My New Book Has Been Released!

It’s always a lot of fun to write that title on one of my website posts. I’ve only been able to do it three times now, but each time, it feels like a massive exhale. Up until this point, the process of getting a book out is very private and solitary. Now, the words that I feverishly worked on, that I think are good enough to share with the world in perpetuity, that I believe are so worthwhile that they should have a small price tag behind them — it’s all out there for the world to see.

There is no more timely a moment to read this book than now. As we see cases of the Coronavirus surging in numbers and states starting to roll-back their openings, it means more people will be back in situations which make them vulnerable to pornography — either consuming it, or producing it.

Ever wanted to read first-person accounts of addiction from those dealing with it? Ever wanted to know what kind of person it takes to become an online pornography camera model? Wonder what this OnlyFans craze is about? Want to hear an unbelievable story about a man who is slipping his wife pills to help fight the STD he may have passed onto her from an affair, but refuses to tell her, blaming the pandemic for bad timing?

This is unlike any book you’ve read, because we’re all living this in the moment. At some point, it will become a book that can be put into the history section of the library, but now, it’s current events. Even if pornography and/or pornography addiction isn’t a part of your life, COVID-19 is part of your life, and this book shows how others are dealing with it.

I hope you’ll consider picking it up from Amazon. You can follow a link to read more about the book HERE.

Thank you to those of you who support me by purchasing the book. It allows me to continue the fight to educate the world about pornography addiction.

Porn Projects, More Frustration, An Eerie Thing and a Zipline Video

Time for one of those random thoughts/updates pieces. Too much rattling around in my head to put 800 words to any of it, and I just need to do some housecleaning in my head.

First, my new book “Pornography and the Pandemic: How Three Months in 2020 Changed Everything” is still scheduled to be released on July 5. I think it may bump to July 6, since that’s a Monday. We had to change the secondary headline from when I last told you about the project because the publisher was leery of a book title with both “Pandemic” and “COVID-19” in the title since some online booksellers are rejecting items with too many references to the virus. I guess it stems from people trying to sell non-book products that claim to help cure the coronavirus. That’s fine with me. I can see the new secondary title as more exciting, but wonder if putting the year in it will help or hurt.

I’ve got to start working on the marketing of the book, but it’s a little challenging. It’s told in first person, but it’s far more of a journalistic-style book that I think will be interesting to a wide audience than either of my first books…but I’m not exactly sure how to tell the world about it with my marketing budget of $0. It’s also strange because there was 22 months between the release of my first two books and only 5 months between the second and third. Last year at this time, I largely took the summer off from this blog and writing, going on a nice road trip. The virus halted most sales of my second book in its tracks because the bulk were going to libraries at that point. I’ve noticed it pick up a little bit as libraries become semi-active, but I think that second book would have sold hundreds of more copies if not for people’s attention, and their lives, being so disrupted by the virus. A library isn’t going to buy a book if it’s not open until further notice. I believe the new book is going to be much less expensive than the first two, but I’m just the writer… I learn a lot of these things when I see it for sale for the first time. I hope you’ll support me and I’ll share more when I know.

I’m trying to calm myself a bit from the anger and frustration I’ve been feeling dealing with and seeing so many ignorant people on television and online regarding both the virus and the changes happening, and being pushed for, regarding race in this country. There’s a balancing act between recognizing as one person I really can’t do much, but just because that’s true doesn’t mean I should do nothing. I’m just hoping that the polls I’m seeing regarding November’s elections end up as true. We’ve given the current administration more than three years to make America great again. They actually went in the other direction. I think Joe Biden’s campaign slogan should just be, “Make America like it was before Trump took over, then we’ll work on the greatness thing.”

My frustration comes from people believing that they don’t have to follow either commonsense guidelines or actual laws because they believe there is some “Constitutional guarantee” they don’t have to wear a mask. There isn’t. I think this is a combination of politics, people needing to feel rebellious and untreated mental illness at work. I just feel bad for the people who try to do the right things and get the virus have to battle for the same hospital beds as those who flaunted and ignored scientific wisdom. Science says the sun will rise tomorrow. Do you not believe it until you see it? People need to remember that science is neither a religion nor a political party. It’s the best collection of provable data we have — even if you don’t like the results. With the race issue, the statistics that prove its obviously a problem are just being ignored by people who would rather argue about knocking over a statue in some Virginia or Alabama park. Who cares about these statues? Black people are dying because of the color of their skin and sick people are dying because people don’t want to treat the pandemic as serious. It’s more important they be able to workout in a gym or get a burger. Great priorities.

So here’s kind of a weird story. A couple of weeks back, on June 13, I got a nice notecard in the mail from my mother’s best friend, Gwen. They were paired as college roommates and share the exact same birthday. You’ve never met two more different people and I think Gwen’s flighty and illogical life choices sometimes frustrated my mother. Depending on where Gwen was living, we’d see her three or four times a year when I was growing up. When I was in jail, Gwen wrote a couple letters that were really quite touching and I wrote a few back. That correspondence never would have happened had I not done time and since I was released four years ago, we’ve exchanged letters once or twice a year. I think I saw her twice, but it may have only been once since I was released.

It was just a typical check-in note, but she mentioned that she had finally got a phone that could do texting — which I’m guessing she’s had for years but just finally realized it. She gave her new number and I texted her two days later on June 15, but heard nothing back. I didn’t follow-up. Yesterday, which was June 29, my mom called me and told me that Gwen was found dead in her apartment on June 20. Gwen’s son was under the belief his mother had gone on one of her little coastal retreats, but when she didn’t contact him upon returning he eventually had the police in her town do a wellness check, where she’d had a heart attack…on the day I received her note.

I feel very bad for my mother. She lost her brother, who was her other best friend in January, and now Gwen. It seems like she and my father, who were very well known in our area since they were school teachers for nearly 40 years each in the same town, have been going to a lot of funerals lately. It’s mainly for their former colleagues or some of their friends, but I can see their own mortality has been weighing on them a bit. I now know where all the important papers they have are, what the will says and in the next few weeks, they’re paying for their funeral expenses. With my uncle gone, I was given power of attorney should they both be unable to make decisions. They’re approaching their mid-70s, so they could theoretically still have 20 years each left in them, but it’s been a different kind of vibe lately.

I noticed a little bit of that vibe changing when my 20-year-old daughter, 17-year-old son, and 72-year-old dad all went zip lining in Massachusetts the other day. We needed to go do something outdoors and fun and my son and dad have never done it before. Ten years ago, my dad would have been planning our next trip. After the two miles of zip lines and mile of hiking through the mountains between the various zip lines, he said he never had to do it again. Of course, he finished just fine. I was the one who forgot to bring water, overheated and had a pretty serious case of the dry heaves between lines five and six…but we won’t talk about it. I’m sure my kids also thought, “Dad is getting old” when they saw I needed to take a break and wretch into the woods.

Finally, I’ve teased that I’m involved in something big and could change the trajectory of my porn addiction education quest. I got word from the powerful overseers that I will be able to announce what I’m talking about next week.

Enjoy the Fourth of July. Wear a mask.

The First Draft of the ‘Porn During the Pandemic’ Book is Basically Done

I was asked to write a mini-book by my publisher and to make it 10K to 20K words 15 days ago. Since then, I have interviewed 19 people, some at great length and written 28,961 words. My short days were 8-10 hours and once the interviewing was mostly done and it was just writing, the days got longer. On Saturday, I wrote 9,735 words over 15 hours and yesterday I wrote 8,224 words over 14 hours.

I think I’m going to start reading it later today, but I needed to give myself at least 18 hours to kind of get it out of my head so I could start at the beginning with a fresh set of eyes.

I’m still looking for another porn addict who has successfully navigated the pandemic (Rollie, you fit the profile? If so, drop me an email), a cam model who has retired, and a therapist to talk a bit about healthy sexuality. If you’re any of these people…let me know.

I actually think more than my other books, this one best shows my ability as a journalist and writer. While I do tell this story in the first person as a narrative thread, there’s a ton of research and a pretty deep dive into analysis of statistics. I wrote on here at the beginning of the year that I think some of Pornhub’s reporting is faulty, but I really lay out my case in this book.

I also interviewed a bunch of cam models, which is something I’d never done before. I’m usually on the side of telling people it’s not healthy to watch them or participate in them, and I still believe that at my core, but I met a really interesting bunch of people, almost all of whom I would think could be, or could have been, my friends in real life when I was younger. Having them talk about the more technical end of their job and what it means to their real lives off-camera was something I haven’t read much about. It’s the longest chapter, probably because in many ways, I found it to be the most interesting since it was my first time tackling that subject.

I think writing this book has been very good for my mental health. I’ve kind of been wandering aimlessly the last several months, even before the pandemic, uninterested in the freelance/ghostwriting I was doing and unable to get up and excited for a new book idea I have — which I still think is great, but it’s not the time for it yet. And then I have another book idea for after that, which is even more exciting, but I’ve got to get them done in the proper order. Nonetheless, I didn’t need to hustle for money because I was doing OK and nothing was stoking any fires of passion for my work. Turning out a well-researched 30,000-word book in two weeks has changed that. If gave me a burst of much-needed adrenaline. I think it also helps that in these two weeks, the weather has got much nicer and I can sit outside in shorts most days. That helps my demeanor a lot.

I believe the hope is that the book will be out in late June, but with the slowdown in production, I have a feeling that July is more realistic. With the way states are acting about the epidemic, I’m sure it will still be around and make the book still relevant in the moment. If not, I think it will always be an interesting look at how this time caused people to act in ways they otherwise wouldn’t.

During the creation of the book, I got another piece of very cool news that should be a big boost to me professionally, but I have also signed a non-disclosure agreement that says I can’t announce it for a little while. They haven’t given me a timetable, but I think it will be July or August on this one.

And, as always, you can buy my first two books from Amazon. The most recent book is on sale at the moment, 27% off the regular hardcover price and 19% off the softcover. No idea how they get those figures. You can see that book HERE.

All right, time for lunch, a little sunshine and some editing…

Random Thoughts, Feb 2020: Super Bowl Halftime, Porn is Everywhere, Contact Your Local Library for Me

Being a New England Patriots fan, one of the few perks of living in the tundra known as Maine, this year’s Super Bowl was far less important than most in recent memory. I did watch the game, however, and while it was tremendous, I’m hearing a debate between those who enjoyed the dancing and pageantry of the halftime show and those who thought it was an oversexed, adults-only debacle.

For those who missed it, the halftime show featured Jennifer Lopez, who returned to acting last year as an aging stripper in the film Hustlers, taking certain inspiration from that role, including a brief pole dance and Shakira, known for her belly dancing-inspired moves, doing some kind of oral sex equivalent tongue wagging that has become the most popular meme this week.

Taking a cue from both women’s Latino roots, the music was fast-paced and they were usually surrounded by dancers who one may feel were gyrating in a sexual manner in too-revealing costumes while others might defend it as a normal piece of the Latin music culture.

Despite my strong desire to educate the world about pornography addiction, I’ve got to be honest, I find both sides a bit extreme. It was a Super Bowl halftime show. I’m not a fan of either woman’s music, so I was playing on my phone. I think the last one I watched was Lady Gaga a few years back when the Patriots came back from a 28-3 deficit. Take that, Atlanta fans.

Could the halftime show possibly trigger someone who is new to recovery or send a person in their addiction off to the computer for a round of watching pornography? Sure, but as with my alcoholism, I don’t think the world should stop because I had a problem. I had to get over the fact people drink around me, not that they needed to stop drinking because of me.

I just looked it up and the highest-rated halftime show ever was Katy Perry’s, so apparently they keep track of things like that. If you’re offended by what you’re watching on the halftime show, turn it off. Sports and television are entertainment mediums that depend on audience engagement. The less eyes on the product, the less money they make.

Ironically, the Super Bowl is great for anti-porn advocates as PornHub always reports a sharp decrease in consumption on Super Bowl Sunday. And seriously, do you really want them to bring back Up With People?


I did a podcast recording a week or so ago and somebody asked a question that I have never been posed. Aside from simply being refreshing, it was a terrific question and I thought I’d share the answer here.

I was asked: “You say that you are nearly six years sober with no relapses. Are you saying in those six years, you’ve never seen pornography?”

I gave my typical response to the question “What is pornography?” in that it’s two-fold. First, anything can be pornography if you use it in a certain way. One person’s Victoria’s Secret catalog is a junk mail nuisance while it’s another’s main source of visual stimulation. More pertinent to that question is the second definition, which is what we can all agree is pornography. That’s the XXX stuff that is shown on the pay-per-view channels with names like Spice and Xtacy, in magazines like Hustler and Penthouse, and on websites like PornHub.

Have I seen any of this second classification of pornography in the last six years?

Of course. I have no idea how I could have avoided it.

In jail, there was a guy who had a couple of small hardcore sex photos taken from a magazine. I’ve seen street vendors in NYC selling the stuff. As a guy who writes regularly about pornography and includes pictures with his blogs, sometimes the Google search terms bring up pictures that go well beyond an R rating. And there’s been more than one movie I’ve seen in the last six years that while not technically pornographic, sure pushed the boundaries in the name of “art.”

So, do I feel like I relapsed? Not at all.

I’ve seen alcohol plenty of times since I got sober. Hell, we have some here in my house. Have I drank it? No. Am I still sober? Yes. When I saw any of that pornography, did it give me urges to engage in self-pleasure using visual aids? Nope. Did I engage in self-pleasure using visual aids? Nope. Do I reasonably try to avoid seeing such pornography? Absolutely.


My book He’s a Porn Addict…Now What? An Expert and a Former Addict Answer Your Questions has been performing decently. It was the publisher’s best performing new title over the last two months and ranked in the top of its “new release” category in three categories on Amazon during that time. You’re still invited to buy a copy.

The rollout of an “evergreen” book (meaning that there is no huge element of time involved) is a slower process than many books. First, the softcover comes out, then the Kindle and in this case, we’ve been lucky enough to also have a hardcover run. It is very cool seeing my book in hardcover. It makes me feel like a real book writer for the first time.

Marketing has involved blanketing just about anybody who would listen to me, as I started doing multiple podcasts every week dating back to November. That schedule is finally slowing down as I now am more selectively targeting audiences.

One area that my first book did well and I’m hoping this one also will also is with libraries. A lot of people don’t realize it, but libraries purchase their books like anyone else. Sure, there are certain titles that are gimmies like Stephen King or the next political tell-all, but for most of us, we are competing for limited shelf space.

How does a library decide what’s important? From its patrons.

I’m going to ask you, especially if you didn’t purchase a copy of my book, to do me a solid favor right now. Go to the website of your local library. Usually the site will have a search function that lets you search their catalog or the site. Search the site with the phrase “suggest a title for purchase.” Most of you will find a link to the form you need. If you can’t find this, and the link isn’t in one of the drop-down menus, just simply go to the “contact us” or “ask a librarian” form they all have.

Then, fill in the blanks. By you simply saying you want He’s a Porn Addict, Now What? and listing my co-author Tony Overbay in the author field (he’s listed first, so it’s easier for them to find if you use his name), you’re doing a lot to increase the chances of getting the book into your local library. You may not need it, but there are probably people who do, and your library may never get the book if you don’t suggest it. You’re doing a good thing for me, and for those who may benefit.

So, go do that right now. I’ll wait. Seriously. It takes 2 minutes. Please.

Thank you.

 

The Grateful Eight, Just a Little Late

As I chill out on writing this blog every day, there are still certain things I want to do and based on feedback, it seemed like people were liking the Grateful Eight feature I introduced a few months back where I mention eight things I’m grateful for on the eighth of the month, except I didn’t do it this month. Despite January 8 still not being a national holiday in celebration of Elvis Presley’s birthday (he would have been 85), or at least Great Musicians’ Day (it was also David Bowie’s birthday), I totally forgot to write an entry.

Anyway, here are the 8 things I’m grateful for this month:

  1. Everybody Who Said They’d Buy My Book on Kindle. Guess what, folks – it’s here! Several of you told me that you’d pick it up if it came to Kindle. Kindle HypeYou either need a new excuse of be true to your word. Here’s the LINK
  2. My Lack of Guilt Over Keeping This Page Updated. I guess I just need some more time to slack than I thought. I have a feeling there will be times of great output and times of almost no output. I’ve actually been trying to write this post for several days but other things have come up and I haven’t killed myself to get to it. This guilt-free feeling wouldn’t have happened in my previous life.
  3. Reddit’s RoastMe page. I know it’s not right to make fun of people, but I’ve always been one of those people who laughed his butt off when people made fun of me. I figure if you’re going to dish it, you should be able to take it. This is a community of people who love to take teasing and it’s a great outlet for creative writing. Yeah, some of the people go for the easy sex or race jokes, but there is some genuinely funny stuff there. If people want to be made fun of, they are my kind of people.
  4. The last Star Wars movie. The first movie I can really recall seeing at the theater, I think, is the Empire Strikes Back. I think that this most recent trilogy was for fans of the first trilogy, who grew up on it. I’ve read a lot of criticism of the film, and it’s certainly not one of those you should pick apart too much (I still wonder how they can have landing bay doors open in the vacuum of space) but if you loved the first trilogy and thought this last one has been OK, it’s worth watching.
  5. When Stuff is So Status Quo, You Don’t Notice. You know how when you’re at your sickest you tell yourself, “I’m never going to take being well for granted. I’m going to recognize it as awesome when it’s happening”? In the past month, 3 of my 3 cars have died, my daughter’s laptop has died, my dishwasher has died and my washing machine has died. There will be a day when everything is working again and I will take it for granted. I hope that day comes soon.
  6. My Son Being Naturally Smart. He just got his report card and in seven classes, not one was below 80. But the kid is lazy and procrastinates so much more than I ever did. I can’t quite break him of it and if he didn’t absorb everything he heard, we’d be in more trouble. I know he’s going to be fine in this world. He’ll probably do quite well, but jeez, he sometimes makes sloths look hyperactive.Screen Shot 2020-01-21 at 12.07.58 PM
  7. The Christmas Present My Daughter Gave Me. I’ve included a picture. It’s a map of the United States that’s covered in that weird stuff that you find on scratch-off lottery tickets. The idea is you scratch off where you’ve been in the country. I could have scratched the full states, but I wanted to scratch where I’d actually been or it would have been hugely uncovered except for three states. Until I visit Yellowstone, I can’t honestly say I’ve done that part of the country. And if you think that dust from the lottery tickets is annoying, imagine it in gold and 500x the amount on your kitchen table.
  8. Alex Trebek. I don’t watch Jeopardy faithfully anymore, but I did watch that Greatest of All-Time tournament a couple weeks ago. With Stage 4 cancer, he’s more likely not going to make it and it was touching to see the amount to tributes people gave him. It was also nice he got to show his stuff in prime time. While I obviously didn’t see the 1960s version, Trebek’s has been on since 1984, when I was 8 years old. There are few things that have remained as consistent as that show and the host through the changes of my life and knowing it’s probably coming to an end soon is minor in the grand scheme of things, but worth a pause.