They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so Ashleyleia, this is all your doing. Her post made me laugh so hard, and I’m avoiding real work, so I’m stealing her idea.
Google puts out its analytics every year and includes the most frequently asked questions by different countries, so I thought it would be fun to take a handful of them and provide answers. These are just a sampling from the many questions asked in many questions. Obviously, people view my site from around the world, so I don’t want to leave any of them out…
Q: Why is Instagram not working?
A: The IT guys will get to it, they’re just busy looking at the bikini pictures their college girlfriends posted and wondering what they could have done differently.
Q: Why is the Amazon burning?
A: The mom-and-pop stores got sick of everybody turning to the Internet to buy stuff and finally took things into their hands.
Q: Wie wird das Wetter heute?
A: I don’t know. I prefer Drier heute myself.
Q: laat is het in Amerika?
A: Laat is indeed het in America.
Q: O que e libido?
Q: O Que e golden shower?
A: What the hell are you people doing in Brazil for these to be two of your top questions?
Q: Who killed Jimmy Hoffa?
A: I’m not going to risk getting whacked telling you.
Q: Why am I always tired?
A: You’re not always tired, you dramatic Canadians.
Q: Hvad dode Master Fatman af?
A: I have no idea what you’re asking, but I totally want to know who Master Fatman is.
Q: مباريات الدوري المصري
A: I think you and I both know the answer to that: Of course not.
Q: Wo ist Rebecca?
A: John Stamos’ first wife.
Q: Wo is Sri Lanka?
A: John Stamos’ current wife.
A: Yes, take that out of the deck before playing Hold ‘Em.
Q: What is howdy Modi?
A: It’s how Texans greet Modi.
Q: What is Area 51?
A: It’s where we Americans send the Phish fans who believe in aliens.
Q: What is a dead ting?
A: A ting dat was once livin’.
Q: mdma とは
A: Just put it in your mouth and enjoy the music, you’ll be fine.
Q: What is INEOS?
A: Kenya’s most rockin’ INXS cover band!
Q: Kaip deklaruoti pajamas?
A: No, you don’t have to declare your pajamas at the border.
Q: Wat is Pinksteren?
A: Red and white steren mixed together.
Q: Wat is een podcast?
A: It’s what een is doing since he got kicked off traditional radio after the scandal.
Q: What is Terrorism?
A: If I tell you, you must promise not to try it.
Q: What is Justice?
A: What happen to terrorists.
Q: с чем носить ботфорты?
A: Yes, your question does look like The Zodiac Killer’s cypher.
Q: Why were cornflakes invented?
A: The real answer is actually more hilarious than anything I could make up. Google it.
Q: How long is a rugby match?
A: For all the blood, pounding on each other and fisticuffs, surprisingly still too damn long.
Q: Cuando es carnaval?
A: I prefer Royal Carribean.
Q: Cuando es semana Santa?
A: No, Santa can’t have kids.
Q: Was tun Blasenentzündung?
A: Depends on your interpretation of Blasenentzündung.
Q: What is the backstop?
A: February 19, 2005. When America finally had enough of the Backstreet Boys.
Q: What is D Day?
A: The fourth day of the alphabet.
Q: What is a VSCO girl?
A: The evolutionary step between cockroach and flatworm.
Q: Where is the hurricane now?
A: Not sure, but he is still the man the authorities came to blame for something that he never done. Put in a prison cell but one time he coulda been the champion of the world.