Winding Down the Year by Winding Down Myself

So, I’m trying something new today. I’m posting this message for only my followers and I’m not scheduling it for an optimum time. I’m not going to edit it either, so mistakes are coming. I think I feel safest admitting things to you followers and in a lot of ways, you know me when it comes to this porn addiction thing better than most of the real people in my life.

I’ve posted every day on this site, even if it has been a guest post, since mid-September. Prior to that, I had taken a long hiatus, and prior to that, my posting was intermittent. I posted 27 times between January 1 and September 17. Since then, today will make 78.

Along with that, I did a lot of final work on my book, have marketed the hell out of it and recorded over 40 hours of podcasts and radio interviews. I also built my LinkedIn connection list to nearly 1200 medical/mental health professionals, which took a long time and I still try to find time to visit a couple of porn addiction/partner forums on the Internet at least every other day. And as I mentioned the other day, after a book comes out, there’s a spike in email that must be answered.

I think I’m writing all this not to impress you, but to justify to myself that it’s time to take a week or two off. I love how my stats in both hits and visitors have exploded over the last few months, but those numbers don’t pay the bills.

I also know that while a podcast appearance may sell a couple books, I’m not exactly writing casual reading books. You need to have a specific problem, then you need to find my book, then you need to decide it’s worth plunking down the money. There is something draining in telling the exact same stories over and over and over and over. So, while I’m keeping my appointments for podcasts tomorrow and Monday, I cleared my schedule for the next three weeks of recording. Some of the ones that are recorded will still appear, so it’s not like there will be complete radio silence.

You’re probably not able to tell, but I would guess I average 3-4 hours per day on my porn addiction related endeavors at minimum and lately, that’s seven days per week.

I’ve felt this, I guess, burnout, coming on for a week or so. My regular work as a ghostwriter has picked up over the last few weeks and trying to handle both of these things is leaving me at the computer nearly 10 hours per day and as a guy who promised himself he wouldn’t work more than 6 hours per day on average as part of recovery, my stamina is fading after a couple weeks of this.

The final straw was last night.

I’ve been undertaking this crazy project of introducing myself, the website and the new book to every person on LinkedIn that I don’t know. It’s only like four sentences, not invasive and I’ve actually made several great new connections. I’ve only made it through half the list, but many people like to say thank you and some start conversations. I don’t mind. I can casually have them on my phone as I watch TV at night, especially with those on the west coast.

I get a typical “thank you” from an LCSW last night and as I was about to respond with “You’re welcome” and move on, the rest of her message pops up: “Just so you know, I don’t believe in porn addiction, so I’ll pass.”

I responded with, “I hope that you are able to appreciate the luxury of the ignorance you have vs. those of us who have actually lived through it.” Then I disconnected and blocked her. First time I’ve done that on LinkedIn to someone and frankly, I don’t need to get into a debate that will probably devolve into a pissing match.

It left me feeling kind of empty though. It’s one thing for a moron redneck who probably has a porn addiction they don’t want to admit to insulting me. It’s another for somebody who is a medical professional in a field that largely accepts this as an actual disease to be in denial. By saying she didn’t believe in porn addiction, it was almost like invalidating my personal story and everything positive I’ve tried to do in recovery.

Like I said, I decided against trying to defend myself. I just didn’t have the energy. It was then that I realized I need to recharge.

I think through the end of the year I’m going to line up several guest columns and I’m going to go into the archives and find some early postings that most people never read because they hadn’t discovered me yet and repost them. I’m sure I’ll write a couple fresh entries and with all the questions I’ve been getting through email lately, I’m going to do a couple fresh Q&As, but some days, nothing with appear.

It doesn’t mean I’m giving this stuff up. It doesn’t mean I don’t care. It just means that I need to bring it down a notch and rest. I’d rather ramp things back up the second week of January with renewed energy than continue delivering what is becoming a half-assed effort in most things I’m doing.

ADDENDUM — I just found out that you can’t post something to only your followers…or if you can, I can’t figure it out. I’ll try not tagging this at all and see if that keeps it in the family.

17 thoughts on “Winding Down the Year by Winding Down Myself

    1. I actually did the right thing today and wrote her an apology and said that it was a rude thing to say, but that I felt belittled and attacked, yet I assume that was not her intention.

      I’m not going anywhere. I’m just not sitting here 24/7 for the next few weeks.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, sir. I think as I talk less about my crime in 2020, I’m going to talk more about my workaholism and how that has played into my life. When I was running multiple businesses, I hated the holidays because it meant everybody else slowing down and I couldn’t keep doing business at the speed I wanted. Now I understand why people just shut it down for a week or so.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. And I talked a ton about it early in recovery but as I have learned to manage work and not make it the center of my life, it’s been less of a focus. I love projects, especially new ones. I love promoting. Every month there was a new issue of my magazine and planning a giant film festival with 10-12 events over 3 days created great highs for a guy who thrived on a manic schedule. My workaholism got worse after I started taking bipolar meds at around 25. iI think I was trying to figure out a way to produce the mania and work did it.

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  1. Taking a step back sounds like a very smart idea.

    The message from the LCSW sounds ridiculous. Sure, some people are a little late to the party recognizing behavioural addictions, but that’s just rude.

    Like

    1. Yeah, it was rude, but I shouldn’t have been an asshole. It’s still my reactionary response. I felt better saying sorry and being the bigger person. I just fear that there are people going to this yahoo for help and not getting any.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Same same but different here 🙂 I understand that you take a time out, you need to make yourself happy I read once in a certain comment.
    I can believe you felt invalided after reading that message; some people are just … There are people who believe in chemtrails and wear tinfoil hats.
    And even professionals can be very narrow minded, you may not expect is but it still happens. I hope you can recharge and enjoy the holidays!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s hard to believe that a professional who works in human services wouldn’t believe in sex addiction. It’s so widely discussed. I wonder if she believes in any addictions at all. Enjoy the break. It’s a heavy topic to be focusing on all the time. Have a relaxing Christmas 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Fielding the non-believers on my blog was torture for me. I can only imagine how much worse it is for the addict! I hope your imminent time management agenda will bring you some peace! Merry Christmas! I’m probably still going to post about your book though. I won’t be offended if you don’t comment right away! 😁

    Liked by 1 person

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