Q&A Time: Did My Porn Addiction Cause My Daughter to Become a Cam Girl?

Warning: This Q&A could possibly cause a trigger to a recovering addict, especially if they enjoyed cam sites. 

QUESTION I’m a porn addict, I admit it. I’m trying to control it but after 30 years, I’ve kind of just come to live with it. Some days are better than others. This is a strange question, but I have no idea where else to ask. I discovered that my 23-year-old daughter is doing webcam shows, and yes I discovered it the worst way possible by stumbling upon it. She has a lot of followers so I think she has been doing it for a long time. Do I tell her I know she’s doing this? Do you think she’s doing this because of my porn addiction?

ANSWER This is by far the most out-of-the-box question I’ve ever had. I’m not even sure it really has to do with porn addiction, but it stuck with me since it came as part of a longer email. There’s a lot to unpack here, so let’s take it a step at a time.

If nothing else ever changes about this situation, the first thing to do is NEVER to go back to that website. Obviously, try to quit porn. If you know this site, you know I’m going to tell you to see a therapist. You may want to see a therapist because of this situation anyway. If you need cam sites, you can find webcams elsewhere. I’m hoping you saw her and quickly clicked away. Do not go back to that site. If you feel a pull to that site and to God forbid, watch your daughter, you need to get help immediately, regardless of whatever she’s doing. Something beyond porn addiction is happening at that point, but hopefully that’s not the case.

Jumping to your last question, it’s impossible for me to say if she’s doing this because of anything that happened in your home. You don’t mention if she still lives with you and is doing these broadcasts from your home, nor do you mention anything about her upbringing. Anecdotally, I’ve heard first-person stories of a lot of women who became porn stars, or even just Playboy centerfolds, talk about those kinds of magazines being around the house when they were young and finding the women beautiful. I wonder if they really found them beautiful or they were reacting to their fathers finding those women beautiful. Either way, we now know that exposure to pornography sexualizes a child at a young age and for a brain that is still in the formative years of development, it can certainly create sexual attitudes unlike their peers.

As for telling her, what’s the goal? Shame her into stopping? As the father of a 20-year-old woman/little girl, I certainly wouldn’t want her getting naked and performing for people on camera, but I would fear that telling her that I know she’s doing it would cause a rift that may never be fixed. I know after telling her the next question would be, “And how do you know?” Do you want to answer that question?

The other reality is that if she’s living on her own, supporting herself, there’s probably almost no leverage you have to make her stop. Legally, she’s an adult. She can make her own choices. It sounds like you don’t know exactly why she’s doing this. Realistically, there are women who strip to put themselves through med school and there are women who strip because they are hypersexual and have legitimate issues. I can’t tell you which side of that pendulum she swings toward.

I think I’d casually offer to pay for her to get therapy by saying something like, “I was reading that a lot of parents are paying for their kids to be in therapy in their early 20s because making the transition to adulthood is tougher than ever. I wish I would have had a therapist when I was young. I’d be happy to pay for you to have someone to talk to if that ever interests you.”

And, then, you hope that they talk about the cam stuff, because I really don’t think you’re in a position to say anything.

I’ve got to admit, this is the one of the toughest questions I’ve ever had to answer…does anybody else have good ideas for this guy?

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If you liked this Q&A, check out the others HERE

You can check out my Resources page if you need a place to start getting help. Click HERE

If you’d like somebody to talk to who has been there about porn addiction, be it yours or someone you love, but aren’t ready to make the leap to get help from the medical community, I can be a great resource. For more information, click HERE

DISCLAIMER: I have no formal training in counseling or medicine. My advice comes from experience as an addict and as someone in recovery for over four years. Please take my words only as suggestions and before doing anything drastic, always consult with a professional. If you’d like me to answer a question publicly, either post it in the comment section or visit the contact page. Questions may be edited for brevity and clarity.

Question for the Ladies with Sex or Porn Addicted Partners…

As many of you were the early inspiration for my new book that will be coming out soon, I have a question that I was asked on a podcast that I recorded yesterday. I’ve got a lot of other podcasts coming up to promote the book and I’m guessing I’ll get this question again, so if you want to lend any expertise or opinions, I’d love to hear them. Feel free to share the question with any ladies who may not subscribe to my site but are in similar circumstances.

We talked about how the addiction is never the woman’s fault and how the husband/boyfriend usually comes to the relationship with the addiction, even if it’s dormant at the time. We also talked about how many women want to give it a go and see if he can get help because they don’t believe on quitting a marriage, don’t want to see their family pulled apart or want to reconnect with the man they fell in love with.

This led to a really good question:

“If the guy came to the relationship with these problems, whether they were dormant or he was just gaslighting from the beginning, how can the woman say she wants to reconnect with the man she fell in love with if that guy already was an addict and potentially already a liar?”

I had no answer. And if you know me at all, you know I like to have all the answers 🙂

Help?

 

 

Q&A Time: He Promised He’d Stop Looking at Porn, But Didn’t. Now What?

QUESTION: I confronted him in the past about looking at pornography on the computer and he said he’d stop, but he didn’t. What now?

ANSWER: What incentive he had to change in the past and what incentive does he have now? If you don’t have boundaries, or don’t follow through on your ultimatums, there is no incentive for him to listen to you other than he knows it’s easier to just listen and nod, then go do what he wants.

Probably about three years before the police ever got involved in my life, prior to entering the critical phase of my addiction, my wife stumbled upon my browser history after a particular session of looking at porn. She said something to the effect of, “Do you really spend this much time looking at porn?” I don’t remember the exact wording, but the message I got was that I shouldn’t be as involved with porn as I knew I was.

But that was the end of it. I don’t know if she was asking me to change, or just making an observation, but it went in one ear at out the other because there was no incentive for me to reduce my viewing.

By the time my viewing reached a critical point, there was nothing she could have said or done to stop me. You need to nip this in the bud before he ever gets to that place.

This question sounds a little bit like a cop-out or throwing up your hands, if I’m being honest. You seem to not think the situation can be fixed because of previous history, so why bother trying again? If you value your relationship and want it fixed, shouldn’t you try again and again until you reach the conclusion it’s hopeless? Once you deem it hopeless, you can either stay and brace yourself, or you can leave the relationship, but until then, you try, try, try.

If he says he’ll change again, hold him to it. Find out how he’s going to change. Is he going to see a therapist? Is he going to give you access to his computer? What are the ways that life will be different after you have this conversation? If he says “You can look at my email” then look at his email.

If he says he can’t change, offer to help find him the recovery tools he needs to begin. If he says he won’t change, then you’re back at bracing yourself or leaving.

The kind of change you’re looking for involves seeing a therapist to get at the root of the addiction and if you can be there to help him in a positive, constructive manner, this time you may see the change that you didn’t before.

 

If you liked this Q&A, check out the others HERE

You can check out my Resources page if you need a place to start getting help. Click HERE

If you’d like somebody to talk to who has been there about porn addiction, be it yours or someone you love, but aren’t ready to make the leap to get help from the medical community, I can be a great resource. For more information, click HERE

DISCLAIMER: While many call me a pornography addiction expert, I have no formal training in counseling or medicine. My advice comes from experience as an addict and as someone in recovery for over four years. Please take my words only as suggestions and before doing anything drastic, always consult with a professional. If you’d like me to answer a question publicly, either post it in the comment section or visit the contact page. Questions may be edited for brevity and clarity.