Guest Post: Larry Yff talks drug & porn addiction, labels and Christianity saving him

Note from Josh: I’ve been on Larry Yff’s podcast “White, Confused, Black and Christian” a couple times now and we get along very well. I hope you’ll visit the interviews page and check some of the out. Larry wrote a great first-person article about being a Christian addict that he was nice enough to let me share with all of you here today. It’s long, but it’s worth it.

I type a very specific type of intercourse in my Google search.  The anticipation of what my eyes will see next excites me to the point where nothing else matters.  Not time.  Not space.  Not responsibility.  The endless parade of females with short skirts, small bikinis and tight jeans from every culture and age will flash before my eyes.  It’s easy.  When I get bored of one female, my eyes follow pictures on the side of the screen that show more females with sexxxy outfits who are just waiting for me to click on their video so they can sell me a dream.  The stage is set and the show is about to begin and I’m with one of the twins:  powder cocaine or crack cocaine.  Either fellow attendee will do.  And when we all get together, three is never a crowd.    

Hi.  My name is Larry and I am a man.  To be more specific, I am a man who is battling with addictions. If you want me to go a little further, I could say I am a man who loves God that is battling with addictions.  What I no longer am is an addict.  I am a typical person who wants respect and love.  

There are a couple of things I said that need to be looked into further if you want to know what I believe true love and respect are.  The points you need to catch are these:

1.     I am a man, not an addict and;

2.     I love God

The first point is very important.  Allowing any label to stick on you other than the label of “human being” will not let you find love, be loved or give love.  By saying “I am an addict” means that your existence is now not human.  You are now an addict.

When you say you are an addict you are training your brain to accept the fact that you are sub-human. You are programming your brain to believe this thing has you beat and now it owns you.  You are now an addict and an addict is a person who is a slave to something that he or she is having a problem with.

The thing about having a slave mentality is a tricky one.  If you can convince a person, by force or by reason, that he or she is under the rule of a master, you will not need to beat that concept into anyone or provide facts for your rationale ever again.  A person becomes whatever the mind says he is.

Now you have a basic understanding of why I call myself a man and not an addict; so we begin to tie my love of God into this whole scenario.  In order to accomplish this goal, we have to get back to the cocaine and flicks (flicks is a softer, less aggressive, deflective term instead of saying pornographic movies).  

Cocaine to me meant sexual activity.  There is a natural chemical in your brain called dopamine that is released in the body when you eat certain foods or are involved in certain activities.  Sexual activity is one of them.  Sex in all its forms gives you a rush that is unmatched in the realm of man-made substances.  

Sex, and it doesn’t even have to be “good sex”, will make an atheist say “Oh God!”  The mere thought of a sexual experience is enough to make a man pay a female hundreds of dollars in a strip club.  Pornography, escort services, prostitution, strip clubs and the sex slave traffic generate more money each year than the NFL, MLB and the NBA combined grossing more than $80 billion a year.

If you break this number down, you will find me on the list of contributors to that $80 billion in sales.  At this point I would like to point out that there is no need to get into full disclosure of these activities on my part because that would just sidetrack us from the point I was getting at… LOL …now where was I???  Sex.  I love sex.  My problem with sex that fueled my addiction to cocaine was directly tied into the sexual choices I was making in my life.  

I had my oldest son when I was 19 years old.  As of the time of this writing I have 6 kids by 6 different women.  After my first child and relationship didn’t work, I didn’t feel like a man or a dad.  I was a horrible example of both. Even though I was the one who didn’t make the wisest choices, I began to have a pity party and felt like nobody would want to be in a relationship with me.  That’s when I began to settle for a fantasy sex life.  Cocaine numbed the inner pain and gave me that substitute rush of natural dopamine and the side effects of depression, chemical imbalance, shame and guilt.

As a man I still wanted to have a family and I continued to get into relationships and try and start one and would self-sabotage them with my feelings of inadequacy.  Even though I loved the family concept, I allowed negative thoughts to convince me I didn’t deserve a family and in turn it made me revert back to nights of cocaine use to get that “good feeling from porn/sex”.  

The crazy thing about what I was doing is the deeper I got into my addictions the less I was positioning myself as a good man and dad and the broken families and relationships naturally followed.  My views on sex were being played out like the pornos and strippers I watched:  My eyes were searching everywhere, all the time, for another female.  After the buffet of skirts and short-shorts I was used to looking at in strip clubs and pornos, having eyes for one female didn’t appeal to me.  I had trained my brain to constantly search for the next big butt and a smile and my fantasy sex life slowly began to take over and became my sexual reality.    

I began to focus on labels.  And I’m not talking about Polo or Phat Farm.  The labels I wore were “drug addict”, “porn/sex addict”, “violent”, “felon”, “dead-beat dad” and on and on.  I had tried them all on before and even though the fit was custom-tailored, I tried my best to act like they were too tight or too loose…anything but a good fit.  I finally gave in to the advice of some family and friends and began going to meetings.  

The meetings I started going to were the AA (Alcoholic Anonymous) meetings because these were most common and plus you can legally buy alcohol and you could get drunk at bars, clubs and parties and confess that you have a problem and it will be taken fairly lightly.   

When people heard I had to go to NA meetings (Narcotics Anonymous) they looked at me in a different light and wondered what drugs I was on and if I was going to rob them so I could get high.  At these meetings, both AA and NA, you sit in a circle and introduce yourself.  The standard introduction is “Hi. I’m Larry and I’m a drug addict (or an alcoholic)” and everyone says “Hi Larry.”  To me, they were confirming and accepting me as a drug addict.  I hated it and it made me feel depressed but I wasn’t sure why.  

I was a drug addict and a sex/porn addict by definition and action and when I would tell people I was not an addict, they would get mad at me or call me stupid and say I was in denial.  What I was trying to convey was every time I wore the “addict label” it drained the humanity out of me.  The inhumane feeling of any type of addiction is hard; but for me there was nothing that compared to having to admit to being addicted to porn/sex.

Being addicted to alcohol and opening up means you tell everyone you drank to the point where you lost your job; which was understandable because alcohol is a legally sold substance and thus addiction legally and allowably comes with alcoholism.  Being addicted to drugs and opening up is a little more risky because drugs in general and drug use are both illegal and you are charged criminally for both; basically you are admitting that you participate in and are addicted to illegal and criminal activity.  Nothing compared to admitting a porn/sex addiction.  That’s a no-no and the big kahuna of addictions.  

Being addicted to porn/sex and opening up means you have to admit that certain sex acts society thinks should be illegal, sex acts that are literally illegal and sex activity that should never be an issue in the mind of a good man, husband or father excite you on some deep, dark level.  

Keeping to the Christian code though, if I am not going to let any type of addiction hold me back from enjoying life the way Jesus came to show us is possible…I had to confess it, get over it and get on with it (life).  Try and tell people you love Jesus, you are excited and believe in the business plans and visions God has given you…and you get turned on by pretty risqué porn/sex activity (unthinkable by Christian standards for sure), you don’t mind resorting to violence if and when you have to or admitting you are addicted to illegal drugs.  Now try opening up and confessing to all three like I had to do.  

Let me tell you the relief I felt once I did!!!  Man!!!  Once I did, my love and understanding of God’s love and His guidance through Bible verses telling believers to “openly confess your sins to one another and help each other” and “be quick to confess your sins to God and repent and He will remove all traces of it” began to give me strength.  Coincidentally, this was also when the God thing for me kicked into high gear.  

I was in jail one time and as usual I asked for a Bible.  This time proved to be different.  As I was reading I began to feel happy.  Natural dopamine was being released into my body from a weird type of wave that would rush through me every time I discovered the lesson in a parable.

Then I began to come across stories that showed how people were faithful to God and obeyed His natural laws and I wanted that.  The stories were of people who had anger issues, sex issues, were very insecure and were family rejects that God selected to become world leaders.  “If they can do it why can’t I?” I began asking myself.

When I got out of jail I got back into my normal swing of things and would make money and spend it on getting high; shirking my family financial obligations.  But something was different.  The high wasn’t making me feel high anymore.  It was more of a nuisance and was irritating me.  The drug high began to feel like I was bumping my head over and over again and I began to ask the hard, but simple question of “How many times are you going to bump your head, Larry?  Are you gonna keep bumping it till it bust open and you get to see what’s at the center of the Tootsie Pop?”

I began to chase the high I had when I was reading the Bible.  I began to feel like there was more out there and I began to have thoughts about businesses.  I mean real estate development businesses that took over entire cities, a fashion house, hotel development and the list kept growing.

How am I going to get there was the next question.  I started admiring and reading about the Forbes magazine’s richest men on the planet and I watched documentaries about business tycoons.  Something about that felt shallow.  They all contributed their success to hard work, mentors or the values that their parents instilled in them.  Those stories angered me more than anything else because those success stories were built on concepts that I knew weren’t true for many Americans.

The United States was built on a political, social, economic and financial system that was designed to be prejudicial, unequal and unchanging.  The system here in America was stacked against certain groups of people.  This was the reality of life here in this country and maybe the whole world…or so I thought.  

What about all the kids who don’t know their parents?  Since they had no parents to instill values at a young age, does that mean they will miss out on financial success and happiness?  What about the people who grew up without access to business mentors and didn’t have neighbors who were financially stable?  Are they all doomed to a life of being less than because they miss several elements that are said to determine success?

The Bible stories of real life people began to appear on the screen in my brain.  They were ordinary people that decided to follow the natural laws of God and were able to feel a level of love that can’t be described.  They found success and purpose in life.  Some of them wrote songs about the rush of being loved by God.  There were stories of Kings, Queens and Killers who all found success in life by sticking to the laws of God as best as they could.

I now had to understand who this God was before I could commit myself fully because the Bible stated several times that you have to choose to follow only God.  If you choose to follow money or fame or a cute face or anything else, you won’t be able to enjoy life on a level that it was designed to be enjoyed.  Your view on God and life matters.

Going to the beginning was the only sensible option.  The book of Genesis is where I began to read.  The story of how God made the Earth seemed to make sense; but I had to break it down.  Did humans make the Earth?  Nope.  Did humans make the universe and all the galaxies?  Nope.  Does everything on this Earth have natural laws that are built specifically for life on Earth?  Yup.  

If the pull of gravity was a little stronger we wouldn’t be able to walk.  If the Earth was a little farther from the Sun it would freeze and life on Earth couldn’t exist.  If the ozone layer was not in place the air would be too toxic for us to breath.  If trees weren’t here to perform photosynthesis we would not be able to breath.  Plant life has natural remedies for our bodies.  If dirt and its’ minerals didn’t exist plant life would not exist and neither would life on this planet.  The human body needs water or it will die and if the Earth had no water…well, you know what I’m getting at.  The bottom line was there is proof in nature that a being or beings other than humans made this planet and the universe and it wasn’t by chance.

Now, with full acceptance of the story of man and creation as being true according to the Bible, I was confident in placing my belief in God.  This in turn led me to a deeper understanding of the three separate and unequal beings commonly referred to as the entity God:  Father, Son and Holy Spirit.  This in turn led me to understand that God had a wisdom and power that could not be explained.  Period. 

As I continued to read and study the Jesus story, I began to pay close attention.  Jesus is part of this entity called God and constantly talked about His love for His Father and all of His actions showed His loyalty to His Father.  I didn’t and don’t understand how He came from Heaven or where Heaven is or about angels and the devil…but I didn’t have to.  I saw proof of God and His intelligence and love that was unmatched anywhere on this planet yet seen everywhere in nature and I felt a yearning to be loved by Him and to somehow get as personal as I could with God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit.  

Jesus talked about a Kingdom.  He called it the Kingdom of God or the Kingdom of Heaven.   Most of His messages were about this mysterious Kingdom.  He said if we became citizens of this Kingdom, we would be under the rule of the powerful, wise entity called God.  He said He was going to heaven to see His Father and “anything we asked of Him, based on our belief and love in Him (Jesus), He would ask His Father for and it would be done.”  

I now wanted to find out what kind of ruler was God and what were His rules.  After observing the Laws of this Kingdom, I discovered they came to us naturally and understood how every human being has a value and a purpose.  The desire to love and be loved and to respect and be respected within some form of natural law and order is inside of us.  Here are some examples:

1.     Don’t do anything out of anger.  How many of us did or said things when we were mad and had negative results?  This makes perfect sense.

2.     Respect your parents.  Respect is something that is earned.  This means that parents need to put themselves in the position to receive respect by the child.  A parent doesn’t just get respect because he or she is a parent.  This makes perfect sense.

3.     Two men should not have sex with each other.  God created humans in a specific way for a specific purpose:  Life is created naturally by design when a man puts his seed into a woman and fertilizes her egg.  It’s simple and it makes sense.

4.     You reap what you sow.  Whatever you plant you get.  If you plant apple seeds you get an apple tree.  If you say negative things to your child your child will have a negative self-image.  If you acknowledge God He will acknowledge you.  If you are good with a little bit of money you will be good with lots of money.

5.     Your body is a temple where God lives.  Don’t mess up God’s house.  Don’t mess up your body.  It’s God’s house.  You respect everybody else’s house so you should respect God’s house the same way.

Being a part of this Kingdom sounded like a good thing and I was all in…

Follow the real life side of this story from the beginning:
“White, Confused, Black and Christian – the Autobiography of Larry A. Yff” (Explicit or Base Version)
Learn how to rule your world and enjoy life:  
“Kings, Queens and Killers:  Rules of Engagement”
Understand your purpose in life, gain spiritual wisdom and discover your value:
“Your View Matters:  Personal Development Plan” (Explicit or Base Version)

These books are part of the “Your View Matters” series written by Larry A. Yff and are available on Amazon HERE.

Check out Larry’s Podcast HERE

My First Online Pornography Addiction Education Course Geared Toward Partners is Now Available!!!

I am very psyched to say that after many weeks and probably nearly 100 hours of work, my first online pornography education course is available through Udemy.

It’s called “Pornography Addiction Education for Partners” and for the next THREE Days (Sept. 3 to Sept 6, 2020) it is available for FREE. After that, it goes to $19.99 to the general public, although if the free window is closed, contact me and I’ll give you a coupon to take $5 off and make it $14.99

That’s about 10 minutes at your therapist, ladies. I’m upfront in letting people know I don’t have all the answers, but based on the feedback to my bestselling book “He’s a Porn Addict, Now What?” this should provide a very inexpensive perspective, some basic science and the understanding of self-care among other important highlights.

The course features 10 modules, each with its own video and worksheet that can allow you to personalize the information from the last section and understand how it fits into your life.

For your FREE Trial, click HERE

Pornography Addiction may no longer be limited to the consumers in a world of OnlyFans

If you’re under 33 years old – or a regular reader of this website – you’re well aware of OnlyFans and the tentacle-like reach it has with the young adults of the English-speaking world. If you’re over 33 years old, and don’t read this website, odds are you’ve still never heard of the site. I don’t think in all of my time paying attention to social Internet trends I’ve ever seen such a black-and-white cut-off point, including early Facebook and Snapchat. There are no shades of gray when it comes to people knowing or not knowing about OnlyFans.

In a nutshell, OnlyFans is a bulletin-board style website where a user subscribes to a content creator’s page, usually between $5 and $30 per month. Once accessed, the page features photos and videos posted by the creator. The vast, vast, vast majority of these subscriber pages belong to young women making pornography in the comfort of their own home. They can make their content as tame or racy as they want. Creators also have the option to charge additional for “exclusive” photos or videos, and to charge for exchanging messages with users. While the corporate company obviously pushes the platform as a great place for indie musicians, artists and other people who have content to sell the world, it is currently synonymous in young adult culture with pornography.

My latest book (now available on Kindle) was a look at how the first few months of the COVID-19 virus radically changed the landscape of online pornography and how it was going to be the roughest challenge to pornography addiction stats that we’ve faced. I spoke with addicts who faltered in quarantine, those who were doing well, people who were veteran and rookie cam room models on well-established websites and several therapists and professionals. There was one chapter about OnlyFans, but I read it now and am embarrassed. I have learned so much in the four months since I wrote the book as that website has continued to explode. You should still buy the book anyway.

In the book, I focused on the millions of people who were flocking to the site to suddenly see the girl or guy next door get naked online. I knew there would be a bump in consumers, and with the stay-at-home mandate of the quarantine, there would be more people experimenting with making pornography. I had no idea, and would never have guessed, just how big it was going to get.

I think the grim reality of the explosion of the site is far more prominently displayed in the numbers of producers flocking to try the make-it-yourself porn industry. A couple of different sources, mostly notably The Sun newspaper in Britain (August 2020) have quoted 50 million users (up from 8 million in July 2019) it’s the statistics involving new pornography creators that are truly shocking.

In July 2019, OnlyFans CEO Tim Stokely was quoted giving that 8 million statistic. At the time he also shared there were 70,000 content creators. A couple of months earlier, in April 2019, he said that there were roughly 3,000 creators joining the site weekly. If you extrapolate that to when I’m writing this in last few days of August 2020, it means that according to his 2019 statistics, there should have been 174,000 creators by the end of that year. In 2020, up to this point, there should have been another 104,000.

By Stokely’s projections, there should currently be 288,000 content creators on OnlyFans. The Sun reported on August 20 that there were 660,000 creators worldwide (100k being British) and on August 26, Yahoo Money said there are 700,000 content creators. The numbers have been increasing at between double and triple the rates the CEO predicted…and you know he’s always going to present a rosy outlook.

I think The Sun and Yahoo Money statistics may even be under-reported. In April 2020, Stokely told Buzzfeed News that the site had 7,000 to 8,000 new creators every day (double their WEEKLY onboarding just 13 months earlier). That’s 49,000 to 56,000 people – almost exclusively woman in the 18-to-25 age group who have never made porn before – flocking to OnlyFans weekly. Can you imagine going from 3,000 to 50,000 weekly sign-ups in just 13 months?

In early May 2020, it was reported the total creator number was at 450,000. If 50,000 are joining every week on average, and the 450K number was thrown out 17 weeks before I write this, it is more than likely there have been 750,000 to 850,000 NEW content creators who have joined and we are sitting at a number of total content creators at somewhere between 1.2 and 1.3 million. Even if things have slowed down since that May 2020 quote, it’s hard to believe there are under a million total content creators.

Ask somebody in their early 20s if they know about OnlyFans. They’ll laugh and probably admit they know about it. Ask if they know anybody creating content. If they say no, they’re probably hiding somebody’s secret, or they don’t know the secrets of at least one friend. I asked my 21-year-old daughter who has some of the nicest, normal friends I’ve met (although there are probably some on the fringes she hasn’t introduced) and she said she knows three girls creating content, ranging from mostly bikini photos to hardcore pornography. All of them made over $2,000 in their first month, one made over $3,000 her first weekend.

The COVID-19 pandemic has created a new genre of pornography – “Hey, I Know that Person! Pornography” is now a real thing. I had a guy living across the hall from me at one of my attempts at college who got very excited when a former high school friend of his was featured in one of Playboy’s college girls editions back in 1996. He was disappointed when the photo was of her in a small bikini playing frisbee with a couple of friends. This guy would have patiently waited for OnlyFans for 25 years.

So who cares? Technically, in April 2019 there was one model for every 21 users on OnlyFans. Today, there is only 1 for every 50 users. Couldn’t an argument be made that demand is not keeping up with supply? From a strict economics point-of-view, perhaps, but from a public health standpoint, I think we’re looking at a new can of worms.

We can conservatively estimate that 10 million of OnlyFans’ 50 million users have some kind of issue, if not full-blown addiction with pornography. The skewing of younger users makes me feel very confident at putting a 20% figure on this assumption based on the data about addiction rates that have been out there for years. This many addicts is a scary, scary thought. The fact that probably 95% of them never had any warnings about developing a porn addiction before it happened is downright tragic. I feel their pain and it’s a big reason that I’m out there writing books, doing podcasts and spreading the word as much as I can. But this is not about them.

There are a lot of reasons people have been giving for decades about why others shouldn’t watch pornography and while they are almost always extremely valid, I’ve yet to see one that truly works. The reality is, the consumers of pornography don’t care if the performers are using drugs to get through a scene. They don’t care if the performers are being trafficked. They don’t care about statistics regarding feminism and objectification. Porn consumption figures would have dropped over the years if these were effective arguments. The figures have gone the other way. Addicted consumption or recreational, we’re looking at more porn than ever.

These arguments are also going to receive bigger blows to their impact because of the people who are joining OnlyFans. I have no idea how many people work in what’s remaining of the real California porn industry, but I know it’s been dropping mightily over the years. If I were to guess, there’s probably a couple thousand “professional” pornographers left who are the ones stacking the shelves with DVDs at the adult bookstore. They are an endangered species is our online DIY porn world of 2020.

The stereotype of the drug-addict, dead-behind-the-eyes kind of woman with daddy issues who becomes a professional porn star is quickly being replaced by the waitress, bartender or administrative assistant who is making porn as a side hustle. We’re now in the world of the gig economy and many people have 3-4 part-time/independent contractor jobs. It gets more difficult to lament the poor women who are basically forced into porn when you’ve got thousands willingly joining the ranks who are well-adjusted normal people from middle and upper class families every day.

Aside from the pandemic, how did this happen? From talking to a few people who have OnlyFans pages to better understand, I’ve come to a simple conclusion. The under 30 group, the ones that grew up with the Internet and a level of pornography access unimagined by previous generations simply don’t have the stigma attached to nudity and/or pornography of those who didn’t come of age online.

When I was in high school, there was no sexting. We didn’t have cell phones so nude pictures weren’t circulating. We didn’t have Instagram so you didn’t know what every girl or guy looked like in their skimpy beachwear. I graduated in 1994, not 1974. I’m only 44 years old now. The evolution of pornography access and attitudes has been at warp speed.

And now, I’m hearing all of the typical “What happens when those pictures resurface?” rhetoric directed at the content creators, but I wonder if that’s going to actually matter in 20 or 30 years. If hundreds of thousands of young adults joining the ranks of the make-it-at-home porn world becomes the norm, will it even be a taboo thing that somebody can find a picture of you without clothes out there in 2040?

No, I’m not worried about the photos resurfacing. I’m worried about what we don’t know, and my biggest question of the last few months is – if pornography consumption can become an addiction, could pornography creation? Is there going to be a segment of today’s 25-year-old OnlyFans creators who are still making the stuff at 45, or 55, because they can’t stop? When somebody is told they are beautiful and are given money, it’s just a business transaction for many creators – for others, it’s affirmation. Some of the cam girls I talked to in writing my last book talked about how great the money is, but how they feel like better people now because of the ego boost it has given them. How is that not just a shot of dopamine? I’m guessing the thinking goes something like: I want to be called beautiful. The people who call be beautiful have seen all of my content. I must make more, so I do. They call me beautiful and give me $10 each. Dopamine hit.

I always say that we have been mostly reactive to pornography addiction in the interviews I give and we need to be proactive. We now have 20-25 years of data of what Internet pornography consumption can do to a population and we’re just scratching the surface of learning the fallout. We have no data on pornography creation. It’s only really a few months old as a mainstream phenomenon.

And what about those who do stop? Could they develop PTSD, disassociation, depression or other mental health issues years or decades after they’re no longer making porn? Will we have a significant percentage of future generations walking around with regret and shame for what they did? Could this be a cause of future trauma? It seems likely…but we just don’t know.

I miss interacting with real people at libraries, schools or other places that I’ve given presentations about pornography addiction, but I’m seriously wondering if I now have to start throwing the idea out there that pornography addiction could potentially extend to the creators. I offer no judgment, shame or any negative feelings to anybody who consumes or produces pornography, but have we just simply discovered the other side to the porn addiction consumer coin?

I Opened Another Can of Worms with my Survey

I worked in media/journalism/publishing full time starting at the age of 17 and for 20 years had a wide audience reading whatever I wrote or enjoying products I created when I became a publisher. Even when I wrote something controversial, there was rarely a “kill the messenger” vibe unless I made a mistake.

I believe, especially later on, since I had a certain amount of influence through the media, people put up with me more than they would for somebody who had my personality and didn’t have tens of thousands of readers behind it. You’ll put up with somebody being an asshole, and you won’t talk bad about that asshole if that asshole is willing to write a three-page article in his magazine about you. It’s thousands of dollars in free advertising, so why not just deal with it?

The products I created and worked on, especially in the last decade of that life I had, were mostly non-confrontational and non-controversial. They say you can’t make everybody happy, but locally, people really loved the magazine, especially those who didn’t know me personally.

The first time that I dealt with a situation where you can’t make everybody happy, no matter who you are, was when I was elected to the local city council. It was a mostly miserable experience and I did not like being the one moderate among three liberals and three conservatives. It meant I was the tie-breaking vote. On the surface, that seemed to play to my control, power and ego issues, but it quickly got to me on a personal level. I wasn’t attacked much for my decisions, but I really grappled with my decisions hurting some people while helping others. Do you give the $1,000 grant to the abused women’s group or to the meals for seniors group — especially when both plead their case to you? It’s a no-win.

The magazine ended with my life imploding as my addictions went very public and having to recalibrate almost all of my life, both internally and externally. I had to get over the people not liking me thing quickly, because of the circumstances around my outing. I actually think it helped me grow as a person a lot. My natural tendency to try and get people to like my work, especially strangers, had to die for me to move forward as a person. Today, I really hope people like my books, this site and the other things I do, but if they don’t, I feel no stress over it.

Late last week, I launched a survey/poll looking for feedback about a TED Talk I’ll be giving later this year on the topic of porn addiction. I’m trying to figure out a baseline for the people listening and how to best present the speech. I posted it on this site, LinkedIn and a few Reddit forums. I figured now, four or five days later, I’d have 50 or 60 responses. Before I go to bed tonight, I think the number is going to hit 700 responses.

Between the sections of the survey that allow people to give open-ended answers or the ability to give feedback through LinkedIn and Reddit, I have probably had 150-200 comments/suggestions/criticisms/ compliments/insults/attacks/thanks/etc. as well.

Of course I appreciate the people wishing luck, wanting to see the talk online when it’s published and thanking me for doing it, there’s a lot of people who want to argue about the validity of pornography addiction, criticize the methodology of the survey, or attack me as a person.

I do appreciate some of the professional criticism as it allows me to consider things I didn’t, and perhaps should have, in creating the survey. It also allows me to defend why I made certain decisions with questions or options for answers. I’m the first to admit that no poll/survey is ever going to be an unbiased reflection of what it is purporting to be. The government can’t even get the census right, how am I going to do it with tough questions? I don’t know how pollsters determine what the margin of error is in what they do, but in most of my responses, there are clear first and second place finishers that haven’t changed since 30 people responded. But, even with the professional criticism, there’s often a tone of “I’m better than you” coming from doctors or professors who I am well aware know more about statistics and polls than I ever will. It’s somewhat off-putting and I have a feeling it may be close to the air of intellectual superiority I gave off back in the day (and I’m sure still slip into now and then.)

The haters are the haters. If they have a Reddit profile and you go digging, you’ll find one of three things: 1) They spend most of their time looking at pornography, 2) They are incels who hate women or 3) Have a lifestyle of sexual openness (swinging, BDSM, etc) that they have jumped to the conclusion I am trying to eradicate. There’s not much I can do about these people. Some are perfectly healthy, some are basket cases, but their sexual health or decisions are really not what I’m concerned with, but they can’t see beyond their world to recognize that.

No, the ones who are sticking with me are the addicts and the spouses of addicts, or the others who share their stories of how porn has negatively effected their life one way or another. Yeah, I’ve heard most of these stories before, but there are some new ones that really pull at the heartstrings, and I don’t think I’ve ever read so many in such a short period of time. Many have asked for help, have given email addresses so we can talk privately and I can tell have been hugely ignored. The idea of someone willing to talk about pornography is a big deal to them.

A lot of these people make suggestions about what I should talk about — as I asked them to do. But, like the Pussycat Dolls once sang about, you need to be careful for what you ask for because you just might get it. And yes, I know that quote is originally from an Edgar Allen Poe story.

I have 15 minutes to give this speech. I could have 15 hours and I’m not going to be able to tell the stories of these people, or hit upon points that they think are important to the presentation. I’m going to disappoint them by pointing out A, B, and C, but not talking about X, Y, or Z. I fear they’re going to believe their opinion and sharing did not matter to me if I’m not able to cater to them, but it’s super clear that most of the feedback I’m getting with not be catered to or come close.

I don’t like knowing that people will feel, at best, disappointed and at worst, betrayed. Yeah, a college professor can tear me a new one because I didn’t include “None of the Above” as an option of Question 2, but it’s the mother at the end of her rope because her 17-year-old daughter won’t stop looking at porn, refusing to get a job or have friends, that stick with me. It’s the 75-year-old guy who is still looking for a solution to his problem before “my time runs out” that I’ve been thinking about over the weekend, not the angry 20-something trying to tell me I’m worthless because “porn is healthy.”

Thank God I have some time to process all of this before I have to fully start committing.

And of course, if you want to take the survey and haven’t yet, you can find it here:

A Different Kind of Addiction We May Start to See on the Rise

When I started writing my latest book, the intention was to look at how recovering porn addicts were faring during the COVID-19 pandemic.

Between the mandatory stay-at-home orders most people in the world faced and pornography sites offering deals to new users, I assumed it would be a difficult time for many addicts, and my research showed it to be true.

I only decided to touch upon “cam site” models because in my research, I saw porn sites reaching out, trying to recruit new models who may have been displaced from their employment because of the pandemic. It makes sense on a couple of levels from a business point of view. First, it’s mostly young, good looking men and women who lost their service jobs and second, this generation doesn’t attach the stigma and shame to pornography that generations who came before them who were not raised on the Internet have attached.

I realized that most young people who are opting to go into porn aren’t doing it for the real companies, or any of these online cam sites. They are going into business for themselves on OnlyFans. If you need a primer about OnlyFans, you can read it here.

If you’re under 30, you know about the power of OnlyFans and you likely know a few people on it. If you’re over 30, you may not have ever heard of it, and don’t realize you know people on it. The numbers are just too major.

When I started researching my book, I looked at OnlyFans web statistics in the US and across the world for February 2020. That month, was the 626th most popular site in the world. By April 2020, it was 349. For June 2020, it was 260th most popular site in the world. In the US, it almost cracked the Top 100 most popular sites.

The site went from 26.52 million visits in February 2020 to 131 million in June 2020. That kind of growth during a time of such disruption and unrest is almost unheard of in this world. There are a lot more people looking at OnlyFans than ever before according to, which I’ve used for all my stats tracking. But that brings us to a new wrinkle I’m about to discuss. A lot of that traffic is actually the producers.

As of May 2020, OnlyFans has 24 million registered users and claims to have paid out $725 million to its 450,000 content creators.

Also in May 2020, after my book had already gone to the editing stage and I couldn’t continue writing, CEO Tim Stokely told BuzzFeed News “the site is seeing about 200,000 new users every 24 hours and 7,000 to 8,000 new creators joining every day.”

As I write this in mid-July 2020, let’s say Stokely is telling the truth and that 7,500 people became new creators each day in the last 60 days. That means that OnlyFans has doubled its content-creator base to 900,000. Even if they are only adding 3,000 people per day, and do it through the end of the year, there will be 975,000 content creators on OnlyFans by 2021. That’s a higher population than 7 states in the United States.

A couple weeks back I wrote about a conversation I had with a friend 20 years ago where I openly wondered what would happen to a generation raised on complete unencumbered access to the hardest hardcore of pornography. Well, here in 2020, we know, and the results I see are mostly negative.

I hadn’t recognized this as much when I was writing my book, but in talking to a few people who understand and use OnlyFans, I’ve learned a lot more about how the site operates since writing the book. It’s a fantastic business model for people who could never strip, model nude in front of a real photographer, have no issues sharing their bodies, or are looking for a few bucks and don’t view nudity as a problem. The models make their page as clean or as dirty as they want and post as much or as little as they want. While one subscribes, either for free or a monthly rate, the real money for the models comes when they offer “exclusive” content. There are people who will pay $25 for a photo if they know they’re the only one in the world with it. You sell 8 of those a day and you can see how it would add up. If you have no stigma toward porn and don’t care who sees you naked, you can see how this is a seductive business to get into.

In writing my book, almost every therapist pushed the “you don’t know if you’re going to regret this” angle when it comes to young adults making pornography of themselves. I have reached the conclusion that while I’m sure it will for some, I don’t think that this current generation of 18-to-30 year olds are actually going to regret this. They grew up in a very different world from those of us who are a little older, and a hugely different world than my parents…and a different planet than my now-dead grandparents.

Here’s a case in point. In my grandmother’s day, it was somewhat scandalous to be caught in a two-piece bathing suit. Now, unless you’re over 40, have a bad body, or have body issues, it’s basically expected you’ll be in a bikini. There’s also a good chance your ass will be hanging out. While those from my grandparents’ generation may have worried a picture of them in a bikini would get out, that worry disappeared over the next few generations. Even if they’ve long stopped wearing bikinis, I’m guessing there are very few women under 65 who are worried about any bikini photos that may exist in the world.

Isn’t it plausible that among a growing section of 18-to-30 year olds that there is no shame nor embarrassment in letting themselves be seen nude and/or in sexual scenarios? People say things live on the Internet forever, but if between now and 2040 there are 100 million men and women who get naked on the Internet, is it really that big a deal? I think on our current course, this is where we are headed. Our societal views toward nudity and sex will continue to grow more liberal and less critical. That’s why I don’t think the “you’ll regret this later” argument falters. I’ve got 11 tattoos. I have not spent one minute of one day being regretful for any of them, despite being warned by dozens of people. I don’t anticipate it either. I like my tattoos. I’m proud of them. They tell a lot of my story and if you think they make me dirty or trashy or the wrong kind of person, I stopped caring about the naysayers as part of my recovery.

Now, before you think I’ve turned to the pro-porn dark side, I haven’t. I’m not pro or anti-porn when it comes to telling you what to do with your life. I’m pro-education. People who are viewing pornography need to know the potential side effects and fact it could lead to addiction. I’ve been arguing this since I started this crusade.

I have a new worry though, on the porn-producing side. There are many reasons beyond just money that people use their body to make money. If we are looking at a world that has millions of people producing their own porn through OnlyFans and what I’m sure will be 101 knock-off sites, could we possibly be seeing a world where people get addicted to MAKING porn?

It’s a fine line between making porn and consuming it. There aren’t really much beyond anecdotal stories of people who have made porn out there, and usually it’s either a big studio porn star talking about how empowering it is or a former big studio porn star talking about how dreadful the whole experience was. We just don’t have any studies of longterm effects of making pornography and what that has on a large group of people.

I’m not saying that people will become addicted to making porn, but beyond the murky “you may regret this” argument that doesn’t work, is there a “we have no idea what this will do to your mental health” component that should be talked about now, before this gets out of hand? If we’d talked about how to educate about porn back in 1996, we certainly wouldn’t see the addict numbers we see today. I will always wonder if I had been taught the potential ills of pornography, how would my life have been different. Do we now need to teach 15-17 year olds, especially girls, that they should think long and hard about getting into making their own porn when they become legal adults because we just don’t know what’s going to happen?

I often cite statistics and talk about a society in 2040 or 2050 where nearly half the popular has an issue with pornography, which could theoretically happen looking at shifting statistics. What does our world look like where not only 45% of the population is addicted to looking at pornography, what happens when 15% of the population is addicted to making it?

These are questions we need to ask now and the answers have to be part of strategies we build to address the issue now, not when my yet-to-be-born grandchildren are debating the finer points of how to post pictures of their ass online.