I Hope More Black People Share Their Stories of Daily Racism, Bigotry and Prejudice

People — including me — quite often lament how facts and statistics seem to be ignored these days in favor of some cherry-picking whatever supporting material and opinion is out there to back-up their position. Whether it’s the “All Lives Matter” or “COVID is just the flu” crowds, they don’t seem to need much to defend their position.

Statistics that prove racism — even if unintentional in many cases — happens in law enforcement, don’t seem to be enough to prove there’s a problem. The fact 19 states reported spikes in COVID-19 in the last week doesn’t matter either. Neither are real problems if you ignore the facts.

I’ve always wondered what makes certain people so obtuse. Accepting facts and data isn’t an endorsement or denouncement. It’s just recognizing reality. For instance, there is a man-made global warming problem. Now, who wouldn’t want to do anything about it? Those who contribute to the problem and those who support them. So they deny it. They’d actually have my ear if they said, “Yes, we’re contributing to a problem, but what we offer is more important and here is why…” I don’t know what that argument could be, but it’s one that I’d be willing to hear and consider.

I’ve been asking myself, “What is it that these people aren’t getting?” in regard to the BLM movement and was asking myself about that again yesterday when NASCAR rightly banned the Confederate flag. I’ve never understood why we celebrate the heritage of a group that was the enemy of the United States and the losing side of a war not about “states’ rights” but about slavery. We defeated the Nazis and don’t celebrate the swastika. There are no statues to Hitler or Stalin. I just don’t see how this is different.

I was watching a report about the spike of COVID cases in Arizona and one clearly sheltered middle-aged lady said she didn’t think it was a big deal because she still didn’t know anybody with it. It was all about her and her worldview was all about her. Suddenly, a light came on.

In the past several years, I’ve had a handful of people who have shunned me say something like, “I now have a relative who got into some trouble like you. I’m sorry I abandoned you” or “I now realize you’re not a bad person and just made a mistake.”

Many people are too blinded by emotion to allow the truth to find its way to their heart and head. Almost every person complaining in the FoxNews.com comments that NASCAR was now violating their right to free speech for not allowing the confederate flag did not have the capacity to pause and understand what many others were trying to explain. NASCAR is a private business and can do what it wants and free speech rights are not carried to its property. People were too upset to recognize the truth.

When this civil unrest started, the 21-year-old white daughter of one of my wife’s friends talked about what it’s like having black siblings. My wife’s friend never married the 21-year-old’s father, instead marrying a terrific man who was born in Ghana. They had two boys together and the daughter loves them as full brothers 100%.

She wrote a heart-wrenching post on social media that my wife shared with me about how she’s witnessed racism against her younger brothers. Since nobody assumes a lily-white blonde-haired girl could be related to a couple of black teenage boys, people have been openly racist around her in their presence. From regularly being called monkeys and apes to others not wanting to touch something after her brothers have, the stories were heartbreaking. You’d think her brothers were lepers the way that some white people have treated them. She gets it. She understands racism because she’s been there to experience it through her brothers. Her long post brought tears to my wife’s eyes and really shook me. For all their faults, my parents clearly raised me well because I would never have some of those thoughts run through my head. It’s disgusting anybody does.

A couple of days ago, my wife showed me another post from social media. This was from my uncle who is one of my dad’s two brothers. He has recently just retired back to the East Coast after around 25 years in California. His second wife was unable to conceive and they wanted to have children. They don’t care about the color of anybody’s skin, so instead of racistly waiting a few years for a white baby, they were able to adopt two black babies in the space of two years. I didn’t get to know my cousins as well as I wish because of the distance, both in age and proximity, but from everything I can tell, they have both grown into smart, strong, independent young women.

I have another cousin, the son of my father’s other brother in Ohio, who we have always been somewhat estranged from. Apparently some heated arguments went down in the early 80s and while the kids had nothing to do with them, I’ve only met my cousins when they’ve driven in for funerals. I neither like nor dislike them because I just don’t know them.

I didn’t see the entire string of posts, but I read my uncle’s. He actually had to go onto his wife’s Facebook feed to speak to one of my Ohio cousins about how hurtful he was being to his entire family. He wrote briefly about how my Ohio cousin was being insensitive to my black cousins and how he should stop blindly following Trump, especially as so many military commanders were disavowing the president. Apparently, since my Ohio cousin was injured in the three years he served in the military nearly 20 years ago, my cousin now defines himself as a diehard military man. It’s his journey, so whatever.

I asked my wife how this all started and she said that my Ohio cousin had disputed the Black Lives Matter stance…and the stories of racism…my black cousins (also his cousins, I should remind you) shared on social media. When my aunt made some comment about the demonstrators and police on her Facebook page, my Ohio cousin started spouting that she needed to stop watching “mainstream” media to get her news and that my black cousins were a part of the problem.

I haven’t read my black cousins’ stories of racism because I think it would just hurt my heart too much. Obviously, they weren’t enough to move my Ohio cousin because he has dug his heels in. There is no systematic racism to him, even if there is far more proof than anybody should need to support that conclusion.

So what do we do here to really explain the problem? As I’ve mentioned here before, I’m from the 49th whitest state in the USA. There are many people here who not only don’t know black or brown people, but they’ve never had a conversation with someone who looks different than them. They don’t truly understand the problem because they have just not been able to communicate with minority populations in their life.

I believe this is where you get the unintentional racists. They’re the ones who believe they are not racist, but some of their beliefs and verbiage would prove otherwise. They aren’t antagonistic, like my Ohio cousin, but they can’t appreciate the issue on a deeper level until they are educated about it.

These are many of the same kind of people who turned away from me when I got in trouble with the law. They didn’t take the time to understand what I actually did, nor to understand any of the circumstances around it. They simply wrote me off because it was easier. It wasn’t until some of these people had personal experiences with similar situations that they came to emotionally understand their behavior to me was wrong and I didn’t deserve a shunning.

I think there are a lot of these people in the world. They are not bad people, they are just ill-informed and don’t have enough of an emotional bond to invest in analyzing their belief system and deciding if it needs changes.

I don’t think that you need to know a black person to know a black person’s story. There is TV, radio, Internet, books, magazines, etc., where these stories need to be told. I’m not talking about the worst of the worst, like the George Floyd incident. I’m talking about the kind of racism and bias that black people face on an everyday basis. When they are followed around a store by security or are asked to open their bags before leaving that store. When they are stopped by the police and questioned as they are just going about their business. When they are still denied service or receive a lower standard of care because of what they look like. All of this is real, but if these sheltered white people don’t know about it, how can an emotional connection be made?

I urge my black and brown brothers and sisters to share their everyday stories. Yes, the worst stories leave a gasping impact, but simply letting the world know how different your day-to-day lives are because of racism may go a long way to getting the more ambivalent people to understand why so many of us are saying “Black Lives Matter” and cringing at “All Lives Matter.”

There are a lot of people in this world who want to understand more, but they are often drown out by the screeching voices of people like my cousin from Ohio. I don’t know what’s pathologically wrong with those people, but the reality is, we just have to wait for them to die out and hope that they are spawning in less numbers and their offspring develop brains of their own.

Please, share you stories. Society needs to hear them.

Let Facts and Perspective, Not Hype and Misinformation, Be Your Guide this Weekend

My wife is dealing with her yearly, almost-springtime sinus infection. You can set the time to set forward the clocks by it. She is a medical assistant in a doctor’s office and despite sinus infections not being one of the symptoms of the coronavirus (which, BTW, three weeks ago was not a word that was in Autocorrect, but now is – who makes these day-to-day calls?) she’s dealing with the hype and has actually had patients who did not want her to help them.

We had a discussion about this last night, because it reminded both of us when I was arrested, the incorrect news reports, and needless hype it caused.

I don’t want anyone to think that I believe coronavirus isn’t an important thing to keep a close eye on, but I think the most startling part about it is that it’s revealing just how many people don’t wash their hands or use hand sanitizer. There should not be empty store shelves where hand soap and sanitizer once sat. Shelves are empty because demand wasn’t there previously. Let’s hope that people’s hygiene continues to stay at improved levels once this hype is over.

There’s a universal truth in this world that the media and politicians understand. Scared people provide the best word-of-mouth. Once you’re scared, you don’t concern yourself, nor scrutinize the facts of a situation. In doomsday mode, you just prepare for and expect the worse.

In North Dakota, there hasn’t been one confirmed case of coronavirus this year. As of three days ago, there has been 9,979 cases of influenza, with 88 hospitalizations. Thankfully, nobody has died, but 9,979 is a bit more than 0. However, because it’s not been decided that it’s a good news story that will make money for media companies, and it’s not been prioritized by politicians seeking attention from those media companies, the flu is just something that happens.

Vice President Mike Pence was put in charge of doing something about coronavirus. A lot of people got angry because he made some dumb comment about cigarette smoking not killing people years ago. Yeah, it was an ignorant thing to say, but dumber yet is that we don’t seem to care that the Center for Disease Control says cigarette smoking kills 480,000 Americans every year (worldwide estimates are about 6 million people). Coronavirus, as of Thursday night, has killed 12 Americans.

Does anybody remember last year when 12 people died in the UK because of a rare outbreak of a bacterial infection that was a cousin of strep throat? No? The American media didn’t jump on that one, so nobody cared, yet the same number of people died.

Far more children will be accidentally killed this year in incidents involving their backyard pool than in accidental household gun deaths, yet the National Swimming Pool Association (if there even is a group like that) doesn’t have to battle public hype like the National Rifle Association because the public – following the lead of the media and politicians, haven’t decided accidental pool deaths are an important cause.

With 12 Americans dead of the coronavirus, the Senate passed an emergency $8.3 billion bill to fight the spread of the virus. You probably won’t be shocked to hear that the Senate only approved $5.9 billion in the 2020 budget for the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, despite the fact that drugs and mental health conditions have killed far, far, far more people than the coronavirus. You don’t get your picture on CNN or FOX News when you’re funding mental health. You do when you fund what the media wants you to think is the next plague.

When I was arrested six years ago, there were two photos of a topless teenage girl found by police on my computer. I’m not going to rationalize or defend that, but it was far less than the hundreds of photos of children under 12 that was reported in the media. It was months before that was ever corrected, and it wasn’t even called to attention that the previous reporting was wrong. Yet guess what I was convicted of? Two photos. It was reported I couldn’t be around my children, which was clearly wrong as I could not only be around them, I was still living with them through my legal ordeal. I don’t think the police, nor the media really cared if the information they shared was accurate.

What did that misinformation cause? Many, many people taking on social media locally, tearing me apart based on wrong information that was spun and hyped and spun and hyped. Reading those comments was like reading about somebody else it was that incorrect. There were people who I’m pretty sure thought I was snatching little kids directly off playgrounds. When public hype spins already incorrect information, there’s little anybody can do to bring things under control.

About four years ago, I wrote an op-ed for the local newspaper giving very rational, science-based reasons why a proposed rules change on where former sex offenders could live didn’t make sense for the city next to the one I live in. It was obvious that it would made getting help and certain resources that the lowest socio-economic demographic of sex offenders needed even more difficult, and statistics prove that hands-on offenders know their victims more than 90% of the time. It actually has nothing to do with how close to a school or church they live. Ultimately, the needless, tighter restrictions were approved 7-0 by the City Council. Isn’t it nice when Democrats and Republicans can get together on something because it’s easier to wave a finger at and demonize sex offenders than understand anything actually true about them? It also looks better the next morning in the newspaper to the readers who aren’t going to be bothered to understand nuance.

My wife is off to work again this morning. She’s not contagious, yet I still have a feeling I may see her by lunch, being sent home not because of good science, but because politicians and the media have whipped people into a frenzy about a virus that has hit 19 states – and only 3 states have more than 6 cases. Maine is not one of those 19 states, BTW.

Wash your hands. Take care of yourself. Be careful with kids around the pool. Lock up your guns. Don’t smoke. Understand sex offenders are people, too. Make your health decisions and reactions based on fact, not hype and scare tactics. And don’t perpetuate anything that isn’t true. Memes do enough of that already.

 

LinkedIn vs. WordPress, a Tale of Two Mental Health Communities

I spend a fair amount of time on LinkedIn these days, both to try and get my book into the hands of mental health/addiction professionals and to make connections with those professionals as I still figure out how my pornography addiction education mission can best move forward. It’s a very different world than WordPress.

Before I get into it, I have to say the No. 1 strangest thing that I’ve witnessed among mental health professionals on LinkedIn is just how many of them like to create memes where they quote themselves. It’s seriously fucking weird! I don’t know if it’s a marketing thing where they hope others will share it or if it’s just a narcissistic side of them that sometimes comes with people who are smart and have the capability to heal, but I’m never going to get comfortable with it. You let other people quote you. You don’t quote yourself.

meme

Anyway, for me, the biggest difference is that the community I’ve cultivated on WordPress are either struggling addicts, former addicts, people with mental health issues, or empaths. Demographically, it’s all over the spectrum from teenagers to people in their 70s, male, female, located all over the world in various socioeconomic conditions, but there is also a comfortable sameness with just about every person, including me. It’s a firm understanding that we don’t have all the answers. That kind of self-awareness and humility is quite often not seen among the ranks on LinkedIn.

I remember being introduced to the street smarts vs. book smarts theory when I was probably 12 or 13 years old. There were those kids, like I was expected to be, who excelled in their studies and would go on to do smart things in smart careers and then go home to their smart wives and smart children at the end of the day. Then there were the other kids, they were the ones who would fill the labor and service jobs, but they’d have a real-life worldliness that I couldn’t understand because things came almost too easy to me. While I could do the taxes of the other group, I’d be dependent upon them to protect me in a fight.

As I’ve learned, that concept is moronic. Facebook proved that some of the kids who should have died by accidentally electrocuting themselves because they were so stupid go onto great things and some of the kids with the most potential flame-out the hardest.

The one place I do see this idea somewhat played out, though, is in the world of addiction. When I got into my first rehab, I met people who I thought I’d have nothing in common with. Many became good friends. A guy who got kicked out of the Hells Angels for being too violent and getting in too much trouble with the law was probably my best friend in my first rehab. What did we have in common? We knew addiction and it was enough to bond us. I learned this lesson again at the second rehab, and at the limited 12-step meetings and group therapy sessions I attended. Addiction made us street smart whether we were an 18-year-old meth addict or a 68-year-old sex addict.

But, if there is street smart in that equation, there has to be book smart, and I’ve finally met this side of the coin on LinkedIn. I like LinkedIn because it is kept professional, relatively politics-free, yet there is still a lot of inspiration and videos of dogs doing cute things.

There are a lot of people in mental health/addiction who have dealt with an issue, but on LinkedIn, not every one of those people are quick to share. Part of my recovery is being as honest as I possibly can as often as I possibly can, so I don’t go to any length to hide my history with pornography or alcohol.

The book smart are the mental health professionals who have never had a major issue with addiction or their own mental health. They’ve witnessed health conditions that they are very qualified to diagnose and treat, yet they don’t know what it’s like to have been there. It’s like someone who is an expert in ancient Egyptian history. I still think a goat herder who actually lived in Egypt during the building of the Pyramids could probably beat them in a game show, even if they were only a peasant. There is just something to be said for experience vs. theoretically knowledge.

In dealing with the LinkedIn community, I’ve gotten a vibe again and again that I’m dealing with people who think they have answers to our world’s growing pornography addiction problem, even if they haven’t dealt with a lot of clients who have it yet. They have the answers because, on an academic level, they’ve always had the answers.

Depending on who the person is and their exact background, the answer may be 101 different things, but they are relatively sure they have the answer, even when the answer is that porn addiction isn’t a real thing. Whether it’s sweat lodge workshops, filters galore on your computer, or the same tired arguments against porn that have been around for 50 years and never worked, they have THE answer.

Now, I don’t want to slam all of them. I’ve made some great friends and important contacts. They know who they are and I’m grateful to have you in my life. But, I’ve also met people who wouldn’t give me the time of day because I’m just a former addict with no letters after his name. It feels like those who even bother to acknowledge that I’m trying to actually bring resources to the table for addicts with my books, presentations and website mostly just pat me on the head and tell me to run along while the grown-ups figure out the answers to the world’s problems.

On WordPress, there’s sometimes a victim mentality of people who just can’t get out of their own way, and I think on some levels don’t want to, in order to get better or improve their situation. WordPress has a lot of wallowers, and they frustrate me to no end. On LinkedIn, that frustration comes from a superiority mentality of people who have plenty of knowledge, but very little experience. I think the real money will be in creating the social media app that exists somewhere in the middle.

What’s most ironic is that I spent no time on LinkedIn before my newest book came out, yet it basically is a street smart/book smart take on porn addictions for partners of addicts. If you want to support a street-smart troll, click HERE to learn more about the book.

And of course, all of this said, if you want to join me on LinkedIn, feel free.

 

 

Hey, Non-Addicts: Want To Better Understand What Addiction and Recovery Feels Like? Try This!

Just about every addict will inevitably be asked what it feels like to be an addict. For the non-addict, understanding the pull of a substance or behavior is mystifying. Further, the idea of stopping something seems easy to them, but in addiction it’s not. Recovery is tough. While I can’t make you feel exactly what it’s like to be addicted to pornography, or what the recovery has been like for me, I think I have a two-day model that can help get some kind of a handle on addiction and recovery for the non-addict.

Day One

You’ll probably want two days off in a row from school or work to run this experiment. Do not let anybody know you are doing this experiment as it could taint the experience.

The first thing that you’re going to do in the morning is to take your cell phone and turn the volume of the ringer and all of your alerts for texting, social media, etc. to the maximum level. Make it loud! Do not look through your phone. Just turn the volume all the way up.

Then, take a Post-It Note and put it on the face of your phone so you can’t see the screen. You could tape a piece of paper to it as well. The point is to not see the screen, but not make it difficult if you decide you want to see it.

Keep your phone next to you all day. Don’t put it in the other room. Don’t put it in a drawer.

Do not use the phone. The phone is the drug or the addictive behavior. You may not call or text or Tweet or Snapchat or whatever. You may not use the phone.

Every call…every chime…every bell…every whistle that comes from someone else; you must ignore them. No excuses. No “good reasons” to interrupt the experiment…NONE!

You may not borrow another person’s phone, nor try to skate your way around the rules. If you feel like you’re bending or going around the rules, you are. Do not participate in any activity that you would normally use your phone for.

That’s it. Sound easy? For some it may be, but I think for the vast majority willing to try it’s going to be much, much harder than you think.

If you use your phone during the day, you fail. You succumbed. Welcome to the world of the addict.

Day Two

Keep your phone in the same state as Day One. The rules to your phone apply exactly the same as they did yesterday.

Today, though, you can figure out a way to do the things you normally do on your phone…you just can’t use your phone.

If you’re going somewhere and don’t know the way, you can’t use Google Maps. You’ll have to use a real map, or get on another computer and print out a map or write down directions.

If you need to talk to somebody on the phone, find a landline. Find somebody else’s cell phone. Go to the gas station and see if they laugh and ask you “What’s a pay phone?” when you ask to use one.

Need to keep up with social media? Facebook started only for desktop computers. Use that, or a tablet. Like to read books on your phone? Pick up a real book. They’re not that heavy. Want your news? Watch TV like we did in the 1990s.

Today’s exercise is about doing everything you would on your phone, just finding out a different way to do it. Were you able to get through today or did you find it too frustrating and resorted to using your phone? That’s tantamount to a relapse.

Results

Day One should be difficult if you’re like most people who don’t realize just how tethered to their cell phone they really are. I think anyone under 30 or 35 will really have some issues as they’ve been raised in a world where the cell phone is almost an extension of the hand.

The reason I say not to tell people you’re embarking on this experiment is because you want completely normal conditions. You need to get the calls, texts, etc., that you’d normally get. After all, the addict lives in the normal, real world. They can’t tell people not to bother them for two days.

I think most will find it easy at first to leave their phone alone, but by that second phone call, or third text, or fifth snapchat chime, it’s going to feel really rough. You’ll wonder if it’s something important, even though you know it’s a 99.9% chance it’s not. You’re going to want to rip that Post-It Note off the phone to see what you’re missing. There’s a whole world living in that phone that you can’t touch.

That’s the feeling for the addict. There’s a whole world in our addiction that we feel like we have to get our hands on. For those of you who cave and look at your phone, which I think will be most, that relief you feel when you finally give in is the relief the addict feels when they give in to their addiction. You know it’s wrong, you know you lost the battle of wills, and sure there is some guilt and shame, but you just feel so much better.

Day Two is about developing the tools and problem-solving skills to still live your life as richly as possible, but without your cell phone. This is what the addict has to learn to do in recovery. We have to develop a set of tools and skills to cope with the real world without the crutch of our addiction. Some of us use to quell anxiety and stress. Some use to forget trauma. Some just want to escape everything. Now, we have to figure out how to get relief and live life on life’s terms in the real world without our addictive behavior.

Every time you pick up your phone on Day One, you’re active in your addiction. Every time you pick up your phone instead of figuring out another way to do things in Day Two, you’re relapsing.

If anybody reading this is bold enough to try this experiment, I’d love to hear about your results and find out if you better understand what addiction is all about come the morning of Day Three.

Guilty or Not, I Think We Should Show a Little Empathy Toward Lori Loughlin

It’s important that I start this article with a disclaimer. I do not in any way condone or excuse the alleged crime of Lori Loughlin or the other parents involved in the highly-publicized college tuition admissions scandal making headlines. I also do not condone, minimize, rationalize or excuse the crime that I committed toward the end of 2013. I own it fully.

This isn’t really about either of the crimes. It’s about the way people react to it.

I was well known in Central Maine at the time of my crime and early 2014 arrest. I was the publisher of a popular magazine, the founder of a regional film festival and had just finished a term on the local City Council. I received awards along the way for all of my endeavors and to the people on the outside of my small inner circle, I was a pillar of the community.

Lori Loughlin rose to fame playing wholesome Aunt Becky on 80s/90s TV show Full House. While she kept her career alive after that with the occasional Lifetime woman-in-peril movie-of-the-week, she was never an actress who took roles where she swore, was violent or displayed skin/sexuality. When the wholesomest-of-wholesome networks, The Hallmark Channel, began pumping out carbon copy feel-good shows, she was a natural choice to become a regular on the channel. Most recently, she rejoined the Full House reboot on Netflix, reprising the role that started it all. She wasn’t just DJ and Stephanie Tanner’s Aunt Becky. She was Aunt Becky for anybody under 45 years old.

I was bailed out of jail roughly 40 minutes after I got there. In those 40 minutes, the State Police issued a press release (with incorrect information), the local newspaper had been to my office looking for me and TV news vans were parked in front of my house. I was the top story on TV news for the next several days and my arrest was played on the front page of the newspaper. Every time I made a court appearance, a newspaper reporter, photographer and at least two TV cameras were there.

From the moment Lori Loughlin’s name became part of this tuition scandal case, a day hasn’t gone by where there isn’t a load of articles online about what’s going on, even when she hasn’t made a public statement, has made one brief court appearance to hear her charges and then plead not guilty. The media can’t get enough of her and something as simple as standing in her driveway with her husband becomes public fodder. But let’s not just blame the media. The media is not a public utility. It is private business that makes its money giving consumers what they want.

 

Being singled out

There are over 200 people living within 5 miles of me who, like me, are on the state sexual offender registry. Not a single one got 20% of the media coverage I received, and many of them are there for graphic hands-on offenses that resulted in much harsher sentences than I received. I’m not saying I didn’t deserve what I got for behaving inappropriately in a chat room with a teenager, but those who committed far more heinous crimes received far less attention.

There were nearly 50 parents indicted in the college admissions scandal, but aside from Felicity Huffman, can you name one other involved beyond Lori Loughlin and her husband?

I don’t think it’s that difficult to attribute why Loughlin’s case – and mine on a much more regional level – garnered so much attention. People get a morbid enjoyment out of finding out a public figure is not as perfect as they portrayed, and get a cheap thrill out of seeing that person dealt with harshly.

As I personally learned, facts don’t need to get in the way of a good public flogging, especially on social media. It was surreal reading the venom spewed my way by so many people who neither knew me, nor the actual facts of the case. They served as judge, jury and executioner in the very opening days of what was a years-long legal ordeal.

I’ll admit I was as shocked as anybody else when the Lori Loughlin story broke. It was just something you never expect to read. But now, six weeks later, I’m really getting tired of people passing judgment on the merits of the case. We know very little of what has actually happened and we won’t know for a very long time, regardless of what “a source close to the family” told a magazine. The evidence appears damning, but how do I really know what’s been reported is accurate? There were key pieces of my case incorrectly reported for months. When you’re in the thick of a legal situation, you don’t call the media to split hairs about their reporting.

My career was over the day I was arrested. The board of directors of the magazine fired me and the annual film festival – only two weeks away – had to be canceled. My son was young enough that his classmates has no idea what happened, but my daughter was so bullied, she left her school, finishing that year at home and transferred to another school the following fall. My wife started to be treated like dirt at work – and even though she put up with daily sideways glances – was eventually fired for “underperforming.” I know it had to do with me. All of this happened before I ever entered a plea.

The Hallmark Channel fired Loughlin the day after the story broke and the Full House reboot said she wouldn’t be returning. Her daughters, who had a healthy social media presence, immediately stopped posting and in the case of her youngest daughter Olivia Jade, lost sponsorships. Neither of her daughters returned to school for fear of being bullied. Depending on which news source you read, the family is either leaning on each other for support, or they’re at each other’s throats pointing fingers. All of this happened before she ever entered a plea.

 

Put yourself in their shoes

The counterpoint to all of this is that when you court attention for doing good things and put yourself in the public eye, you’re going to receive a greater amount of attention when you do something bad. The solution is not to do something bad, but people sometimes have horrible lapses in judgment. I think most people would say that both Loughlin and I had everything that was coming to us, and from a legal point of view, I agree.

From a personal point of view, I can’t agree. I probably would have laughed at Loughlin’s situation 10 years ago, making jokes about it and believing it was only happening to her in a vacuum, but I’ve been through this kind of thing now. When you are well known and you make such a massive mistake, not only do you get what’s coming to you, but so many other people get what they don’t deserve. I think it’s important to not only remember them, but also to recognize that Loughlin is being publicly dragged through a personal hell that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Her life is going to be radically changed no matter the legal outcome.

While you’re watching Loughlin’s case unfold remember that the alleged crime affects far more people than just the defendant and they need to be kept in our thoughts as part of a bigger picture. While I wouldn’t have been capable of it 10 years ago, I urge and practice empathy now.

Hopefully you’ll never understand what’s it’s personally like to go through a public shaming and protracted legal ordeal, nor any of your close loved ones or friends will either. When that happens, it’s easy to develop empathy and to then apply it to similar situations. I ask you to practice that empathy now instead of having the “look at the car crash on the side of the road” reaction most Americans and those in the media are having.

Practice empathy. It feels better.