Book Review: Going Deeper by Eddie Capparucci

I like when life surprises me, especially when it comes to the kindness of other people. Before I entered recovery six years ago and developed a lot of tools and people skills that were lacking my first 38 years, I didn’t notice these things, or always thought they came with an ulterior motive because frankly, if I was being kind to you, there was probably a reason behind it.

Not too long ago, I met Eddie Capparucci, LPC, C-CSAS, CPCS. He’s a therapist out of Marietta, Georgia, and one of my favorite people I’ve met in the last six months. He’s provided a few guest blogs to this site that you may have seen.

In early December, just as I joined LinkedIn and started to promote my latest book, I got a message from Eddie who mentioned he was releasing a book in February and wondered if I had a master list of podcasts. I don’t, but the old me would have pretended I did and guarded the imaginary list as if it were precious. Instead, I just urged him to check out the list on my website of shows I’ve done. It’s really the only list I have.

We got to exchanging emails and eventually, our books. The old me probably wouldn’t have read his book and lied about it, giving a decent review, but finding problems for the sake of it. Eddie, of course, didn’t do that with my book. He had a solid review that became part of the “expert review” section on Amazon.

Screen Shot 2020-02-11 at 9.58.25 AMI mention the “old me” a bunch because Eddie’s book got me thinking about that guy and how he became that way. Going Deeper: Understanding How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction; The Road to Recovery Goes Through Your Childhood helped me make some of those “a-ha!” connections that come with early recovery, but become fewer and farther apart the deeper and longer you remain sober.

While Eddie is a Christian writer and there are a few references to God early in the book, it didn’t turn me off enough to want to stop reading. Once he gets through his introduction, spirituality really takes a back seat to the main theme of the book: There are nine“inner child” personality types and understanding yours will help lead to addressing issues, especially trauma, that have plagued your life up to, and including, today.

I found the chapters on the “Control Kid” and “Sexually Abused Kid” very identifiable because those are probably two of the biggest areas I’ve focused on in my personal therapy. My biggest strides in recovery were unpacking how the sexually abused kid became the control kid and how the control kid was never that far in the background of my adult life. I believe if I had read these chapters only months into recovery they would have been life altering passages as it felt like he knew details of my specific story in describing these personality types.

I actually found the chapter in Going Deeper detailing the “Entitled Kid” to be the most enlightening upon first read. In going through this section, I realized that I developed quite an entitled streak around the age of 11 or 12 that was a major part of my personality that I still struggle with on a daily basis, perhaps even more than the other child personality types that I knew were there.

Eddie makes sure to stress that no book is going to take care of the problem and urges the reader to attend professional therapy, but he also provides some fantastic tips and a plan at the end of the book to the reader who is wondering what to do next.

Whether you’re a porn and alcohol addict like me, or have never had an addiction but are dealing with trauma from youth, this is an important book to have. It’s the kind of tool that I believe therapists should share with their new clients as it could shave some time off the “get to know you period” if a client can point to the Inner Child they most identify with.

I’ve had good luck with my new book, and it’s been consistently ranked highly on the Amazon “Hot New Release” categories it has been featured in. Of course, it feels great when it’s Nos. 1 or 2, but when it falls to Nos. 6 or 7, and I see Going Deeper in the top spots, I know readers can’t go wrong either way. A decade ago, I would have been resentful Eddie’s book was doing better than mine in that moment and wouldn’t have talked to him at all, but today, I’m grateful he reached out and I urge everyone reading this to pick up a copy of his book through Amazon as soon as you can. Your inner child will thank you.

The Grateful Eight, Just a Little Late

As I chill out on writing this blog every day, there are still certain things I want to do and based on feedback, it seemed like people were liking the Grateful Eight feature I introduced a few months back where I mention eight things I’m grateful for on the eighth of the month, except I didn’t do it this month. Despite January 8 still not being a national holiday in celebration of Elvis Presley’s birthday (he would have been 85), or at least Great Musicians’ Day (it was also David Bowie’s birthday), I totally forgot to write an entry.

Anyway, here are the 8 things I’m grateful for this month:

  1. Everybody Who Said They’d Buy My Book on Kindle. Guess what, folks – it’s here! Several of you told me that you’d pick it up if it came to Kindle. Kindle HypeYou either need a new excuse of be true to your word. Here’s the LINK
  2. My Lack of Guilt Over Keeping This Page Updated. I guess I just need some more time to slack than I thought. I have a feeling there will be times of great output and times of almost no output. I’ve actually been trying to write this post for several days but other things have come up and I haven’t killed myself to get to it. This guilt-free feeling wouldn’t have happened in my previous life.
  3. Reddit’s RoastMe page. I know it’s not right to make fun of people, but I’ve always been one of those people who laughed his butt off when people made fun of me. I figure if you’re going to dish it, you should be able to take it. This is a community of people who love to take teasing and it’s a great outlet for creative writing. Yeah, some of the people go for the easy sex or race jokes, but there is some genuinely funny stuff there. If people want to be made fun of, they are my kind of people.
  4. The last Star Wars movie. The first movie I can really recall seeing at the theater, I think, is the Empire Strikes Back. I think that this most recent trilogy was for fans of the first trilogy, who grew up on it. I’ve read a lot of criticism of the film, and it’s certainly not one of those you should pick apart too much (I still wonder how they can have landing bay doors open in the vacuum of space) but if you loved the first trilogy and thought this last one has been OK, it’s worth watching.
  5. When Stuff is So Status Quo, You Don’t Notice. You know how when you’re at your sickest you tell yourself, “I’m never going to take being well for granted. I’m going to recognize it as awesome when it’s happening”? In the past month, 3 of my 3 cars have died, my daughter’s laptop has died, my dishwasher has died and my washing machine has died. There will be a day when everything is working again and I will take it for granted. I hope that day comes soon.
  6. My Son Being Naturally Smart. He just got his report card and in seven classes, not one was below 80. But the kid is lazy and procrastinates so much more than I ever did. I can’t quite break him of it and if he didn’t absorb everything he heard, we’d be in more trouble. I know he’s going to be fine in this world. He’ll probably do quite well, but jeez, he sometimes makes sloths look hyperactive.Screen Shot 2020-01-21 at 12.07.58 PM
  7. The Christmas Present My Daughter Gave Me. I’ve included a picture. It’s a map of the United States that’s covered in that weird stuff that you find on scratch-off lottery tickets. The idea is you scratch off where you’ve been in the country. I could have scratched the full states, but I wanted to scratch where I’d actually been or it would have been hugely uncovered except for three states. Until I visit Yellowstone, I can’t honestly say I’ve done that part of the country. And if you think that dust from the lottery tickets is annoying, imagine it in gold and 500x the amount on your kitchen table.
  8. Alex Trebek. I don’t watch Jeopardy faithfully anymore, but I did watch that Greatest of All-Time tournament a couple weeks ago. With Stage 4 cancer, he’s more likely not going to make it and it was touching to see the amount to tributes people gave him. It was also nice he got to show his stuff in prime time. While I obviously didn’t see the 1960s version, Trebek’s has been on since 1984, when I was 8 years old. There are few things that have remained as consistent as that show and the host through the changes of my life and knowing it’s probably coming to an end soon is minor in the grand scheme of things, but worth a pause.

 

Here’s Your Chance to Redeem Yourself…

Screen Shot 2019-09-11 at 12.54.52 PMYou really wanted to buy my new book and support me when it came out in softcover in December, but either the $19.99 (plus tax and shipping) cost or the fact you’d have a book laying around the house that said “Porn Addict” on the cover was too much for you. That’s OK, I understand. And now, both of those excus….err….reasons have been taken care of as I am proud to announce He’s a Porn Addict…Now What? An Expert and a Former Addict Answer Your Questions is available in Kindle!

Now, with a low price of $9.99 and no shipping costs, you can show you support, learn a few things, and prove that reading isn’t dead. With Amazon’s gifting and lending program, if you know somebody who should have the book but isn’t going to pick it up for whatever reason,  you can share with them in a much more subtle way than giving them an actual book.

Hope you’ll pick up, or download, your copy today!

Link to the Kindle:  https://amzn.to/2NyIWAT

For those who purchase the Kindle (and those who don’t, but whatever) my first book is available on Kindle for $3.99 for a short time for only HERE

Random Thoughts, December 2019

My mind is buzzing today. Trying to focus on one topic is impossible. Thankfully, I’ve built this escape hatch that lets me get away with being scattered once a month.

One of the ironies of what I do now with pornography addiction awareness and education is that I have to keep up-to-date with changing technology and how people are utilizing their porn and how porn is essentially sold online – all while not using it myself.

The situation makes sense when you think about it. I couldn’t lecture about the evils of video game addiction, telling young people what playing too much Pac-Man on Atari or Legend of Zelda on Super Nintendo will do to their brains. I have a feeling with our current crop of young pornography addicts, Playboy sounds more like an antique than a source to get your fix.

I was kind of reminded this when I had a conversation with a couple of people in their 20s who know what’s going on and laughed when I asked if people were still hooking up over Skype. Apparently that’s like asking if they still post to Facebook. I was just showing my age.

Thankfully I have a daughter who knows what’s going on. I’m 99.99% sure that she doesn’t engage in any of these activities, but she’s able to keep me abreast of how the young people are making their own porn and how camgirls now mostly use Snapchat and cut out the third-party cam sites so they can keep all the money themselves, minus  the small percentage they kick back to Venmo.

I don’t quite understand Snapchat because I’ve never used it, but the entrepreneurial side of me says good for you getting more of the money. The anti-porn side of me screams that you’re selling your body for what an appetizer at Buffalo Wild Wings costs. This is why parents need to start talking to their kids early about pornography. You don’t want it seeming like a viable option as a part-time job.

 

I haven’t asked anybody on here to buy my book in the last week. One of you has an extra $20 in your pocket and appreciates what I do on here, right? Be a pal and go support me. The first 10 or 11 days went well, but it’s leveling out and I need to keep showing my publisher it’s a viable entity to put their marketing resources behind. If nobody knows about the book, it was a pointless exercise in writing it because it helped nobody. And I know you may only think you’re one person and one book doesn’t make a difference but with this genre (sexual health recovery) it really does make a difference to the bean counters. As I mentioned before, if you don’t need the book, donate it to your local library, women’s charity or church. Doesn’t donating stuff at the holiday season warm your heart? Follow the link… https://amzn.to/2qvxVbm

 

In a couple of weeks, PornHub releases its annual statistics report to show how pornography viewing trends have changed in the last year. I was surprised to find out as of November 1, PornHub has actually fallen to the third most popular pornography website after years of being on top. It’s ranked as the 10th most popular website on Earth. The other sites are No. 7 and No. 9, but since they don’t hand out analytics, I’m not going to mention them. When you realize that these three websites get more individual traffic than Yahoo, Amazon, Netflix and Reddit do, it shows you just how silently the world is using pornography. There are also porn sites at No. 21 and No. 48.

 

Screen Shot 2019-12-12 at 8.06.05 AMThis has nothing to do with pornography addiction or prevention, but it does speak to a tone-deaf response to addiction in general. On my massive road trip through America earlier this year, my favorite state was South Dakota for a bunch of reasons. One is not their ability to clearly get an idea across. The state, which has a massive meth problem, launched an advertising campaign last month designed to get the average citizen to start caring about the problem and start doing something about it. You know how when somebody asks you to do a task and instead of saying “Ok,” you say, “I’m on it.” Yeah, well, for the nice people of South Dakota who are going to tackle the meth problem, they’re on it. That’s like a state deciding they’re going to tackle porn addiction and using the slogan, “Let’s examine pornography” or sex addiction and saying, “Sex Addiction, let’s do it.”

 

It often flies under the radar, but I added an amazing link to pornography addiction resources for both the addict and the partner on the Resources page on this site. I hope if you get a chance, after purchasing my book, you check it out. I feel like I’ll never have to update that page again, it’s so comprehensive. https://amzn.to/2qvxVbm

 

I was watching a documentary last night and I felt tears welling up in my eyes. It dawned on me that it was the first time I was getting emotional about something in a long, long time. I know that I had my recent bout of mild mania that I think has settled, but it made me realize that before I got into recovery, and even through the first couple years of recovery, while I was waiting to find out my legal fate, I got emotional very easily. I think this shows some level of getting better, but crying is a fantastic way to get stuff out of my system. I’ll have to engage it more often. The only sure-fire way I know of making myself cry is listening to this song: Click Here I’m not even going to tell you it’s cultural significance and thankfully, if you’re under 40 you probably have no idea. If you like it, that’s the standard version…here’s one that really gets me: Click Here

 

My website numbers are off the charts lately. I don’t know if posting daily has made that much of a difference or if there are now more bots visiting or if it’s just a series of a lot of little things happening, but 9 of the top 10 days for views and 10 of the top 10 days for visitors have happened in the last 45 days. Thank you all for sticking with me. Now go buy my book…please. https://amzn.to/2qvxVbm

 

 

Guest Post: Meet Tony Overbay, My Co-Author of ‘He’s a Porn Addict, Now What?’

Note from Josh: I’ve talked a lot about the new book I’ve co-written, but not too much about my fellow author, Tony Overbay, LMFT. He’s a great guy who is hilarious, and as we’ve built our friendship, has made himself very vulnerable over the foreign process of writing a book. While this is only the second book I’ve written that has my real name on it, I’ve either written nearly 20 books under pseudonyms or ghostwritten them for other people, so I forget what a scary experience it can be for a rookie. Tony’s got a great personal story and earlier this week wrote this entry on his Facebook page. I think if you read it, you’ll see why I wanted to work with him. Also, we recorded a new episode of his podcast on Thursday that will debut on Monday and I will post it to this site.

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Over 15 years ago I started thinking about changing careers. I was writing a humor column for my local newspaper and many of my articles had to do with becoming a new father. I loved being a father and that was when I first felt the “call” to want to help other men become good fathers as well. I wrote more about being a new father and eventually I put together enough chapters that I thought I could turn it into a book. That was one of the first times I also felt the pangs of “Impostor Syndrome,” meaning I couldn’t get past “why would anyone want to listen to me, who am I to write a book? I don’t have any credentials.”

I eventually headed back to school in the evenings, with four small kids, a day job and an incredibly supportive wife. I wanted to study counseling, but initially, I thought having a master’s degree in counseling would be enough, and I would write, and help men become better husbands and fathers. I didn’t anticipate seeing clients.

During the course of getting my masters in counseling, I had to do a practicum, aka fieldwork. I had to start seeing clients at a non-profit clinic. That was when I first realized that this career was more than just wanting letters behind my name in hopes of selling a funny book or two, it was truly about following a call, it was about helping others. I had found my passion, my purpose, and my desire to help grew.

When I first started seeing clients out of school, I learned that men weren’t typically seeking therapy, so I found myself working with a population that was coming in to see me because they were in danger of losing their marriages, or careers, to addiction, in particular men who were struggling with compulsive sexual behavior, typically acted out through repeated, and continual viewing of pornography, even when they had tried to stop many, many times.

I learned so much about addiction, compulsive behaviors, and I knew many of the ways to truly help with both the behavioral and the mental (cognitive) aspects of turning to pornography as a coping mechanism or acting out sexually to fill a void. That work led me to the creation of The Path Back, an online pornography recovery program that has helped many, many people break free from the chains of compulsive sexual behavior.

I started The Virtual Couch podcast a couple of years ago as a way to share a lot of what I was learning as a therapist, but also as a way to promote The Path Back recovery program, and the podcast began to grow like nothing I ever anticipated. That growth led me to the opportunity to interview more and more interesting people who had overcome a lot in their lives. One of those interviews was with a former politician, magazine editor and film festival organizer, and pornography addict, Joshua Shea. You can hear Josh’s story in his episode on The Virtual Couch, but after doing 70 or more podcasts and radio interviews for his first book The Addiction Nobody Will Talk About, Josh approached me with the concept of another book, “He’s a Porn Addict…Now What? An Expert and a Former Addict Answer Your Questions” (Click Here to See the Amazon page for the book) and I was immediately honored, and I was in! We would answer questions from real people about pornography addiction, and we would both answer them without knowing what the other had written. What we now have is a book that is receiving incredibly positive reviews from the professional community, a community that can be quite harsh with concepts or ideas that don’t bear fruit. It is overwhelming, humbling and motivating all at once.

I now have the letters after my name, and over a decade now of one-on-one experience with over 1,000 men and women who have struggled to overcome turning to pornography or other compulsive sexual behaviors as a coping mechanism. I know it can be done, but I also know it takes time to believe that it can be done. I am confident that this book will help expedite this process significantly, whether you are the addict, the betrayed or someone who loves, counsels or works with someone struggling with this challenge.

So while this isn’t the humorous first-time dad book that talks about blowing out diapers in public or having to give up Oreo shakes for a year thanks to my wife getting sick on them during pregnancy, I am extremely proud of this book and I hope that it can positively change lives. Sometimes I still can’t believe that I changed careers when I did, I still don’t see myself as “that guy,” but I now can’t imagine what my life would be like had I not followed a bit of a calling, and truly decided that I needed to love what I did, and do something that hopefully can and will impact lives for the better.