Highlighting the Personal Development Areas that Need Attention in the New Year

I never used to make New Year’s Resolutions. I was too much of an edgy individual who wasn’t going to kowtow to pack mentality. That was before I recognized that certain types of conformity are important and are actually the glue that holds a society together.

The always worthy of a read Coaching Skills International posted another great, simple piece on Jan. 1 that was titled Tips for Getting More Out of Life. While I think I’ve developed the ability to accept and/or follow Tips 1-6, it’s those last four I need work on. So, I decided that these will be things to work on in the immediate future. Since I resolved this on Jan. 1, technically it’s a New Year’s Resolution…I’m such a commoner.

These four tips were:

Schedule margin into your life – as something unexpected will often change your plans.

I love the irony of the timing of this bit of advice. This morning, only hours after reading this last night, my wife’s car was dead. So, I gave it a jump this morning and she made it work barely, but it sounds like there’s something well beyond a battery happening. Now, I’ve got to get it towed to a garage to be looked at and who knows the cost of fixing it. In less than one week, we’ve gone from a three-car household to a one-car household.

This would have really set me off in the past with anxiety, but I’ve made some strides in this area. I know in a few weeks things will likely be back to normal, but in the interim, the four of us all have such tightly packed lives I have no idea how it’s going to work with one vehicle. I’m now running through ideas of how to handle this. I really should run through other “when the shit hits the fan” solutions in my life before they occur. What happens if the hot water heater or furnace die today? What happens if my wife loses her job? What happens if my parents die or one of the kids gets sick? You can never predict the unexpected, but you can be better prepared than I am.

QTIP: Quit Taking It Personally.

Do you know the one word you’ll never read on a box of Q-Tips? Ears. You’re actually not supposed to stick them in there and the company will never tell you it’s OK. I can’t think of another product where 99.9% of people using them are doing it for a purpose the company won’t acknowledge…but I digress.

This is another work in progress. I’m much better at this than I was five or six years ago, but I’m not as far along as I wish. Just when I think I have this one nailed, I get bombarded with a bunch of negativity and shaking it off isn’t as easy as I tell myself it is in simpler times.

I think it’s not just attacks. I think it’s not being heard, or at least not having my opinions considered that feels so bad to me. As a journalist, I’m trained to hear all side of things, even if I disagree, and to do so with logic and measured emotion. There are a lot of people who will just trash you and not listen to reason. I guess I take not extending the same courteous to me as the personal disrespect part.

Define what’s necessary; say no to the rest.

You would think that somebody like me has a really easy time saying no to people, but it’s always been a problem. Despite being seen as a bad guy by many people, I hate being seen as the bad guy. It’s ironic. I’ve always, at least in my mind, tried to keep conflict to a minimum with others. I know the way I used to carry myself and conduct my business rubbed many people the wrong way, but I never set out to upset them.

Saying no is difficult for me. It led to too many good causes getting free advertising in my magazine, sometimes subpar movies getting into the film festival I helped produce and spending taxpayers money on a lot of social issues as a city councilor. I don’t like saying no to my kids, wife or parents. I don’t like being the negative guy. Saying no and stepping away is a challenge I face in 2020.

Take a deep breath and wait before responding. Don’t react, and say something you’ll regret.

I’m much better at this than I used to be, willing to say something deeply biting if I felt the situation called for it. Now, I can usually shrug things off one or two times, but if someone keeps poking the bear, I’m really, really, really good at saying hurtful things. Like, if there was a game show where you won prizes saying things that cut people deep, I would have been the James Holzhauer of it in 2004.

I think this goes back to not caring what people say. I’m improving and think that I consciously try to diffuse situations and/or walk away, but if the other party isn’t interested in letting things go, they can goad me into not letting them go. Then I say something truly horrible that surprises even myself.

Maybe by the end of the year I can get it to the point where I don’t react after 2 or 3 times but put it to 4 or 5. I mean, after four time of telling someone to back off it seems fair to go Hulk mode on them.

 

 

Discovering the concept of Imposter Syndrome

I don’t often share links to other blogs here, but I somehow found a blog a couple of weeks back called Coaching Skills International that has been a breath of fresh air. From what I can tell it’s produced by an online counseling college out of Canada. If I’m wrong, I hope they’ll correct me. I urge you to check it out and see the kind of advice and knowledge they offer.

This past weekend, they posted an article about imposter syndrome. They define it as:

“Impostor syndrome is a psychological condition where people are unable to believe in their successes. Thus, despite the evidence that points to the fact that they are skilled, capable and competent they write this off as temporary – or timing and good luck. Thus, they constantly struggle with feeling like a fraud.”

This absolutely describes the first 37 years of my life, especially the last few years before I lost almost everything and entered recovery. I always had this voice in the back of my head going back to my days as a child that said, “You can’t let them know who you really are. Nobody will approve of, nor like who you really are, so be somebody else.”

I have suspicions that this developed first from somehow getting the message from my environment that I wasn’t enough. I think there’s a fine line between correcting and teaching a small child the right way to do things and making them feel inferior and as if they don’t have the instinct to do things correctly the first time, leading them to constantly doubt themselves.

Most of those negative messages came from a babysitter I had while my parents worked prior to me entering school. I’ve already written about the abuse while I was there, so I’ll skip it, but I also think my imposter syndrome was borne out of a fear of my safety. I internally learned at an early age how to say and do what I needed to avoid her wrath (most of the time) and that involved putting on a show, not being my genuine self. It’s the survival skill I leaned upon too heavily as I grew up.

Finally, I think my imperfect mental health likely played a role in exacerbating my imposter syndrome. Anxiety pushes you to avoid negative things like conflict with others. Depression forces you to put on a happy face for the world. Mania attempts to convince you that you’re something special and the life of the party, despite knowing you’re faking it.

Example #1

I remember in late 2012 when, as the co-founder of a large film festival in Maine, we held a press conference to announce our plans. It was in the space adjacent to our office we also rented and turned into an art gallery.

We had purchased a couple of those large backdrops (called step-and-repeats) you see celebrities pose in front of on the red carpet that usually has small logos for the event and a sponsor. A friend from a local college brought over a very cool looking podium and sound system so there was one of those small microphones you see on awards show to speak into.

As a surprise, I arranged to have Les Stroud of the Survivorman television show come to the festival that year and teased the announcement. I also arranged to have him speak to us via Skype at the press conference. The whole visual set-up was very professional.

As a city councilor (a whole other imposter story), I was good friends with the mayor and he agreed to attend the press conference to speak about the economic impact to the city.

So, we sent invitations to a few VIPs, our sponsors and the media to come to the press conference to hear what we had to say – and they all did. When the emcee (the magazine’s managing editor) introduced me to make the surprise announcement of Survivorman, I came up to the podium and looked out. There were probably 40 invited guests, including four TV stations with cameras and two newspaper reporters there.

I was standing on a stage and they were all waiting to hear me. In that moment, a wave of thoughts sprouted: “How did I pull this all together? How is every media source within 50 miles here? How can none of them recognize that I’m a hustler, a liar and a fraud? I am putting on a totally fake press conference – except it’s not fake. Or is it? It’s for a real event. I shouldn’t be in this position. It should be reserved for talented people who know what they’re doing. This song and dance is going to result in sponsors giving me tens of thousands of dollars I don’t deserve. How do I make sure these people don’t see the REAL me?”

Example #2

In my high school senior yearbook, I won the “Most Opinionated” superlative. I knew what that meant. It was the “Biggest loudmouth asshole who we still somehow like award.”

Even then I felt like I was an imposter. I excelled at things I found simple, like history and creative writing, and figured out how to cheat my way through math and science. I don’t think I was part of any specific clique, finding it easy to bounce around because as a chameleon, I could adapt to whomever I was hanging out with. If I was with the jocks, I’d turn my brain off. If I was with the brains, I’d hide the fact I loved sports.

Fast-forward 19 years and I’m nearing my demise. About six months after Example #1 took place, I was asked if I would give the commencement address for the latest graduating class. It took less than two decades for the loudmouth asshole who had to sit silently at his graduation in 1994 to get the headlining spot for the Class of 2013. This was a new high-water mark in fooling the world.

By this point, I was well into the deepest part of my addictions. I knew I’d need to have a few drinks in me to give the speech, but knew in that condition I couldn’t work from notecards behind a podium on a stage. So, I started the speech with a lame comment and walked off the stage and gave the speech from the auditorium floor, pacing the entire time. I didn’t use notecards and just made some bullet points and wrote a few jokes. I’ve always had the ability to just wing it when public speaking.

After the speech, one person complimented me, saying: “I liked how you came down to talk to the kids and walked around. And the fact you memorized that speech! Very impressive!”

Was it impressive or was it a con? My mind at the time told me I was conning the world and the only way I got away with it was with the numbing effects of alcohol and porn. Otherwise, I might have slipped up and screamed, “I’m completely full of shit everybody! Stop enabling me!”

I tracked down that speech online when writing this. Ironically, in the first five or six minutes, there is a lot of subtext to what I’m saying which sounds to me like I’m wrestling with imposter syndrome. There are so many references to it if you know what to look for. You can also count the number of times I drunkenly stumble over my words. I guess most people never caught on.

But I have to confess, even today, I find that pajama pants joke pretty funny.

If you’d like to see me fake my way through giving an “inspirational” speech, but knowing what was really going on, check this out:

 

 

A post-script to this example is that while I was giving this speech, my daughter was one town away, winning her middle school talent show. She was a bit of a wallflower, not participating in many activities and I have so much regret not being there to see it. My injured mind told me it was easier to fake being a successful professional in front of 3,000 than being a good father, blended into a small audience.

It was years of rehab, therapy, research, introspection, writing and very intentionally making different behavioral decisions that helped me move away from imposter syndrome. If you’d like to learn some practical techniques for overcoming it, check out the article that inspired this post at: Imposter Syndrome I wrote several more thoughts in their comments I haven’t shared here.