Getting Trivial Things Off My Chest – August Edition

A couple weeks back I saw the Mr. Rogers’ biopic that’s been in movie theaters lately. It’s actually the highest-grossing documentary this year thus far. For me, Mr. Rogers was a signal that I was in the clear. My parents would pick me up at the abusive babysitter’s house around 3:45 p.m., when they were done with their elementary school teaching jobs. After being in a tumultuous environment for the previous eight hours, there was something calming and soothing about being able to sit in the safety of my home and a kindly gentleman telling me that everything was OK. My mother called him “Mr. Boring” but after the days I had, I was totally ready for Mr. Boring. I got choked up watching the movie several times because of my admiration for how truly decent a human being he was. Truth be told, I find most children irritating. I think those people who don’t and can be their mentors are very lucky.

I went to see that movie with my son. Since he’s on school vacation, I try to find at least one or two things a week for us to do so he doesn’t get too bored with his summer. He just started driver’s education this week, so I don’t have to work as hard at keeping him occupied. The fact he will be driving soon is a reality – and age – check for me. He read my book when it came out in January and he’s had a few questions here and there, not necessarily about my crime or even my addiction, but about things that happened in my childhood that may have contributed to where I ended up. I think at nearly 16 he’s ready to hear non-graphic accounts of what happened to me and my opinions about it. I grew up in a family where we didn’t talk about a lot of things. Feelings and “the past” were tops on that list. I’m hoping that my openness with my son will carry through to future generations. I know older people lament the good old days being gone when children respected their elders and blah, blah, blah, but I think our interpersonal communication skills are better than they’ve ever been as a people and while far more work needs to be done, we are finally accepting mental health as a real thing. I know there’s a tendency to romanticize the past and ignore its problems, I have a lot of optimism for the next generation. Sure, the younger generation utilizes electronic communication devices and platforms that I will never integrate into my life, but that’s not a reason to dismiss them. There’s still plenty of work to be done in areas of accepting all people regardless of race, religion, sexual orientations, etc., but if I compare my grandparents’ generation to that of my children, I’ll pick the new generation every day of the week, even if I still don’t understand the point of Snapchat filters. My parents and grandparents did not come from “The Greatest Generation”. They came from the most self-righteous, and you reap what you sow.

Do you ever wonder who the heck is reading your website? I mentioned at the beginning of last month that my numbers were exploding, but that was nothing compared to what happened through the rest of July. I saw overall users for July grow by 39% and hits grow by 45% and the numbers may be even better for August. Who are these people finding my site? Are they reading anything helpful? Am I being duped by robots and crawlers who aren’t actually real people? I know there are plenty of companies that can tell me exactly what’s going on if I drop a load of cash on them. Not going to happen. So much of my life has been about trying to manipulate and overanalyze results and I kind of like the organic nature I feel this whole thing has taken on.

I’ve been working pretty steady on the second book over the last couple of weeks. I still find it a challenge to balance my freelance and ghostwriting work, which pay the bills, with my pornography addiction work, including this blog, which are my passion, but aren’t putting a roof over my head. I think this book, both in structure and content, will be like nothing else the pornography addiction recovery community has seen. I’m very excited, or at least more excited than I am about writing healthy eating blogs at $50 a whack for people who claim it’s their own work. That balance between passion and responsibility is a tough one to manage for me at times, and those people who can blend the two are truly lucky.

You may have seen the entry I made recently about resentments and how I think there are still people in my area who are resentful against me less for the things I did and more for the fact they see the entire episode as a betrayal of trust. I mentioned an Amazon review that had recently gone up that was an attack on me as a person, not a commentary on the book. As expected, it was pulled quickly. A few days ago, I got what you might call my first “bad” review, and you know what? It didn’t bother me nearly as I thought it would. I think the reviewer missed the bigger picture of what I was trying to do, but who cares? I don’t need to explain the nuance. They didn’t like the book. I can’t count the number of books or movies people have liked that I can’t. I’m sorry, but The Big Lebowski is asinine. There will be plenty of people who say I don’t “get it” but that’s fine. I still think Jeff Bridges is a fine actor, I just didn’t like the movie. It’s reassuring to know that a negative review on the actual subject matter won’t get me down. Negative reviews of me as a person just make me feel bad for the other guy.

 

 

Getting Trivial Things Off My Chest – July Edition

I rather enjoy when it’s time to write this monthly article. It lets me take the thoughts I haven’t been able to form into a blog-length article and just blurt them, even if they’re only a sentence long. It’s just like clearing a garden of the stuff that is decent, but won’t grow.

Side Effects May Occur: My doctor changed my meds recently. He pulled the Wellbutrin and put me on Zyprexa because I’ve been coping with a little bit of depression. This time of year, as the weather is reaching its zenith in these parts, I almost always get depressed. It’s like an opposite seasonal disorder. Anyway, I’m about 10-11 days into it and while the tiredness is getting better, I just feel exhausted so much of the time, especially the first half of the day. It’s supposed to take around two weeks to disappear. I guess the good news is I’m not depressed, but the bad news is I feel stoned most of the day. I just don’t understand how I took stuff recreationally 20 years ago to feel this way on purpose. I guess it’s numbing and that’s what I wanted.

Oh, Canada: In the statistics for this website, which is about 10 months old now, Canada has always come in at a distant third place for visitors and page views, far after the US and UK. Some weeks, India beats Canada. Over the last half of last week, Canada was doing triple the visits of the United States, often accounting for 80% of the traffic, which has been up lately. I have absolutely no idea why this is happening. It’s not resulting in better sales in Canada of my book. I’m getting the same number of queries for my peer support website. Something is going on in the Great White North.

The Fallout of Coping With Betrayal: As many know, I’m working on a book with a professional therapist about pornography addiction geared at the female partners of male addicts. I’ve found many sites run by them on the Internet and talk to many as part of my peer counseling efforts. It’s amazing how differently addiction can hit a wife or girlfriend. Some immediately view it as an illness and work to help their loved one get help. Others view it as the ultimate betrayal and years later are still trying to come to terms with it. I discussed this with my therapist the other day. She said that there are some betrayal trauma recovery patients who she believes will just never get over it, the way that a small percentage of people just never get over the death of someone super-close to them. And “get over it” can be a catch-all term, of course, but she’s talking about being able to live a healthy life and move on to a place where your day-to-day activities are largely back to normal. The hurt will always be there, but the human spirit as a will to survive…except when it doesn’t. Now I’m debating whether to put this in the book or not. Saying, “It’s possible you’re in the super-minority who never get over this” seems unhelpful, but if that’s what happens, is ignoring it a healthier option?

Punishment Fitting the Crime: She told me something else fascinating. If you went back 10 years, the sexual offender clients she had were all hands-on. Today, it’s all hands-off. She said it’s basically the same number of clients, but it’s all people who did stupid things via the Internet. Obviously, I’m somebody who has a personal interest in the legal system, but with the rate that sex offender registries are growing in this country, we’re going to have to start recognizing that the same lifetime punishments for somebody who looked at something illegal online and someone who actually sexually abused a child may need to be put into two categories. I’m not minimizing what I did, I just think that if I am on a list for life, far more has to happen to the hands-on offender post-incarceration or if they are going to be on a list for the rest of their life, maybe the non-contact offenders should be allowed off it at some point.

Cause and Effect? The other thing I wonder, and I’m sure I could compare crime stats to figure it out, is if access to illegal material online has caused the number of real-life abuse incidents to drop or if it’s actually caused them to spike. I’ll have to dig into that sometime.

Expert on the Addiction of Pornographic Material: You may see the phrases “porn addict expert”, “pornography addiction expert”, “pornography addict expert” on this website more in the future. I’ve been told by someone who runs a speaker’s bureau that if I’m moving my life in the direction of being an advocate and educator, I need to more fully exploit my credentials and build a name for myself. If someone types in “pornography addiction expert” into Google, I’m going to want my name to come up in the first page, so dropping these phrases is important. So that explains that, from a porn addiction expert.

Did You Get My Good Side? I wrote another article for Recovery Today magazine that was published last week. Instead of using my usual headshot, they used my mugshot. Yeah..now there’s a guy who looks like someone who should be giving advice.

Almost 200: My book has either been ordered or is now confirmed to be in 198 libraries. If it’s not in yours, request it. Think of all the people you’re helping…like me, for instance.

Help Feed My Kids My book is about to fall under 1 million for the first time on the Amazon bestseller chart. Tomorrow marks six months to the day it’s been out. Don’t let it fall under the 1 million barrier on such an occasion. You’ve been reading my stuff for free for too long. Go pick up your copy HERE.

Getting Trivial Things Off My Chest – June Edition

I know these secondary, late-week posts usually come out on Thursday, but I’m especially avoiding work today and I really hope that none of you have lives that are so empty you’re setting your clock by when I post something. I mean, I’m flattered if you do, but you really should go outside more if that’s the case.

Speaking of being flattered, I don’t want anybody who nominates me for the Sunshine Liebster Mystery Super-Cool Flying Monkey and Friends Award to think I don’t appreciate it. I do, very much. It’s the kind of thing I would have rolled around in like catnip seven or eight years ago. Somewhere on my front page would be a giant list of all the awards I’ve won to prove I’m special. I could say I’m all healed, but I often wonder if I look at appearances on podcasts and radio shows as my catnip these days. Anyway, thank you for nominating me for these, but I feel like they don’t quite mesh with what I’m trying to do with this site. If you want to award me with something, write a positive review of my book on Amazon. It could stand a few new ones.

In that last paragraph, I mention that podcasts/radio interviews have replaced capturing awards as my currency of validation. That’s the cynical way of looking at it. You could say I’m not at all better than I was when it comes to validation by attention and the difference between a plaque on the wall of my former office and a jpeg of a radio station logo on my website are negligible. The other side is to say that I’m trying to build a reputation as a pornography addiction expert and one of the ways to build a reputation as a porn addiction expert is by showing others regard you as such. I think the easiest way to do this is to somehow say, “Look! These people think I’m a porn addict expert!” If all of these other people have said I’m an expert, then surely it can only help my future as an author or speaker on the subject, right? Isn’t what I’m doing just marketing?

Having the struggle of “potential past negative behavior” vs. “actual important marketable skill” is an internal debate I’ve had a lot recently. Maybe not exactly in those terms, but I’ve been left wrestling with different facets of my personality, and the positive or negative spin I put on them. During recovery I think I made the mistake of believing everything that made me who I was could be attributed for my downfall. I had a good work ethic…but I recast it as unhealthy obsession during early recovery. My charisma was relabeled a negative defense mechanism. My eccentric, creative streak was, upon further review, seen as a deficit of a broken mind. Now I’m left wondering if I was overcompensating during early recovery, trying to eradicate everything I was because of where it led me. Or, was I 100% correct in early recovery and now I’m looking for faults in early recovery thinking so I can excuse certain aspects of my personality?

Maybe having that kind of internal debate is an indicator things are better than they used to be. I didn’t wrestle with this kind of stuff in the past.  Maybe there is no right and wrong. Maybe it’s all just a matter of interpreting and I can’t view these things with blanket policies. Is it self-indulgent to list every interview I’ve done? Sure. Will that help me get other interviews eventually leading to more opportunities? Probably. Is my sobriety toward either porn or alcohol in jeopardy because of this behavior? Not that I have felt, and I’ve obviously really, truly over-examined it.

Sometimes I wonder if the cartoonist who drew the animation I use on this monthly article knows his “guy screaming at stoner” creation is used on a site about recovering from porn addiction, and if not, what they’d think when you told them.

I have no idea what the reason is, but over the last 7-10 days, I’m doing double the traffic on this site than I have been, so thank you to all of the new people for checking things out and the regulars for coming back. I know if I took the word “porn” out of the title and put “fashion” I could get 10 times the views, but I’m not really doing this for quantity. I’d rather have 75 people quietly visit this site per day and get something out of it than 750 trolling their likes and only looking at the pictures. Again, thanks, I appreciate your continued quality support.