I Can Sense the Next Bipolar Spike is About to Begin

When my mind starts to really wander into metaphysical, philosophical and quantum mechanics areas of thinking at all times of day, I know that either a bipolar high or a bipolar low is about to make an appearance. I’ve made the decision to track some of these thoughts over the next few years so I can see if there are any trends in the content of the thoughts so I can predict which way things are going to go.

I tried to explain this to a woman at rehab once. I know people get songs caught in their head. That happens to me all the time, but a lot of the time it’s as if they are songs that aren’t in a language I can understand. It’s just background noise, like when you leave a fan running at night so the room isn’t quiet.

The best way I can describe this is as getting a really complex – yet utterly pointless – song caught in your head, and then getting like two or three songs caught at the same time. It’s like I’ve stumbled across an idea and I can’t just let it go. If you’ve ever binged at something, whether it’s a TV show or video game or something else, you might also understand this. For instance, when Tetris first came out 30 years ago for the Nintendo Gameboy, I played it so much that I was rotating blocks and hearing 8-bit classical music even in my sleep.

 

Here are a few examples of these things that get stuck in my head…

 

Almost every religious text references the end of the world. I was flipping through the TV channels the other night and one of the religious channels had a guy preaching that the coronavirus was the signal of “end times.”

Then, I was driving in the car and the song “In the Year 2525” by Zager and Evans came on the radio. It basically talks about mankind moving toward an unknown future and considering it was written in 1968, it probably makes more sense now than then. It got me wondering if mankind will still be around in 5,000 years.

Let’s say we do something stupid and we’re not around in 5,000 years. I think that’s entirely possible. Our ability to develop technology far outstrips our ability to recognizes consequences. Disregarding our similar, yet different, relatives, the modern human has been on Earth for 200,000 years.

If we have less than 5,000 years to go, we are 39/40ths of the way to extinction. If you’re on vacation for 40 days, don’t you consider the 39th day the end of the vacation?

Maybe end times aren’t coming. Maybe we’re living in them now.

Is the head technically a body part? The head is a collection of body parts, but is it a part itself? Is it more of just a concept? Can a part be a collection of other parts?

You could say that the ear is part of the head, but the ear is just a collection of other parts – the eardrum, the tiny bones, etc., so is the ear truly a part? I’ll admit I know nothing about the eardrum, and it’s too early to go researching, but it’s possible that’s made up of other parts.

So let’s say, yes the head is a body part. Does that make the body itself a body part because it encapsulates everything or does it stop being a part because it’s a whole? If I am in an accident and lose a finger, my body is still a whole…or is it?

If you take a piece of pie, the rest of the pie is still the pie. But when there is less than half the pie left, we talk about it in the past tense, “How much of the pie is left?” It was once a whole but is now less than that. If it’s less than a whole, it should be a part.

In this same vein, what would it take to officially exhume the Titanic and not just parts of it? At what point would we say we have the boat from the ocean floor? A lot of stuff has just rotted away and is gone. How much of the boat had to come to the surface of what’s still left to be considered saving “the boat” and not just pieces?

But, if things like head, pie and boat are concepts just as much as they are actual things, what isn’t a concept. Aren’t words just concepts used to codify and identify things? If that’s true, why dwell on this?

 

Anyway, that’s just a tony look at the kind of stuff that’s clouding my head right now. I’m also thinking a lot about the fact that every person I see has a complete, complex life and if there are any types of ranking systems to determine what a good life or bad life would be.

Sometimes my head doesn’t buzz with this kind of nonsense and other times it feels almost debilitating. It’s kind of exhausting, which I guess is why I’m drinking more caffeine than I have had in a while. I’m also sleeping a lot, which makes me think things are on a downward slope, but there’s nothing concrete signaling depression on its way.

I’ve been like this forever and I know that part of my addiction was not just to cope with trauma, but to escape this kind of thinking that is just loud random chatter happening in my head. I’ve talked to doctors and shrinks about it and none of them seem too considered, so I won’t be either. The addictions helped slow my mind. I know there are things like meditation that is supposed to help, but I can’t get there. I’ve tried many times. Meditation is either me going deeper into these crazy thoughts, or falling asleep altogether.

Don’t worry about me. I can cope with this stuff. I just wonder if anybody else has stuff like this happen.

 

11 thoughts on “I Can Sense the Next Bipolar Spike is About to Begin

  1. I’m in the process of discovering ‘signals’ of a downward spiral. I think writing it down to see if a pattern emerges, can be very helpful.
    When I notice weird thoughts I told my therapist and she was not too concerned. So how am I supposed to know or to detect even what is going on? What is part of the recovery and what is part of something ‘new’?
    I think people close to you can maybe see things more clearly than us, who are in the midst of it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t like therapists who are not too concerned about things. If I’m concerned, dammit, you be concerned. My current therapist has said that she knew she liked me when, during our first session, I said, “Just because I’m a good communicator doesn’t mean I’m not batshit crazy.” She said she’s actually thought of it a lot since. You shouldn’t judge somebody as healthy if they are good at explaining the crazy.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m going to the psychiatrist Thursday and I’ll ask him. I would like to learn to recognize the signs so I don’t have to panic every time I ‘feel something’ or ‘I think something darker’.
        Explaining is not the problem or is it? 🤔😁

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      2. I think if you’re good at explaining, they take it less serious, but that’s just my experience. So now I take off my shoe and bang myself in the head. It gets the point across. It’s like when you visit the Emergency Department at the hospital and say “On a scale of 1-10, how does the pain feel?” If you answer anything other than 9 or 10, they think you’re OK.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Ah the Bipolar thought process. I know it well. It can be exhausting, but there’s a certain beauty to it as well. You’re not alone, friend. I agree with being good at explaining leading to being overlooked. I think I did it so well that I wasn’t able to get my diagnosis until this year. I’m 32 and I’ve been suffering this illness since I was 8. Keep fighting the good fight!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks…I’m going on 20 years with a diagnosis, but like you said, dealing with it back to childhood. Just stay on your meds. You’re never back to normal because you never were normal. Too many people who are bipolar take themselves off their meds. Don’t do it. It had disastrous results for me about 6-7 years ago.

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  3. Pretty sure all creative sorts deal with mentally obsessing over any number of things. As a songwriter, I can’t stop thinking about what instrument to feature, how I can make a lyric more poignant, what amount of compression I should use in the mix-down, etc. Until I can step back and say “I’ve done all I can for now” it torments me not only in my waking hours but in my dreams, as well. It comes with the territory, I suppose. You ain’t alone, bro.

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  4. It’s wierd because when I was diagnosed officially as bipolar I was far more paranoid than I am now (hardly at all tbh). I remind myself of something Jesus said (and I paraphrase)- worry doesn’t immunise us from coronavirus so it’s pretty pointless really. As the four horsemen of the apocalypse ride around I just remind myself that Jesus will return and bring an end to the madness for His people…

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