust.

    I’d be interested to know what others think, though.

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  5. My husband’s porn addiction was present and active when we met. He successfully hid it from me for more than 20 years of marriage. We had a lot of problems in our sex life, which I now know were from the porn. And yes, he definitely gaslit me about it.

    What made me decide to stay was that he admitted it to me. He wasn’t caught. He just had a wave of conscience that made him come clean. He worked really hard to overcome the addiction. If he hadn’t, I don’t know if I’d still be here.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. For him to simply come forward is rare. Despite the addiction and gaslighting, you’re lucky to have a guy who still had that moment of clarity and knew it was time to get help. Thank you so much for sharing.

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