Updated version of my first book now out, pre-sale discount code for my new book listed here

Hey everybody….

Things are getting exciting again in the author portion of my fight to bring pornography addiction awareness to the masses.

First Book New CoverFirst, this past week, Amazon.com has finally started offering an updated version of my first book, The Addiction Nobody Will Talk About to the public. I added an additional chapter to the book updating my life since it’s been around three years since the bulk of the book was written. It’s available at a reasonable price in both Paperback and Kindle. 

Have to mention that my daughter took the cover picture. She’s a great photographer and was a little frustrated that I didn’t let her take the cover photo for the first version of the book.

 

Screen Shot 2019-09-11 at 12.54.52 PMNext up in my publishing career will be a book I’m co-authoring with Tony Overbay called He’s Addicted to Porn… Now What? An Expert and A Former Addict Answer Your Questions. The book is designed as a guide for the female partner who has recently discovered her husband or boyfriend is a pornography addict. Of course, anybody who has to deal with a porn addict, and even porn addicts themselves can learn a lot from this book.

It won’t be on Amazon for about five more weeks, but it’s now on pre-order through the publisher’s website in paperback HERE. And, as an incentive to purchasing it early through that site, if you enter FF25 as a coupon code, you’ll save $5.

Here is the description of the book:

It can be a difficult time admitting you’re a drug addict or alcoholic, but when it comes to pornography addiction, the pain and feeling of betrayal can hit the addict’s partner worse than the addict himself. Those feelings can be amplified when the pornography addict won’t admit his problem, leaving a partner feeling like there is nothing she can do and nowhere to turn.

While the elite scientists and academics waste time trying to perfectly define pornography addiction, the condition has spread like wildfire throughout the world as access to porn takes little more than a click of the mouse or pulling a telephone out of one’s pocket.

Upon learning – with or without her partner’s knowledge – about a husband’s or boyfriend’s addiction, negative feelings and difficult questions usually come rushing into a woman’s life:

  • Does he look at this stuff because I’m not enough?
  • Was he like this when I first met him?
  • Is this God trying to test me?
  • What kind of help is available for him?
  • Am I just supposed to stay here and deal with this?

A sense of loss, betrayal, sadness and anger is completely normal, but there are difficult questions to answer and a rocky road ahead. The good news is that there are plenty of people who have been through this and their relationship not only survived, but it eventually thrived.

So where is a woman to turn when facing the revelation their partner is a pornography addict? Friends and family? They can offer moral support but likely have neither the experience nor the expertise to lend real help to the situation.

With He’s a Porn Addict…Now What? An Expert and a Former Addict Answer Your Questions, you’ll get pertinent answers from both sides of the equation. Tony Overbay is a licensed marriage and family therapist who has worked with thousands of couples dealing with pornography addiction. Also host of the popular The Virtual Couch podcast, Tony tackles your questions from the expert side of things. Joshua Shea, a former pornography addict and author of The Addiction Nobody Will Talk About, provides answers from the point of view of someone who dealt with a critical pornography addiction, and has been sober since early 2014.

My new book for partners of pornography addicts is now available for pre-sale!

I was very psyched earlier today when I found out that my newest book, He’s a Porn Addict…Now What? An Expert and a Former Addict Answer Your Questions is officially for sale through the website of my publisher, MSI Press. Pre-sale will be exclusively there for the next six weeks, and then it will open up to typical retailers like Amazon, Barnes & Noble, etc. There’s a special to purchase the book now for 25% off at the bottom of this article that I wanted to extend to my website visitors.

Here’s the current description for the book:

Screen Shot 2019-09-10 at 2.39.49 PMIt can be a difficult time admitting you’re a drug addict or alcoholic, but when it comes to pornography addiction, the pain and feeling of betrayal can hit the addict’s partner worse than the addict himself. Those feelings can be amplified when the pornography addict won’t admit his problem, leaving a partner feeling like there is nothing she can do and nowhere to turn.

While the elite scientists and academics waste time trying to perfectly define pornography addiction, the condition has spread like wildfire throughout the world as access to porn takes little more than a click of the mouse or pulling a telephone out of one’s pocket.

Upon learning – with or without her partner’s knowledge – about a husband’s or boyfriend’s addiction, negative feelings and difficult questions usually come rushing into a woman’s life:

  • Does he look at this stuff because I’m not enough?
  • Was he like this when I first met him?
  • Is this God trying to test me?
  • What kind of help is available for him?
  • Am I just supposed to stay here and deal with this?

A sense of loss, betrayal, sadness and anger is completely normal, but there are difficult questions to answer and a rocky road ahead. The good news is that there are plenty of people who have been through this and their relationship not only survived, but it eventually thrived.

So where is a woman to turn when facing the revelation their partner is a pornography addict? Friends and family? They can offer moral support but likely have neither the experience nor the expertise to lend real help to the situation.

With He’s a Porn Addict…Now What? An Expert and a Former Addict Answer Your Questions, you’ll get pertinent answers from both sides of the equation. Tony Overbay is a licensed marriage and family therapist who has worked with thousands of couples dealing with pornography addiction. Also host of the popular The Virtual Couch podcast, Tony tackles your questions from the expert side of things. Joshua Shea, a former pornography addict and author of The Addiction Nobody Will Talk About, provides answers from the point of view of someone who dealt with a critical pornography addiction, and has been sober since early 2014.

To celebrate it being available through the publisher for the next six weeks exclusively, if you click on this link to purchase and type in FF25 upon checkout, you’ll get $4.99 off the cover price!

Pre-order your book today by clicking HERE

It’s a Good Time to Talk to Your Children About Pornography; A Lull for Porn Addiction Information?

I guess being away a couple of months really did recharge my battery as I have 101 pornography addiction-related things I want to talk about. Seems like a good time for one of my multiple-subject articles.

Keeping Kids in the Loop

First, it’s back-to-school time. There is no better time to talk to your children about pornography since their peers are the most likely people to introduce/distribute pornography to them.

Keep the discussion age appropriate. I don’t think any kid under 10 needs to be told more than, “If you see naked pictures of men or women, let mommy or dad know about it, OK? Just like we’d want you to tell us if you found a cigarette.”

I think you can step it up for ages 10-to-13 and let them know that pornography addiction is a real thing, just like drug addiction, alcoholism, eating disorders, etc. Recognize that a lot of the power is in their hands as you can’t police them 24/7. Let them know you’re there to talk and that you believe they’ll make the correct decisions.

With the 13-to-18 crowd, which I think is the most critical, I believe your message has to be two-fold. First, with the boys, it’s time to introduce them to the concept of porn-induced erectile dysfunction (PIED). Explain that there are many guys their age – and now in their 20s – who grew up looking at so much Internet porn, it has negatively affected their ability to have a normal physical relationship with a partner. Second, for both genders, it’s good to remind them that the moment they take a nude picture of themselves or someone else, even if they think it’s safe, there is no such thing as safe when it comes to cell phones, the Internet or trusting your “friends.” If they wouldn’t pull their pants down in school, they shouldn’t be doing it in front of a mirror because it could end up being seen by everyone in school, and countless others. It’s also good to remind them that looking at such pictures, along with making them, is against the law and people do get in trouble. Sadly, the biggest producers of child pornography are actually the children. They need to know it can come with dire consequences.

Where’s the New Information?

I don’t know if it’s just a natural lull, but since returning from my hiatus, I’ve been searching for articles, studies and blogs about pornography addiction and it appears there are fewer new ones than ever. I hope this isn’t an indication that porn addiction is becoming either normalized or talking about it has just been a passing fad.

My life, and the lives of so many people I have met in the last 5-6 years, have been radically altered by pornography addiction. Some, like mine, have endings where the user became a happier, healthier person with a family that stuck by them. Most however – especially those who are unable to conquer their addiction – are tales of woe, where the addict lost everything and was largely shunned. Both groups have to rebuild their lives into something new, but it can go in very different ways.

I think both stories need to be told. I know mine is more of a success story that the addict early in recovery can strive for, but I also think we need to hear those stories of broken lives to serve as a warning to people who are debating getting help.

With my PornAddictCounseling.org site, I deal with many people who after talking to me for a few weeks or months will throw up their hands and say they are the unique specimen for whom recovery is impossible. This is when I’ll have them read both the success and not-so-successful passages I’ve seen out there.

I think both stories can be very meaningful, but I’m not seeing much out there that’s new. Searches through Google and WordPress are just turning up what I’m already familiar with.

If you’ve had an experience with porn addiction, please consider sharing your story. This can’t be something we don’t talk about. There are too many people suffering out there who need to get help and feel that they are alone. Too many of them mistakenly think they’ll be ok in the long run because their addiction isn’t to drugs or alcohol.

Communication and education are key. Considering being one of the voices.

A Final Request

Finally, if you see some kind of article, blog or study out there that is relatively new, I hope you’ll let me know about it. As I’ve mentioned, my next book is coming out later this year (or early next year) and I’m starting to stir ideas around in my head for the third one.

The concept of the new book – a professional and a former addict answering questions for partners of addicts – came directly from reading blogs on WordPress. I’m always looking for inspiration and education, so let me know if there’s something out there I’m missing.

And of course, if you’ve got an idea for a book that you’re not planning to write, I’d love to hear it. Ideas can come from anywhere and only a fool thinks theirs are the best.

Back to School, err, Back to Blogging

Well, I’ve just renewed my domain name, so I guess you’re stuck with me for another year. I’m back from my blogging sabbatical. I probably made it sound like I just wanted to sit around the pool, and I did plenty of that early on, but I was a busy man this summer.

A long, relatively not strange trip

Two days ago, I returned from a massive road trip that was basically the entire month of August. I left Maine and drove west, then south with my daughter. We met my son and wife in San Francisco (they flew in) then traveled to Los Angeles where we met my brother’s family (they live there) and my parents (they flew in). We all went to Las Vegas, then just my father and I drove back to Maine. I was extremely lucky to spend so much time with people who helped me through my legal ordeal and recovery over the last six years.

In a way, I looked at the trip almost as a victory lap, or end of the legal part of the journey (I’m no longer on probation…read about it HERE) and sort of a way to hit the reset button before beginning the next chapter of my life. I drove, without help, 8,800 miles in 27 days, with 6 days not involving any driving.

I am also proud to say that I didn’t succumb to my porn or alcohol addictions. You want difficult? Try not to drink in Las Vegas. This is why I believe we face our triggers, not run from them.

I didn’t mention the trip on here because I didn’t want 101 suggestions of where to go since the 13 months planning the trip was a kind of solitary therapy. I tried to build the best trip for my family, depending on who was with me at the time. In the next week or two, I have to write my reviews for Trip Advisor, and I’ll include them here. I also didn’t talk about the trip because advertising your house is going to be empty is stupid.

Here are a few photos of my travels the last month through Grand Canyon, White Sands National Monument and the St. Louis Gateway Arch.

Read All About It

My other big news is that the manuscript of my second book, titled “He’s a Porn Addict…What Now? An Expert and a Former Addict Answer Your Questions” is going through the late stages of editing, the cover is being created, marketing plans devised, etc. at the publisher.

I’ve written the book with the brilliant Tony Overbay, and if you don’t follow his site or listen to his podcast, I urge you to subscribe. Get all his info HERE.

You’re going to get sick of me talking about this book in the next year, so I’ll save the long-windedness for another day. I don’t have an official release date yet, but I imagine it will be late 2019 or early 2020.

One quick mention I should make is to all of the ladies on WordPress who have had to deal with their partners’ issues with sex and pornography. You were both the inspiration to write the book and many of you were helpful when I needed something explained.

Thank you for sticking with me through my absence. I added a few new followers and was surprised that I managed more hits than David Bowie’s later years over the summer. I promise that I’ll be contributing much more in upcoming weeks and months and look forward to hearing your stories as well.

Getting Trivial Things Off Of My Chest – December Edition

I have a feeling the next week-and-a-half is going to be busy and with a packed schedule comes a lack of maintaining this blog. I can directly trace my busiest times of the year with how many (or how few) blog postings I’ve made. So, this might be it for 2018 unless I toss up a Q&A.

At one point earlier this year, I would have made sure to have at least two more entries. I followed my statistics much closer then. I don’t think that’s the best reason for writing a blog. As I’ve mentioned before, I know a blog with the term “porn” in the title will scare away some people and many computer filters don’t let people get to my site because of the topic of the content. It’s ironic the very people who could use this site are the ones being denied by clunky content filters.

It reminds me of back in like 1996, when the newspaper I was working at just got the Internet. The IT guy (yeah, I’m looking at you Ray) who had your typical Napoleon Complex that comes with a lot of these guys who were picked last in gym, installed a hardcore filtering system. I once did a story on a woman who survived breast cancer and tried to get some statistics, but couldn’t look it up because the word “breast” was in the search.

Anyway, earlier this year I justified that following stats was important because the higher the numbers I had, the more people I was helping. In reality, I think it also gave me a bit of an adrenaline rush to see such high numbers. I mentioned this to my therapist once and she is often of the opinion, “If you’re not hurting anyone or yourself, does it matter?” I understand this philosophy, but think part of my illness through most of my life was the constant attention I was seeking from strangers. While a much lesser example, I still think checking my stats three times a day was more indicative of a popularity contest than a completely altruistic mission to help people.

I’m sure that when the new book comes out sometime next year (my guess is late spring at this point, but these things seem to have a way of getting delayed) I’ll be on here shilling it almost daily, but I’ve decided to not live by a posting schedule in 2019. There’s a lot of good material I’ve written and I hope people search it out if they need help. I’m just not going to be a slave to posting in hopes it pays off in ego points.

 

Speaking of ego points, if any of you have ever thought of publishing a book, be wary of those “publishers” who try to play to your ego and are in it to make money off of you. Now, we can argue the word “legitimate” when I say “legitimate publishers” but to me, that means a publisher who tries to make money off the book, not the book’s author.

Despite a recent spat, the publisher of my first book NEVER asked how many copies I was going to buy, nor made that contingent upon publishing.

The new book is getting interest from a handful of publishers. One of them asked if they could send a contract. I said OK because I want to see as many potential deals as possible. I won’t mention the name of the company here, but after an exchange of several emails and a nice telephone conversation, their deal came in the mail the other day.

While I had a couple problems with the deal, the real red flags went off when I got to the section of the contract that stated we had to purchase 500 books as part of the initial deal at right around $9 each.

No legitimate publisher is ever going to ask you to purchase your book. In fact, much like the other offer we’re currently considering, they should offer you at least 10 free copies of your book.

For the $4,500 that new publisher wants us to spend, we could self-publish and get far more than 500 copies. We said thank you, but no thank you.

I understand the urge to not self-publish – I don’t want to do it – but if the only publishers interested in your work want a large paycheck with it, that’s not somebody you want to do business with. If your book is that good, they’ll get behind it and have some skin in the game to make it a success.

 

Before I wrap this up, I just want to take the opportunity to thank those of you who rode with me the entire year and those who just jumped on board in recent weeks. While I try to keep this kind of stuff in perspective, I appreciate when you hit the like button, share a blog I’ve written on Facebook or share your comments. The reality is, we need to talk about pornography use and pornography addiction before we can, as a society, tackle the problem. I share statistics all the time that indicate the problem is getting worse, not better. Those of us willing to face it (even by just passively reading what I present shows you’re interested in the conversation, which is far more engaged than the vast majority of society) are still in the minority, but hopefully if we can continue to not judge, and maintain a safe space for addicts to come forward, we can begin to put some small dents in the problem.

Once again, thank you. I value each and every one of you.

What I Wish I Knew Before I Wrote My First Book

As many of you who read this site regularly know, I have been working on a second book for much of this year. It’s a self-help book written with an LMFT from California that is geared toward the female partner of a male pornography addict.

While the last part of the book is still being edited for clarity and content, I have begun the arduous task of finding a publisher. There are a lot of lessons I learned the first time around and am being reminded of as I look for someone to put their company behind the book. If you’re reading this, there’s about an 80% chance that you’ve got a blog of your own, and I would bet there’s just as equal a chance you’ve considered writing a book.

Here are the three main things I wish people told me before I started the first time:

It’s a very impersonal process – Despite the fact many agents and publishers specifically say, “We will get back to you within 12 weeks, if we don’t, it means we’re not interested” it is still a bit of a blow to the ego when it’s not even formally rejected. When they are kind enough to send a letter of rejection, 9 out of 10 times, it’s a form letter.

With a memoir, like my first book, it felt like a rejection of my personal story. It was as if my tale of redemption was not important. The most grueling, yet transformative part of my life – easily the part of my life that deserved a book – didn’t deserve most publishers’ attention

The truth is, publishing houses will get hundreds, if not thousands, of queries every year. Let’s say a publisher gets 1,000 queries per year. They may ask to see 150 manuscripts and of those manuscripts, they may only print 20. When you boil that down to real numbers, that means only 2% of the original queries become a book. Those are mighty odds no matter what your story is about.

It’s a very long process – Aside from the fact it took 8-10 months to write and edit the book to a point I was happy to share it, I started looking for a publisher in May 2017. It wasn’t until August that I found the right one. I had a few nibbles of interest here and there, but people either wanted me to change the language to make it more salacious or were trying to get me to front the money to publish the book to be my “partner.”

We originally planned for the book to come out in October 2017, but when I wanted to give it another hard edit to eliminate a few thousand more words to make it tighter, it was pushed to early January 2018.

Aside from the initial burst of sales in the first 10 days, it took about six weeks for the book to gain traction. My best selling months were actually April and May. I didn’t see my first royalty check until July. My guess is if you figured out the dollars and cents, I probably made 40 cents per hour.

You will be doing the marketing – Unless you’re with a mammoth publisher that makes up one of the big five, you’re working with a smaller publisher that may help with marketing, but you’ll have to carry most of the load. This website was started to help market the book – although it grew into something bigger. I spent many hours just as the book came out searching for people to review it (very few people review non-fiction) and for podcasts to appear on. Thankfully, over time the podcasts and radio shows started reaching out to me.

I know that a lot of people make the Field of Dreams-inspired mistake of “If you write it, they will come.” That’s not true. You have to drag them to it, give away free copies and hope they read it and tell others. If you don’t have it in you to spend dozens of hours promoting your book, don’t expect much in the terms of sales.

Also understand that many media outlets are not interested in promoting a book that is self-published. While there are many fine self-published titles, the fact is, a self-published book doesn’t go through the same vetting process as one that has a commercial publisher.

And, much like with finding a publisher or agent, most of the time your queries to media outlets will go unanswered or rejected with a form letter.

It’s a small miracle any book gets a legitimate publisher to stand behind it. I’m hoping that this second go-round is a little easier, but at least I know what I’m up against. If you are thinking of writing a book, good luck. It’s one of the most satisfying experiences I’ve ever had.

 

 

Why do I have a pornography addiction awareness blog?

I was giving an interview to a podcast yesterday and was giving my standard answer to the “Why did you write this book?” question and it occurred to me that I don’t think I’ve ever directly answered the question on this blog which is strange, because the two reasons I write this blog are the same two reasons why I wrote the book.

1. To reach my fellow addicts who need to go get help

First, for addicts, or people who engage in pornography use more than they wish, I try to use my experience as a cautionary tale. Statistics suggest that one-out-of-three men between the ages of 18 and 35 believe they use too much pornography, have a problem with it, or are in the throes of a full-blown addiction.

I didn’t recognize I had a pornography addiction until long after I was arrested for inappropriate behavior with a teenager in a chat room. I believe one of the reasons that I never thought about porn addiction was that I never heard anybody talking about it.

Would it have stopped me before I let it get too far? I don’t know, nor will I ever know, but I can at least try to be that voice I never heard.

If you believe that you have a pornography addiction, please begin to get some help. That could mean a 12-step group, rehab, a therapist, online forums, research…whatever. Just don’t sit there are let the addiction fester. Check out the Resources page for more info on multiple ways to get help.

I know there is an addict reading this now who thinks, “I may have an addiction, but it clearly wasn’t as bad as yours.”

That’s probably true, and consider yourself lucky you have yet to reach the critical point that I did. If you think that I had some idea I’d ever reach the place where I was capable of going into a chatroom, look for a woman to talk to and make the mistake of engaging a teenager…well, you’re wrong.

I would have sworn to you probably up to the last two or three months before I made that horrible mistake I was incapable of doing such a thing – and I would have been telling the truth.

The gambling addict never thinks they’ll lose the house, the guy who snorts cocaine never thinks he’ll be putting a needle in his arm, the person who find solace in food never thinks they’ll get to 300 pounds.

If you have a problem – it doesn’t have to be an actual addiction yet – get some help soon. Stop this before it festers into something you can’t control.

2. To remind non-addicts there is no stereotypical addict

If you’re a male under 40 years old and you don’t look at pornography regularly, you are in the minority. If you’re a female under 40 that doesn’t visit a pornographic website at least twice a year, you’re in the minority. 98% of married men and 70% of married women under 35 report having looked at pornography at least once in the last six months. It’s not just people born post-1978 either.

Most people look at porn, but they won’t admit it. I think that they believe that people like themselves don’t look at porn and they are an exception. We need to acknowledge that more people look at porn than ever before, even if they’re not talking about it.

When I was in rehab for porn addiction, in 12-step groups, or in a group therapy setting, one thing always struck me: These are not similar people. I have met doctors, nurses, lawyers, teachers, people ranging in age from 19 to 78, the rich, poor and everything in between. I’ve met several women and people who can claim to be of just about every race.

Why is it important that we not stereotype who a porn addict may be? When we stereotype, we miss the outliers. If we’re led to believe that every porn addict is a 22-year-old pimply faced kid who lives in his mom’s basement and has never kissed a girl, we’re going to miss all of the others. It’s kind of like how we seemed to all agree that opiod users in the 1980s and early 90s were homeless types who weighed next to nothing and were making bad choices, not actually sick people. Now, almost everyone knows someone struggling with opiods and they don’t fit the morally bankrupt hobo profile.

Your husband, daughter, father, co-worker, clergy member, etc., may not only look at porn, they may have a problem with it. How would you really know?

I was a 37-year-old civic-minded business owner with a wife and two kids when my recovery began. I believe that the reason I had so much negative fallout locally was not only because of the charges against me, but because the community felt duped. Since I didn’t wear the tag of pornography addict on my sleeve, I certainly couldn’t be one, right? Well, they were wrong and I think felt betrayed for it. The reality is, you can’t spot a porn addict. The moment you think you can, you’re stereotyping and potentially missing something important.