Getting Trivial Things Off Of My Chest – December Edition

I have a feeling the next week-and-a-half is going to be busy and with a packed schedule comes a lack of maintaining this blog. I can directly trace my busiest times of the year with how many (or how few) blog postings I’ve made. So, this might be it for 2018 unless I toss up a Q&A.

At one point earlier this year, I would have made sure to have at least two more entries. I followed my statistics much closer then. I don’t think that’s the best reason for writing a blog. As I’ve mentioned before, I know a blog with the term “porn” in the title will scare away some people and many computer filters don’t let people get to my site because of the topic of the content. It’s ironic the very people who could use this site are the ones being denied by clunky content filters.

It reminds me of back in like 1996, when the newspaper I was working at just got the Internet. The IT guy (yeah, I’m looking at you Ray) who had your typical Napoleon Complex that comes with a lot of these guys who were picked last in gym, installed a hardcore filtering system. I once did a story on a woman who survived breast cancer and tried to get some statistics, but couldn’t look it up because the word “breast” was in the search.

Anyway, earlier this year I justified that following stats was important because the higher the numbers I had, the more people I was helping. In reality, I think it also gave me a bit of an adrenaline rush to see such high numbers. I mentioned this to my therapist once and she is often of the opinion, “If you’re not hurting anyone or yourself, does it matter?” I understand this philosophy, but think part of my illness through most of my life was the constant attention I was seeking from strangers. While a much lesser example, I still think checking my stats three times a day was more indicative of a popularity contest than a completely altruistic mission to help people.

I’m sure that when the new book comes out sometime next year (my guess is late spring at this point, but these things seem to have a way of getting delayed) I’ll be on here shilling it almost daily, but I’ve decided to not live by a posting schedule in 2019. There’s a lot of good material I’ve written and I hope people search it out if they need help. I’m just not going to be a slave to posting in hopes it pays off in ego points.

 

Speaking of ego points, if any of you have ever thought of publishing a book, be wary of those “publishers” who try to play to your ego and are in it to make money off of you. Now, we can argue the word “legitimate” when I say “legitimate publishers” but to me, that means a publisher who tries to make money off the book, not the book’s author.

Despite a recent spat, the publisher of my first book NEVER asked how many copies I was going to buy, nor made that contingent upon publishing.

The new book is getting interest from a handful of publishers. One of them asked if they could send a contract. I said OK because I want to see as many potential deals as possible. I won’t mention the name of the company here, but after an exchange of several emails and a nice telephone conversation, their deal came in the mail the other day.

While I had a couple problems with the deal, the real red flags went off when I got to the section of the contract that stated we had to purchase 500 books as part of the initial deal at right around $9 each.

No legitimate publisher is ever going to ask you to purchase your book. In fact, much like the other offer we’re currently considering, they should offer you at least 10 free copies of your book.

For the $4,500 that new publisher wants us to spend, we could self-publish and get far more than 500 copies. We said thank you, but no thank you.

I understand the urge to not self-publish – I don’t want to do it – but if the only publishers interested in your work want a large paycheck with it, that’s not somebody you want to do business with. If your book is that good, they’ll get behind it and have some skin in the game to make it a success.

 

Before I wrap this up, I just want to take the opportunity to thank those of you who rode with me the entire year and those who just jumped on board in recent weeks. While I try to keep this kind of stuff in perspective, I appreciate when you hit the like button, share a blog I’ve written on Facebook or share your comments. The reality is, we need to talk about pornography use and pornography addiction before we can, as a society, tackle the problem. I share statistics all the time that indicate the problem is getting worse, not better. Those of us willing to face it (even by just passively reading what I present shows you’re interested in the conversation, which is far more engaged than the vast majority of society) are still in the minority, but hopefully if we can continue to not judge, and maintain a safe space for addicts to come forward, we can begin to put some small dents in the problem.

Once again, thank you. I value each and every one of you.

What I Wish I Knew Before I Wrote My First Book

As many of you who read this site regularly know, I have been working on a second book for much of this year. It’s a self-help book written with an LMFT from California that is geared toward the female partner of a male pornography addict.

While the last part of the book is still being edited for clarity and content, I have begun the arduous task of finding a publisher. There are a lot of lessons I learned the first time around and am being reminded of as I look for someone to put their company behind the book. If you’re reading this, there’s about an 80% chance that you’ve got a blog of your own, and I would bet there’s just as equal a chance you’ve considered writing a book.

Here are the three main things I wish people told me before I started the first time:

It’s a very impersonal process – Despite the fact many agents and publishers specifically say, “We will get back to you within 12 weeks, if we don’t, it means we’re not interested” it is still a bit of a blow to the ego when it’s not even formally rejected. When they are kind enough to send a letter of rejection, 9 out of 10 times, it’s a form letter.

With a memoir, like my first book, it felt like a rejection of my personal story. It was as if my tale of redemption was not important. The most grueling, yet transformative part of my life – easily the part of my life that deserved a book – didn’t deserve most publishers’ attention

The truth is, publishing houses will get hundreds, if not thousands, of queries every year. Let’s say a publisher gets 1,000 queries per year. They may ask to see 150 manuscripts and of those manuscripts, they may only print 20. When you boil that down to real numbers, that means only 2% of the original queries become a book. Those are mighty odds no matter what your story is about.

It’s a very long process – Aside from the fact it took 8-10 months to write and edit the book to a point I was happy to share it, I started looking for a publisher in May 2017. It wasn’t until August that I found the right one. I had a few nibbles of interest here and there, but people either wanted me to change the language to make it more salacious or were trying to get me to front the money to publish the book to be my “partner.”

We originally planned for the book to come out in October 2017, but when I wanted to give it another hard edit to eliminate a few thousand more words to make it tighter, it was pushed to early January 2018.

Aside from the initial burst of sales in the first 10 days, it took about six weeks for the book to gain traction. My best selling months were actually April and May. I didn’t see my first royalty check until July. My guess is if you figured out the dollars and cents, I probably made 40 cents per hour.

You will be doing the marketing – Unless you’re with a mammoth publisher that makes up one of the big five, you’re working with a smaller publisher that may help with marketing, but you’ll have to carry most of the load. This website was started to help market the book – although it grew into something bigger. I spent many hours just as the book came out searching for people to review it (very few people review non-fiction) and for podcasts to appear on. Thankfully, over time the podcasts and radio shows started reaching out to me.

I know that a lot of people make the Field of Dreams-inspired mistake of “If you write it, they will come.” That’s not true. You have to drag them to it, give away free copies and hope they read it and tell others. If you don’t have it in you to spend dozens of hours promoting your book, don’t expect much in the terms of sales.

Also understand that many media outlets are not interested in promoting a book that is self-published. While there are many fine self-published titles, the fact is, a self-published book doesn’t go through the same vetting process as one that has a commercial publisher.

And, much like with finding a publisher or agent, most of the time your queries to media outlets will go unanswered or rejected with a form letter.

It’s a small miracle any book gets a legitimate publisher to stand behind it. I’m hoping that this second go-round is a little easier, but at least I know what I’m up against. If you are thinking of writing a book, good luck. It’s one of the most satisfying experiences I’ve ever had.

 

 

This is Not How I Thought It Would Feel

Most of you are probably sick to death of me mentioning my book, but I wanted to comment on the conflicting feelings, both emotional and physical, its release is causing me. On a completely objective level, as someone fascinated by human behavior, it’s been interesting to experience. On a personal level, it’s a roller coaster I can’t say I’m enjoying.

For those who are new to my story, my book, The Addiction Nobody Will Talk About: How I Let My Pornography Addiction Hurt People and Destroy Relationships was released January 10. Buy a copy for every day of the week!

So, I’ve been told 95% of the books produced today are self-published. It’s great that this is possible as it gets so much more knowledge and experience into the world. It also keeps the book alive in the age of the Internet. But, there are many writers, editors and executives in the publishing industry who believe self-publishing comes with a certain stigma. This stigma is why I looked for 4 months before I found a publisher who would tell my story the way I wanted. I could have self-published much earlier.

Of the 5% of books that are actually published, only about 10% of those ever see a shelf in a bookstore. Unfortunately, the book store – like encyclopedias, travel agents, newspapers and stationery stores – are dying in our increasingly digital world. This means only about 1 out of 200 books ever sees a shelf in any bookstore.

Today, I found out my book is going to be in at least one store. By the end of the week, I’ll likely have more. It’s surreal…and utterly nauseating.

Yesterday, I finally received my author’s copies of the books. I won’t explain why there was a mix-up, but there are people who ordered the book on Amazon who got it before I ever had an actual copy of my book. Now, I sit here, with several copies next to me. The thing that I poured 18 months of my life into is here…and it’s real. It’s not just on a screen. I’m vulnerable in a way I’ve never known. The closest feeling is when you wake up from that dream where you’re naked walking around high school.

Over the last 10 days, I’ve been doing a lot of media for the book, much of which hasn’t yet been released, and that’s going to continue for a while. It feels like there are two people being interviewed. There’s the guy who has the story in the book about his descent to rock bottom and implosion of his life with porn addiction being the central theme and then there’s the guy who can rattle off statistics and provide factual information and resources about the addiction. That first guy wants to vomit when people are asking hard questions about what he went through. The second guy is cool, calm and collected.

There’s also the proximity to where I’m doing interviews. Yesterday morning, I did a call-in interview with a radio show in Napa Valley, California. I think that’s roughly 3,000 miles away. When it was over, I moved on with my day. When my hometown newspaper did a short article and the largest TV news station in Maine did a story, my stomach was in knots, especially immediately before the stories were released. Thankfully, I was happy with the way both turned out.

I follow the Amazon Best Seller Rank listings like it’s the stock market. Am I up? Am I down. One hour I’m listed worldwide at 73,492 and the next it’s 240,314. Oh, no! I’m dropping. Then the next hour it’s up to 111,845…we’re gaining again! Then there are all the sub-categories. For the last week, I’ve consistently been the third best-selling new sexual recovery book. That’s a very specific audience…but can I officially say it’s a “best seller”?

I don’t know how to regulate my feelings, be it emotional or physical, with this. I have a feeling my bipolar meds are like, “Dude, chill…we can only work so hard.”

I know I don’t have an international best-seller on my hands. I’ll be lucky to sell a couple thousand. It’s a taboo topic with a limited audience. I know in a year I’ll probably be shopping my next book around to publishers and not thinking a lot about this one.

For now though, it’s an awesome experience…and makes me want to puke.