Book Review: Going Deeper by Eddie Capparucci

I like when life surprises me, especially when it comes to the kindness of other people. Before I entered recovery six years ago and developed a lot of tools and people skills that were lacking my first 38 years, I didn’t notice these things, or always thought they came with an ulterior motive because frankly, if I was being kind to you, there was probably a reason behind it.

Not too long ago, I met Eddie Capparucci, LPC, C-CSAS, CPCS. He’s a therapist out of Marietta, Georgia, and one of my favorite people I’ve met in the last six months. He’s provided a few guest blogs to this site that you may have seen.

In early December, just as I joined LinkedIn and started to promote my latest book, I got a message from Eddie who mentioned he was releasing a book in February and wondered if I had a master list of podcasts. I don’t, but the old me would have pretended I did and guarded the imaginary list as if it were precious. Instead, I just urged him to check out the list on my website of shows I’ve done. It’s really the only list I have.

We got to exchanging emails and eventually, our books. The old me probably wouldn’t have read his book and lied about it, giving a decent review, but finding problems for the sake of it. Eddie, of course, didn’t do that with my book. He had a solid review that became part of the “expert review” section on Amazon.

Screen Shot 2020-02-11 at 9.58.25 AMI mention the “old me” a bunch because Eddie’s book got me thinking about that guy and how he became that way. Going Deeper: Understanding How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction; The Road to Recovery Goes Through Your Childhood helped me make some of those “a-ha!” connections that come with early recovery, but become fewer and farther apart the deeper and longer you remain sober.

While Eddie is a Christian writer and there are a few references to God early in the book, it didn’t turn me off enough to want to stop reading. Once he gets through his introduction, spirituality really takes a back seat to the main theme of the book: There are nine“inner child” personality types and understanding yours will help lead to addressing issues, especially trauma, that have plagued your life up to, and including, today.

I found the chapters on the “Control Kid” and “Sexually Abused Kid” very identifiable because those are probably two of the biggest areas I’ve focused on in my personal therapy. My biggest strides in recovery were unpacking how the sexually abused kid became the control kid and how the control kid was never that far in the background of my adult life. I believe if I had read these chapters only months into recovery they would have been life altering passages as it felt like he knew details of my specific story in describing these personality types.

I actually found the chapter in Going Deeper detailing the “Entitled Kid” to be the most enlightening upon first read. In going through this section, I realized that I developed quite an entitled streak around the age of 11 or 12 that was a major part of my personality that I still struggle with on a daily basis, perhaps even more than the other child personality types that I knew were there.

Eddie makes sure to stress that no book is going to take care of the problem and urges the reader to attend professional therapy, but he also provides some fantastic tips and a plan at the end of the book to the reader who is wondering what to do next.

Whether you’re a porn and alcohol addict like me, or have never had an addiction but are dealing with trauma from youth, this is an important book to have. It’s the kind of tool that I believe therapists should share with their new clients as it could shave some time off the “get to know you period” if a client can point to the Inner Child they most identify with.

I’ve had good luck with my new book, and it’s been consistently ranked highly on the Amazon “Hot New Release” categories it has been featured in. Of course, it feels great when it’s Nos. 1 or 2, but when it falls to Nos. 6 or 7, and I see Going Deeper in the top spots, I know readers can’t go wrong either way. A decade ago, I would have been resentful Eddie’s book was doing better than mine in that moment and wouldn’t have talked to him at all, but today, I’m grateful he reached out and I urge everyone reading this to pick up a copy of his book through Amazon as soon as you can. Your inner child will thank you.

Guest Post: 4 Things to Determine If You Can Trust Your Sex-Addicted Spouse

For this guest post, I welcome Eddie Capparucci. He’s an LPC, CSAS, CPCS, a licensed professional counselor, certified in sexual and pornography addiction. He is the author of the soon-to-be-released book “Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction.”
Pre-orders are now available at  https://www.blackrosewriting.com/nonfiction/goingdeeper  Use the promo code PREORDER2019 to save 15%. He can be reached at edcappa@gmail.com.

By Eddie Capparucci, LPC, CSAS, CPCS

It is one of the most common questions a spouse will ask during a couples’ first counseling session when a sex addiction has been discovered. “How will I know when I will be able to trust him again”?

It’s a great question because at the core of the couples’ issues is the broke bond of trust. Sex-addicted partners:

  • Violate their commitment, to be honest, and faithful.
  • Drive a wedge in the relationship that feels like the size of the Grand Canyon.
  • Create a sense of hopelessness that leaves the other feeling numbed and confused.

Ask any partner who has been betrayed sexually and they will tell you, while the infidelity is like a punch in the gut, the worst part is the dishonesty and lying. While they hate being cheated upon they detest the lack of integrity their partner displays in their attempts to cover their tracks. That is why at some point, the focus on re-building trust is as critical as helping the sex-addicted partner manage the addiction itself.

So how can a betrayed partner start to become comfortable and regain a sense of confidence that their sex-addicted spouse is safe? Let’s examine four key factors to look for to determine if your spouse is becoming trustworthy.

  1. He is committed to his recovery

Of course, this is the one number key to not only learning to manage a sexual addiction but to begin the process of rebuilding a tattered relationship. A sex addict must demonstrate dedication to the game plan that has been created to assist them in breaking the bondage of secrecy and betrayal. I have seen partners who dive in and go beyond what is asked of them in recovery. I also have witnessed spouses who barely scratch the surface in doing the work that is required of them. When this happens, it is incredibly disheartening to the wounded spouse.

If your spouse is following a treatment regimen and sharing with you his progress, then have hope better days await both of you.

  1. He doesn’t shut you down when you vent

One of the first things I will tell a husband who has abused sex is that his wife has a barrel of rocks and she will be throwing them your way for the next 12-24 months. The ability for a woman to properly grieve the betrayal of the relationship is critical in order for there to be a chance for the relationship to move ahead.

But some men struggle when their grieving wives are throwing rocks. They become defensive and attempt to shut down the conversation. However, this is a grave mistake. When a woman is not given an opportunity to grieve she will continue to sit on those emotions and learn how to express them in other ways including perhaps being passive aggressive. As I tell men, when she grieves, she is healing. Let her grieve.

You can start to sense your spouse is getting better when they can sit with you in your pain. This demonstrates they understand the extent of your anguish and are committed to helping you get to a better emotional place.

  1. He starts to develop and engage in healthy communities

Clinical studies have demonstrated a critical key to recovering from sex addiction is participating in a healthy community. Yet, it’s the most significant pushback we receive from our sex addiction clients. In their intense shame and embarrassment, it would be easier to get them to agree to walk a tightrope across two New York City skyscrapers than attend a recovery group meeting. Men who refuse to participate in a support group are playing Russian roulette with their recovery. The lone wolf fails.

As the wounded spouse, if you see your husband is attending a support group; working with a sponsor and engaging in a men’s group, you should feel comfortable that he is learning how to step outside of his negative comfort zone. Establishing authentic relationships with others will help him maintain accountability, which for you and your relationship is a significant win.

  1. He demonstrates the ability to attach with you emotionally

A man struggling with sexual addiction is confused about intimacy. Somewhere along the line, they confused physical intimacy for emotional intimacy. They have an easier time connecting physical, and therefore their emphasis is on sexual relations.

When you find your spouse being able to identify and express emotions, or showing signs of being open and vulnerable, you know he is on the right track of recovery. Sexual addiction is an intimacy disorder, and the course of treatment is designed to broaden the addict’s view of healthy intimacy to include an emotional connection.

An addict who is committed to recovery; supports his wife’s grieving; engages in a healthy community and begins to identify and express deeper emotions is an individual who is on the right path for recovery.